Friday, December 11, 2009

Opposite Day

I’m sick and tired of all this weight-loss mumbo-jumbo. I come on here every day and write something silly or pen something sappy, and you come waste your time skimming over whatever hodgepodge gobbledygook I happen to fart out.

So in the spirit of completely phoning a post in, here’s some tips to make sure your next weigh-in doesn’t drop you too, too much…
  • You don’t have to workout on days that end in “y”.
  • Dog paddling can burn up to 10 calories an hour; dog paddling in water will burn even more.
  • Driving by a YMCA earns you three activity points
  • That tuna salad could use a little more mayonnaise
  • Wearing sweatpants in public isn’t always perceived as a sign of giving up
  • Low energy can cramp your style… and nothing provides a quicker energy boost than Twix bars dipped into a can of vanilla frosting.
  • Most Mexican restaurants will keep bringing you baskets of chips if you ask.
  • Most scales are generally five pounds “off,” so be sure and take that into account before registering your WI numbers
  • If you go to one of those fancy gyms with the treadmills with the TV sets built right in and you just stand there and watch the Soap Opera Channel for an hour… hey, that still counts.
  • Eat smaller meals throughout the day… roughly every 20 minutes.
  • If you have a good weight-loss week, you deserve to blow it out over the weekend.
  • If you’re looking for a substitute for butter on your toast in the morning, why not try fudge?
  • Staying up all night farting around on the internet is just as good as sleeping eight hours.
  • People will tell you that eating too many carbs is bad for you, which is why I encourage you to quit listening to people so much.
  • If you wear a wide belt, nobody will notice that you have your pants unbuttoned.
  • A glass of half-and-half has a tremendous amount of calcium.
  • If nobody sees you eat it, it doesn’t count against you.
  • Make it your goal to be more like Jillian; that is, be a total bitch to everyone around you.
  • You know what’s a good appetite suppressant? Belgian waffles and syrup! I don’t know why it works, but it does.
I take my Opposite Day responsibilities extremely seriously, so I plan on leaving comments all over the weight-loss blogosphere today and passing on some really horrible advice.

Have a craptastic day and an even worse weekend.



  1. I love you Jack. Thanks for the chuckle.


  2. "You know what’s a good appetite suppressant? Belgian waffles and syrup! I don’t know why it works, but it does."

    I don't know why you are being so discriminatory - French toast, English bangers, Welsh Rarebit, Italian bread, Polish sausage, Spanish rice, German beer - these are all great appetite suppressants too!

  3. Sadly, this is exactly what I needed today to shut up the whiny twit inside my brain who's been helping me to shovel mass quantities of food into my mouth while super-gluing my butt to my couch.

    All I need now is for Jillian to plant a boot in my rear and I'm set.

  4. Have a crappy weekend filled with cookies and cream! :-(

  5. "If nobody sees you eat it, it doesn’t count against you"

    Unfortunately I use this phrase in my head far too often... seeing it on here made me realize how ridiculous it is to think that...the size of my ass proves it DOES count against me....

  6. Cook everything in Crisco. That's another little weight loss tip for you. You're welcome.
    You can use that. ;-)

    I'd like to know why you changed your 90 pound milestone reward. LOL I just saw that.

  7. Thanks for being hilarious! You make fat loss funny!

  8. I agree with Enz, dont discriminate, everything Belian works (I should know) Belgian waffles, beer, oh and chocolates preferably a 2 lb box really does the trick!
    Oh and my busstop is right in front of the YMCA yay on my earning lots of AP's!! LOL
    And yes, guilty.... I recognize a few, like surfing web vs good night sleep....and the good WI vs the weekend...I'm trying I swear.....*sob*
    Anyway ditto man, may this weekend SUCK :P
    oh and does it matter if I'm already a bitch?

  9. I look forward to your horrible advice lol.

  10. you suck! how's that for an opposite :-)

  11. You can get away with All You Can Eat Chinese buffets once a week as long as you only go back for more three times! That is because cat meant is essentially a free food. I swear it. It's true

  12. I wore sweats to the grocery store yesterday for a fast run over there. You made me wanna dress up next time so I fit in with all of the other snooty richies in my neighborhood. -this is not opposite! Some of the women look like they are going out on the town! lol

  13. Everything tastes better with a layer of butter on it!
    Happy Opposite day!

  14. "Eat smaller meals throughout the day… roughly every 20 minutes." Guilty as charged ;)

    Also, if you go for a ten minute walk, that totally reverses the effects of chowing down on piles of cookies.

  15. Fudge instead of butter? WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!!! Geez, that's why I've been stuck lately.

    Love it. My weight loss tip - if you don't sit down to eat it, it doesn't count. Standing in front of the fridge shoveling food in burns more calories (ya know standing instead of sitting), so it's a free food. Right?

