How to Stop Being a Wally Whinybritches

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I reprint my best posts from the past. Unfortunately, I ran out of best posts. I also ran out of pretty good posts. But don't worry... I've still got a few don't-suck-too-much posts...

We all have our bad days on this arduous weight loss journey. Our nothing-goes-right, everybody-sucks, I-hate-my-life days when we’d just like to curl up someplace and die. Actually, we’d prefer if everybody else would just curl up and die, preferably quietly yet in a bitter, painful manner. My Grandpa Noah always called this being a “Wally Whinybritches.”

How can we dig ourselves out of this rut and embrace all of life’s rich goodness and endless possibilities? How can we infuse ourselves with warm positive vibes and fresh constructive energy? I’m glad you asked…

• Make friends with that nice old lady neighbor and, while chatting with her, mentally calculate the difference between your life expectancy and hers.
• Go to Starbucks and order a Grande extra hot half-caff/half-decaff with extra foam, split shot with a half squirt of sugar-free vanilla and a half squirt of sugar-free cinnamon, a half packet of Splenda in a Venti cup with extra whipped cream with chocolate and caramel sauce drizzled on top. Pay with pennies.
  
• Give a homeless person a backrub.
• Write a letter to someone you’ve not heard from in a while, and ask where’s that $50 they owe you.
• Give yourself permission to shoplift something nice for yourself.
• Write down all the things that bother you on a list, then take a handgun and shoot the list until there’s nothing left but burnt, tattered little slips of paper.
• Make it a “Do Something Nice for Me” Day, and when I say “me,” I’m literally referring to myself. Come to my house and do something nice for me (preferably laundry).
• Splurge for a background check on your best friend.
• Imagine that you are breathing in happiness and farting out rainbows.
• Show a child how to do something (like mow the lawn).
• Make a list of things you’d like to accomplish over the week, then get drunk and laugh hysterically about the list.
• Try a daily affirmation, such as “Affirmations aren’t really as stupid and silly as I think they are.”
• Realize that the world has seen bigger problems that yours; not much bigger, mind you, but bigger.
• Be your own cheering section (cheerleading outfit required).
• Ask yourself "What can I do now to be more happy?" and then do that thing.

If all else fails, remember that there are kids out there in the hospital with terminal illnesses. You’ve got it much better off than they do. (Note to kids out there in the hospital with terminal illnesses: if you’re not planning to use your Make-A-Wish wish, I’ve always wanted to drive one of those big 18-wheelers. 10-4 good buddy...I'm westbound and down. Wooooooooo.)