Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Visit by H.F. Conesirrup

“Excuse me?”

“I say, I say, what’s the matta wid you, boy?”

“Ummmmmmm, who are you what are you doing in my grocery cart?”

“Me? I’m just restin’ ya dawgs, son.”

“Yeah, well… who are you?

“Name’s H.F. Conesirrup, boy, and I’m here ta hep you with yo grocery shoppin’.”

“Why does this kinda stuff always happen to me?”

“Lookit here son, I say son, I was goina ask you what all these expensive doo-dads is doing in yo cahwt.”

“What the…?”

“All nat-you-rawl juice, hex-pensive granola bahhs, all kinds a fresh produce. This cahwt’s just an atrocity, that’s what it is.”

“What do you think should be buying?”

“Good stuff, son. Good stuff, like crème-filled cakes and chocolate-dipped fun bars, suh. That’s what everybody lahks.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Ya got a hole in your glove, son. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is. Now lookit this cahton a ice cream. It’s low-fat just lahk you lahk.”

“No thanks.”

"There's something kind of 'eee-yew' about a boy who doesn't like ice-cream."

“Yeah, but check out the ingredients. High fructose corn syrup.”

“What’s wrong with a little natch-urawl cone sirrup?”

“High fructose corn syrup is about as far from natural as you can get; it takes high heat, three different enzymes and five different processes to create it.”

“Awwwww, that’s not so bad.”

“Because high fructose corn syrup is so far removed from a natural food, it fails to stimulate leptin, the hormone that makes you feel full. It also increases ghrelin, a stomach hormone that stimulates your appetite and reduces adiponectin levels (a hormone made by fat cells that helps make you more sensitive to insulin and helps control your weight and appetite).”

“Well, I say… well…”

“It spikes your triglyceride levels, lowering your levels of “good cholesterol” (HDL) and increases your levels of LDL-B cholesterol (or “bad cholesterol”). And the list goes on and on….”

“I dunno, boy. I’d say you’re more mixed up than a feather in a whirlwind.”

“Look, there’s plenty of info out there about the subject. Just do a little research for yourself. Hey what are you doing now?”

“I’m gonna find someone else to talk to. You’ve got my tailfeathers riled up.”

“Maybe we can discuss “organics” instead…”

“Go, I say go away, son, ya bother me!”


  1. High=Fructose Corn Syrup is poison.

  2. I love this!!! I'm your newest follower, and also avoider of ANYTHING HFCS. (Or at least I try very, very hard.)

  3. I really don't pay attention to HFCS on food labels...of course I don't eat a ton of processed food either. I loved this though. :)

  4. While my post is no where near as cute I wrote on this topic myself and will be posting it tomorrow.

  5. Oh well done! It's actually nice to see this consolidated... I've come across all this information here and there, but having the "far removed from a natural food" "fails to stimulate.." and everything in one spot will make it a bit easier the next time this comes up at a family gathering.

    And it will. Because my family is weird like that.

  6. Great! Now I'll be hearing Foghorn Leghorn talking to me all day. :)

  7. Now that is a great way & entertaining way to get the message out there! Love it Jack!

  8. You've ruined Foghorn Leghorn for me forever!

  9. When I was a kid, my parents would pour this on our pancakes. True story.

  10. That was great! I was reading the label on our favorite yogurt at the grocery store yesterday and noticed that it has HFCS in it! I was surprised that it also had aspartame. yuck. I kept looking and found some without and bought it instead. A little more pricey...but so worth it.

  11. Love it. I'm currently on a 'NO HF CORNSYRUP' kick. I'm going to see how long I can go without ingesting any at all. Sounds easy, but coming from someone who stands at the pantry pouring cornsyrup directly down my throat, and eats Duncan Hines icing right out of the tub...this is quite the daunting experiment.
    I'm about 59.5 hours in to this, so far, so good!

  12. Jack, you post some funny sh*t! I too will be hearing that crazy rooster all day now. Thank you.

  13. Ah theenk yew gaht the akscent jehst raght.

    And the info was wonderful. I may be able to convince my mum.

  14. Trying to stay away from that stuff as best I can!!!

  15. Awesome! Has anyone seen those new commercials they are running from the HFCS council (of whatever they call it) where the really concerned mother turns down the offered beverage from her friend b/c it has HFCS, then the other HFCS pusher mom goes into her story (blatant ad segment) about why it's ok in moderation. My jaw hung open long enough to pour some of that s**t in it. I couldn't believe it. But what's better? There's people out there who are going to take their word for it.

  16. great info about HFC! learned stuff, thanks!

  17. Great! I love this.

    Those commercials saying high fructose corn syrup is great gross me out. Those should be banned. Just like cigarettes.

  18. all things in moderation, son, all things in moderation. That is, except HFCS.

  19. Foghorn Leghorn...one of my faves. Thanks for spreading the message about HFCS.

  20. Is he related to Jubilation T. Cornpone or Colonel Angus? :)


  21. Sounds like the kind of conversation I'd have in the grocery store! Can we go shopping together?

  22. OMG I LOVE FOGHORN LEGHORN!!!!!!! You've taken me back YEARS....damn I'm old.

  23. Loved it!! You should have been in those idiotic pro-HFCS commercials they had on TV a while back. You know, the ones where the smart person was saying, "I'm not gonna eat that crap. It has high fructose corn syrup in it, and you know what they say about that." And then the other person's all, "What, that it's made from corn? That I'm a stupid bitch trying to trick the American public into thinking that this isn't so bad?" Well, maybe they didn't say that last part, but you could've totally come back with the answer as to why it's so bad!

  24. BEATIFUL!!!!! I avoid HFCS at all costs, and people just don't get it. Glad there's someone else out there who does!



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