ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your spouse will surprise you with a little something that goes from zero to 200 in
two seconds flat. Unfortunately, it’s a new bathroom scale.
TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Going without chocolate for a week will be nothing for you. The stars are all aligned in your favor across the Milky Way. Mmmmmmm… Milky Way. Chocolate-malt nougat topped with caramel and covered with milk chocolate… who am I kidding? You’re doomed!
GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
This week’s weigh-in will be marred by a tragic yet unavoidable accident. But to your credit, who expected them to be serving s’mores at church?
CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Things are looking up for you this week. Unfortunately, those things are your cholesterol and blood pressure.
LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You might want to start thinking up a good comeback for when the waiter asks “Why did you ask for a to-go box if you were going to eat the whole thing?”
VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You shouldn’t wear a red sweater this week unless you want to hear your child crying and screaming “Don’t run through my wall, Kool-Aid Man!”
LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
When you think about it, it’s the food that’s “cheating” by being so damned delicious.
SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The scene at the all-you-can-eat buffet will be tragic, to be sure, but at least you can take comfort in the fact that you’ll be wearing your plastic pants.
SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
In your family, you believe that it’s a sin to waste food. However, you don’t have to be so f*ckin’ religious about it.
CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Expect to be plenty embarrassed this week at Target when that swimsuit you are trying on turns out to be an uninflated Moon Bounce.
AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Voltaire said “Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.” So it’s up to you to best play your deuce of clubs, eight of diamonds, five of hearts, Monopoly “Community Chest” card and Florida Marlin’s shortstop Hanley Ramirez’s rookie baseball card.
REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
The giant person you constructed out of tater tots is a sign that you need a date… and you need to start eating better… and you better pick up some more ketchup next time you’re at the store.