  16. Just recited several from this list to others in the studio---Thank you for giving us all an awesome laugh today---and it's Friday---what a bonus!
    Fudge on toast---great idea! I'll have to try it instead of those silly egg whites I'm addicted to. Geez.

    Love it Sir!

    My best always,

  17. Seriously, did you have to put that image in my head...Twix and vanilla frosting? You know I have a thing for vanilla frosting in a can. It's my kryptonite!

    You're an evil man Jack! (just joining in on your opposite stuff>):)

  18. I can understand that the photo of my dogs might make you hungry, dog is after all very low in carb high in protien, however I don't recommend it because it does cause wicked heartburn and as well as rectal bleeding (or maybe that would be from my foot up your ... for hurting my dogs) either way, have a really shitty day! Cookies anyone one?

  19. fudge on toast....maybe,
    But almost everything tastes better with cheese on it....fried cheese.

  20. Very funny. I love the fudge on toast idea, I will definitely try that tomorrow.....or in half an hour! LOL

  21. Very very funny post! I loved your 'opposite comment' on my friend Jill's blog too!

  22. Jack, thx for the craptastic comment on my blog today!!!!!!!

    You are too friggin pissy!!!! OH, I mean funny, no, I mean, are you on your monthly??? Don't men have them too????

    Crap back at ya! Although, some my follow your craptastic advice & say you said it was OK!


  23. Very funny stuff. I needed a good laugh today, and as usual, you provided one. Thanks.

  24. So glad I found your blog! You always make me smile.

  25. Twix in vanilla frosting? Why did I never think of that during my out of control eating days? ;-)

  26. Haha, lucky for you he's still "single." I'll put in a good word for ya ;)

  27. "If nobody sees you eat it, it doesn’t count against you."

    I have been waiting to hear that FOR.EV.ER!


  28. This is not funny at all. ;-)

    Check out my blog for my opposite answer to your question to me this week Jack.

  29. "if you wear a wide belt, no one will notice that your pants are unbuttoned"

    fashion tips even I can use!

  30. AWESOME!!! So FINALLY we get to the secret of your success!!!

    Enter my first-ever blog giveaway, and get your very own copy of "Eat This NOT That -- Restaurant Survival Guide," packed full of information to help you make healthier choices when eating out!

  31. Always eat whatever you want even if you don't really want it.

  32. You suck.

    In the spirit of opposite day.

  33. These are funny. :o) Er, I mean they're not funny at all (in the spirit of opposite day).

    Howevah, I must say (and this is not opposite) that any swimming--even dog paddling (like I do! lol) burns a significant number of calories. But only if you do it in water. ;o)

  34. The calories from M&Ms can be cancelled by drinking a Diet Coke with them.

    Also eat them standing up in case a few calories get past the diet coke...that way the extras just go to your feet & no one will notice if you go up a shoe size, right?

    UnHappy Opposite Day!

  35. This was great, love it! Very creative, or is it I really hate that you put so much effort into making me laugh. Jerk.

  36. Fabulous! I could use some personal rejection. The impersonal kind is soo .... sooo impersonal. Hate your blog. :)

  37. Hi Jack. I think you're just using this opposite day gimmick as an excuse to be really naughty on other people's blogs. Although let's face it, I've seen you be pretty naughty even without an excuse ...

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  38. I've been pretty drained lately; I think I'll take you up on the Twix dipped in vanilla frosting idea...YUM

  39. you lost buddy, now you better go give your pal that ten bucks you bet, no gain for me! Oh and btw, in name of your dog, I thank you! A manicure/pedicure much better for the Soul than sacrificing a family member (not that I'd know!) I was sorta wondering how you'd get out of that one. Please do share pics of the event though, and hopefully that will take place the same day you are wearing your Victoria Secret sweatpants saying Sexy on your ass! :)
    (and if payment is required, I've got my credit card handy! LOL)

  40. This post was absolute crap, Jack. I won't be reading your blog anymore. ;)

  41. You suck! We are playing opposite day right?

  42. I saw you on AOL Health today and was like "that blog rocks and he really makes me laugh when I need it most."

  43. I thought opposite day was June 3rd?

    And why do you censor Sh*t? Let loose a little!

  44. Just in case you miss my update from tonight... I have only this to say to you today:

    You are my archnemisis, Jack Sh*t. You are a terrible person, and I hate your blog. I don't even know why I follow it. You haven't done anything to inspire me, and I feel completely insulted by your comment on my blog.

    Hatefully yours,

  45. Jack, look what just popped up on aol:|htmlws-main-n|dl3|link3|

    Have you seen this??

  46. If you eat a low-fat cake, it's got half the fat, which means you can have twice as much! (Wise words from a famous Brit, Fat Fighters leader Marjorie Dawes.)

  47. It took me a while to catch on with the joke. How sad for me. But once I did, I was LOLing. Thanks for the laughs.




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