A Visit by H.F. Conesirrup

“Excuse me?”

“I say, I say, what’s the matta wid you, boy?”

“Ummmmmmm, who are you what are you doing in my grocery cart?”

“Me? I’m just restin’ ya dawgs, son.”

“Yeah, well… who are you?

“Name’s H.F. Conesirrup, boy, and I’m here ta hep you with yo grocery shoppin’.”

“Why does this kinda stuff always happen to me?”

“Lookit here son, I say son, I was goina ask you what all these expensive doo-dads is doing in yo cahwt.”

“What the…?”

“All nat-you-rawl juice, hex-pensive granola bahhs, all kinds a fresh produce. This cahwt’s just an atrocity, that’s what it is.”

“What do you think should be buying?”

“Good stuff, son. Good stuff, like crème-filled cakes and chocolate-dipped fun bars, suh. That’s what everybody lahks.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Ya got a hole in your glove, son. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is. Now lookit this cahton a ice cream. It’s low-fat just lahk you lahk.”

“No thanks.”

"There's something kind of 'eee-yew' about a boy who doesn't like ice-cream."

“Yeah, but check out the ingredients. High fructose corn syrup.”

“What’s wrong with a little natch-urawl cone sirrup?”

“High fructose corn syrup is about as far from natural as you can get; it takes high heat, three different enzymes and five different processes to create it.”

“Awwwww, that’s not so bad.”

“Because high fructose corn syrup is so far removed from a natural food, it fails to stimulate leptin, the hormone that makes you feel full. It also increases ghrelin, a stomach hormone that stimulates your appetite and reduces adiponectin levels (a hormone made by fat cells that helps make you more sensitive to insulin and helps control your weight and appetite).”

“Well, I say… well…”

“It spikes your triglyceride levels, lowering your levels of “good cholesterol” (HDL) and increases your levels of LDL-B cholesterol (or “bad cholesterol”). And the list goes on and on….”

“I dunno, boy. I’d say you’re more mixed up than a feather in a whirlwind.”

“Look, there’s plenty of info out there about the subject. Just do a little research for yourself. Hey what are you doing now?”

“I’m gonna find someone else to talk to. You’ve got my tailfeathers riled up.”

“Maybe we can discuss “organics” instead…”

“Go, I say go away, son, ya bother me!”