Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Holiday Party Survival Tricks

You’re at a holiday party, thrown into the middle of all kinds of tasty treats, alcohol, egg nog, fruitcake, Brazil nuts… all kinds of temptations and tantalizations. Thankfully, I'm here to offer you a bunch of tips to help you navigate your way through the event...

  • Always bring a pocketful of low-fat ranch dressing to dip carrot sticks in.
  • Dance furiously to burn off extra calories, even if there isn’t any music.
  • When you see a plate of cookies, think about me licking each one of them (because I do that at every party I go to).
  • If you’re looking for a beer that’s lighter than regular beer, try “light” beer.
  • Chewing on poinsettia leaves will suppress your appetite (probably due to the fact that they’re poisonous).
  • Instead of eggnog, enjoy a glass of eggwhitenog.
  • If there’s a bowl of chocolates, stuff them all in your mouth as quickly as possible so that they won’t wind up tempting you all evening long.
  • To get a little exercise, use the restroom at the house down at the end of the block.
  • When no one’s looking, spin around a couple hundred times.
  • Raw vegetables are a good healthy choice, especially if you fry them up and dip them in catsup.
  • While you’re talking to your boss at the office party, shake uncontrollably. It burns 40 calories an hour.
  • If someone offers you a piece of cake, explain that you’re Catholic and can’t have any.
  • Wear clothes that are three times too small so that you won’t feel like eating because one sugar cookie might make a button shoot off you as if shot out of a gun.
  • Ask the host if he or she has a treadmill that you can drag out into the living room.
  • Every time someone offers you a drink, fake a heart attack.


  1. Like your list, I posted something similar a week ago. :)

  2. Hilarious. And this morning I read a recipe for eggwhitenog. Actually, eggbeaternog. With rum extract. Interesting.

  3. I think I'll get through the hoidays Jack, as always thanks for your wisdom!

  4. LMAO
    I love the cake one....I'm Catholic that will work perfectly!!!

  5. How annoyed will you be if I point out that poinsettias aren't really poisonous? Holly berries. Holly berries are poisonous.


  6. I agree with Nicole. . . by far the best Party Survival Trick would have to be:

    "If someone offers you a piece of cake, explain that you’re Catholic and can’t have any."

    I am going to change it up a bit to say "If someone offers you a piece of cake, explain that you’re not Catholic and therefore can’t have any."

    I can't wait to see my Mother In-Laws face when I use this line at her Christmas Eve party!

  7. HAHA! Luv it Jack! :) OH! and congrats on the AOL article! I saw it while I was down in San Diego and did not get a chance to comment! Be proud, be very proud! :) HIGH 5 my friend!

  8. Cheeky!
    Oh lord. I've been following that advice on getting rid of chocolate temptations for years..

  9. You didn't mention anything about pooping or peeing your pants. Maybe next time!

  10. We actually had a friend that would run to the corner 7-Eleven to use the bathroom during all parties at our house. That way he claimed he could eat and drink twice as much, cuz he was running off the effects of both. In -4º weather I think this option is ill advised.

  11. Whenever I get invited, I go to my boss and say...

    " Sorry, I do not associate with the help!"

    Then I go work out.

  12. Quite rich, as usual. There are probably some people who'd get turned on at the thought of you licking all the cookies.

  13. I was hoping for one of these from you before the holidays were over. :)

    My very silly one to add: Don't eat for 3 days before the party so one light beer has you plastered. You'll save calories and still get the pleasure of embarassing yourself among your friends or coworkers!

  14. And ever after jack wonders why...as he approaches the sugar cookies with frosting, nervous hostesses hover around eyeing him nervously.
    every time someone offers me a drink, I tell them I'm a southern baptist and do not accept the devils brew...works every time.

  15. lmao, great tips Jack. If I had any holiday parties to attend this season, I might have actually employed some of these. :)

  16. Jack Sh*t, I just have to let you know that I started following your blog a few days ago when you were highlighted on AOL, I instantly got addicted because not only are you inspiring but you are way too funny. Since my birthday was yesterday, I gave myself the genius birthday present of starting a blog to help me down the path to where I want to be. I just want to thank you and hope that I can be as successful as you are!

  17. "Dance furiously to burn off extra calories, even if there isn’t any music."

    Hahaha! I do this all the time anyway, and it seems to work for me.

  18. Love all of them BUT especially the cookie one since I LOVE COOKIES!!!! I also like that spinning around one. Being Jewish, I can pretend I am a dreidel! :-)

  19. eggwhitenogg....urgh... I hope it still comes with some rum! And I love the treadmill one! In fact I'll only accept invitations if they have one handy! LOL

  20. Now I will be thinking of you at my work party on Thursday! I'm SOOO not touching those cookies! lol!

  21. Great list. I will add all of these to my list of coping techniques. :)

  22. *snorts snobbily at VRaz60's mention of -4 degrees as "cold"*

    *Ahem* I've just finished the chocolate one. Luckily there were only three chocolates left when I decided I HAD TO HAVE chocolate!

  23. As usual, a very funny list. My favorites are: - about the bowl of chocolate
    - about not being allowed to have cake


  24. I so needed a good laugh today and boy did you bring it! lol I loved the "I lick every cookie" that is so funny and totally reminds of my child when all four of us kids fought over the last cookie! You crack me up! Check out my blog when you have a chance I post all types of tip and recipes from my Jenny Craig/LA Weight Loss days :) Coffee has yet another amazing quality to lure us in! http://dietfix.blogspot.com/

  25. Jack, you can lick my plates any day.

  26. It is so funny you say that about me getting old. Over Thanksgiving my niece was looking at me right in the face and said "Aunt Kelsey you have funny lines on your forehead..."

    But give me the benefit of the doubt here- I had JUST been raising my eyebrows!

    Thanks for leaving me one of my first comments, made my day!



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