Saturday, December 19, 2009

Jack Sh*t Jukebox

Little something different for "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday. I thought I'd collect all the song parodies I'd done into one spot in case you're a glutton for punishment (as well as a regular glutton). As soon as I learn to sing and play a musical instrument, I'm sure a CD will be in the works. In the meantime, there's probably some kind of "Name That Tune" drinking game that can be played with this...

Dieter-Man, Dieter-Man
Eats whatever’s on his dieter plan.
Prepares a meal, real low-cal.
He is really losing it, pal.
Cook Out!
Here comes the Dieter-Man.
Read the rest.

There’s nothing you can write that hasn’t been written.
There’s nothing you can eat that hasn’t been eaten.
Nothing new to say but you can learn how to post and play.
It's easy.
Read the rest.

Goodbye Normal Jeans,
Though I hardly knew you at all,
You had the grace to hold your fit
Even when you got too small.
Read the rest.

Sometimes it's hard to be at weigh-in.
Giving all you can to lose some weight.
You'll have bad times,
And you’ll have worse times,
Eatin’ things you know you shouldn’t have ate.
Read the rest.

I smell that bread a bakin’.
It’s cooling on the rack.
And I ain’t had carbohydrates since... oh, six months back.
I'm stuck on this low-carb diet, and time keeps draggin' by.
And I’d sell my soul on eBay… for a slice of apple pie.
Read the rest.

Here’s a little blog I penned,
You might want to read it well, my friend.
Don’t worry, eat healthy.
Read the rest.

Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you talk back–
do more, do more, do more, do more.
Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you talk back– do more.
Read the rest.

Less I weigh.
Now health troubles seem so far away.
I like exercise more than I do the buffet.
The better I do, the less I weigh.
Read the rest.

I was daydreamin' when I wrote this.
Forgive me if I blunder, man.
But when I woke up this mornin'
Coulda sworn I was in Onederland.
Read the rest.

My waist was too fat,
No one could save me but me.
Strange that I let myself go on an overeating spree.
I never dreamed that I'd weigh as much as I do,
And I never dreamed that I'd gain a pound or two.
Read the rest.

I feel swelled! Not so great!
Gonna start putting less on my plate!
Starting here, starting now,
Honey, everything's coming up losses!
Read the rest.

To all the fatties in the place with double-chins on their face,
Allow me to bust up this quiet with a little riot ‘bout my diet.
Who rocks grooves and makes moves ‘bout weight-loss issues?
The back of the club, sippin Fuze, I’m back here hollerin’.
The back of the blog, makin posts, my crew's all followin’.
Mad question askin’, advice passin’, big-ass sassin’.
But I just can't quit
Because no matter what I’m sayin’, Jackie gots another weigh-in
Read the rest.

It's a nice day to start again.
It's a nice day for a “wow” weigh-in.
It's a nice day to lose again.
Read the rest.

Hi kids! Do you like parodies?
Wanna see me take weight loss and Eminem and marry these?
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
Get rid of yo fatted-up ass? Stick with me, kid.
Read the rest.

We'll be bloggin’.
While we're losing.
We'll be bloggin’.
I gain a pound.
I get it down again.
I’m never gonna let it get back up.
Read the rest.

If you wanna be more fit
Live life all the way and don't wanna waste it.
Watchin’ what you eat
Can be so very sweet, you gotta taste it (mm- hm)
Read the rest.

I was piddling in the kitchen early one morn,
When from my blender, a new concoction was born.
I mixed spinach and fruit, from my supplies,
And suddenly to my surprise…
I made a smoothie.
I made a Green Monster smoothie.
Read the rest.

With so much drama in the b-l-o-g,
It's kinda hard bein’ Jack S-h-*-t.
But I, somehow, some way
Keep comin’ up with funky diet tips like every single day.
May I kick a little something for the ol’ fat Ts,
And, make a few jokes as I breeze through.
Two in the mornin’ and my blog’s unwritten
'Cause my three kids ain’t home,
Me and Anita in the living room gettin’ it on.
Don’t gotta be at work ‘til eight in the mornin’.
Read the rest.

Hey what did you do,
Ordering burger and fries?
Getting some fast food,
Enjoying some fried pies.
Laughing and a eating, hey, hey
Stuffing and a chompin’.
In a misty lunchtime fog with
Your gut hangin’ down on you,
My big-assed friend,
You my big-assed friend.
Read the rest.

Nibblin’ on fried pies.
Watchin’ old CSI’s.
Eating some nachos covered with oil.
Bad diet, yeah sure.
Just checked my blood pressure.
Looks like my arteries are beginnin’ to boil.
Read the rest.

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.
Read the rest.

When I got on the scale,
I was petrified.
Kept thinking I would go through my life
Being extra wide.
After spending so many nights
Eating so incredibly wrong,
I grew strong.
I knew I wasn’t too far gone.
Read the rest.

I’m at the grocery store; my brain says, “Put it back.”
No bags of corn chips, yes, I want to put them back.
I walk down the aisles dressed in my slimmer clothes.
I smile contently cuz I know how this thing goes.
Read the rest.

Who’s the tall snarky d*ck
That's a weight loss machine with all the tricks?
You’re damn fat.
Read the rest.

Jackie the Sh*t-man
Would eat whatever he could grab,
Had a big rear end and a double chin
And two sides made out of flab.
Read the rest.



  1. Hadn't read your Gloria Gaynor parody before. It's almost as inspiring as the original words...though definitely funnier.

    Have a nice weekend.

  2. What a great way to wake up on a Saturday morning. Now I'm going to be humming songs with "off" lyrics all day. Thanks. :) Those are great.

  3. You are so funny! I love these! lol

  4. You must have stayed up all night to produce so much of this good stuff! Thanks for that.


  5. I love checking your blog in the morning, it really makes me laugh and puts me in a better mood!


  6. It actually amazes me that I can sing each of these! lol :)

  7. I love these! I can't wait for the CD to come out!

  8. hysterical! Must have been a Dr. Demento fan? LOL

  9. You are some sort of mad genius. I love it! All of these songs are absolute gems.

  10. OK, I am going to have to read this over time! I can only take so much "funny" at one time!


  11. Wow, you have written a ton of parodies. Does your creativity ever run out?

  12. I'm a glutton, I read them all. Adoringly. Crack me up, Jack!

  13. You sir are a lyrical magician!

    Love this!

    My best always,

  14. OK. Piddling in the kitchen?

    We used to have an elderly doctor where I worked who was often caught piddling in the kitchen sink because he couldn't make it in time to the loo. Still I suppose old age catches up with us all ...

    Bearfriend xx

  15. PS. Your lyrical talents are awesome (as you Americans say). Even if you can't hold your piddle until you reach the bathroom. Nobody's perfect after all.

    Bearfriend xx



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