A Serious Post That Lost Its Way

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday where I drag something out of the archives (usually kicking and screaming) while I'm out doing something completely nonproductive. I wrote this post as a serious one, but wasn't happy with it, so I messed with it. And messed with it. And messed with it. I'm not sure I improved it all that much, but I did have a lot of fun in the process.

I’m not going to be happy until I lose this weight, and even then I’m not going to be happy. I’m not going to be satisfied–I mean really good and satisfied–until you lose this weight, too.

I read somewhere that repetition is the key to learning, so I’m going to tell you something, but I really want you to remember it, so I’m going to repeat it over and over. Now, I know you don’t have a super long attention span, so you won’t stay with me if I just repeat the same message over and over, so I’m going to change it up a little each time. My hope is that, if you hang with it, the basic premise of the message will soak through your thick skull. Hey, I may not know what I’m doing, but at least I’m trying…


Rise up and meet this day with courage and conviction, my friend. You’ve had a bumpy road of it up until now, but circumstances are about to change for the better. Why? Because you are going to change them. You’re going to buckle down and figure out some way to wrestle these disturbing and destructive demons to the ground. You’re going to start making some serious strides toward your goals and you’re going to start right away. There’s no time like the present, baby, and the present just pulled in front of your house right this second. Shift it into high gear and let’s finally get this party started for real. I’m tired of reading about your two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… get going and show me, show us all, that you’ve got what it takes to make some magic happen. You know what you need to do, but apparently you needed somebody to give you a gentle nudge in the right direction. Here it comes: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET GOING ALREADY! Sorry to yell, but this stuff works me up like nobody’s business.

* * *

Wise up and meet this day wif couwage and conviction, my fwiend. You’ve had a bumpy woad of it up untiw now, but ciwcumstances awe about to change fow the bettew. Why? Because you awe going to change them. You’we going to buckwe down and figuwe out some way to wwestwe these distuwbing and destwuctive demons to the gwound. You’we going to stawt making some sewious stwides towawd youw goaws and you’we going to stawt wight away. Dewe’s no time wike the pwesent, baby, and the pwesent just puwwed in fwont of youw house wight this second. Shift it into high geaw and wet’s finawwy get this pawty stawted fow weaw. I’m tiwed of weading about youw two-steps-fowwawd, one-step-back tango… get going and show me, show us aww, that you’ve got what it takes to make some magic happen, uh-hah-hah-hah. You know what you need to do, but appawentwy you needed somebody to give you a gentwe nudge in the wight diwection, uh-hah-hah-hah. Hewe it comes: WHAT DE F*CK AWE YOU WAITING FOW? GET GOING AWWEADY! Sowwy to yeww, but this stuff wowks me up wike nobody’s business. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

* * *

Rise up and meet this day wiv courage and conviction, my mate. Yer’ve 'ad a bumpy frog and toad of it up until now, but circumstances are about ter change for the better. I'll get out me spoons. Why, then, eh, luv? Because yor gonna change them. Yer’re gonna buckle dahn and figure out some way ter wrestle these disturbin' and destructive demons ter the ground. Yer’re gonna start makin' some serious strides toward yor goals and yer’re gonna start right oray. There’s no time like the present, baby, and the present just pulled in front of yor 'ouse right this second. Shift it into 'igh gear and let’s finally cop this knees-up started for real. I’m tired of readin' about yor two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… cop gahn and show me, right, show us all, that yer’ve got wot it takes ter make some magic 'appen. Yer know wot yer need ter do, but apparently yer needed some fairy ter give yer a gentle nudge in the bleedin' right direction, init? Here it comes: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR, isit? GET GOING ALREADY! Blimey! Sorry ter yell, but this stuff works me up like no bloke’s business.

* * *

Rise up an' meet this hyar day wif courage an' cornvickshun, mah friend, cuss it all t' tarnation. Yo'’ve had a bumpy road of it up until now, but circumstances is about t'change fo' th' better. Whuffo'? On account o' yer a-gonna change them, dawgone it. Yo'’re a-gonna buckle down an' figger out some way t'wrestle these disturbin' an' destruckive demons t'th' groun'. Yo'’re a-gonna start makin' some serious strides toward yer goals an' yo'’re a-gonna start right away. Thar’s no time like th' present, baby, an' th' present jest pulled in front of yer house right this hyar second, cuss it all t' tarnation. Shif' it into high gear an' let’s finally git this hyar party started fo' real, ah reckon. I’m tired of readin' about yer two-steps-fo'ward, one-step-back tango… git gwine an' show me, show us all, thet yo'’ve got whut it takes t'make some magic happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yo' knows whut yo' need t'do, but apparently yo' needed somebody t'give yo' a juntle nudge in th' right direckshun. Hyar it comes: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET GOING ALREADY! Fry mah hide! So'ry t'yell, but this hyar stuff wawks me up like nobody’s business.

* * *

Reese-a up und meet thees dey veet cuoorege-a und cunfeecshun, my freeend. Bork bork bork! Yuoo’fe-a hed a boompy rued ooff it up unteel noo, boot curcoomstunces ere-a ebuoot tu chunge-a fur zee better. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Vhy? Becoose-a yuoo ere-a gueeng tu chunge-a zeem. Yuoo’re-a gueeng tu boockle-a doon und feegoore-a oooot sume-a vey tu vrestle-a zeese-a deestoorbing und destroocteefe-a demuns tu zee gruoond. Bork bork bork! Yuoo’re-a gueeng tu stert mekeeng sume-a sereeuoos streedes tooerd yuoor guels und yuoo’re-a gueeng tu stert reeght evey. Bork bork bork! Zeere-a’s nu teeme-a leeke-a zee present, beby, und zee present joost poolled in frunt ooff yuoor huoose-a reeght thees secund. Bork bork bork! Sheefft it intu heegh geer und let’s feenelly get thees perty sterted fur reel. I’m tured ooff reedeeng ebuoot yuoor tvu-steps-furverd, oone-a-step-beck tungu… get gueeng und shoo me-a, shoo us ell, thet yuoo’fe-a gut vhet it tekes tu meke-a sume-a megeec heppee. Yuoo knoo vhet yuoo need tu du, boot epperently yuoo needed sumebudy tu geefe-a yuoo a gentle-a noodge-a in zee reeght durecshun. Here-a it cumes: VHET THE F*CK ERE YOOo VEITING FOR? GET GOING ELREEDY! Surry tu yell, boot thees stooffff vurks me-a up leeke-a nubudy’s booseeness. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

* * *

Rise up `n` meet this day with courage `n` conviction, my mate. You’ve had a bumpy road of it up until now, but circumstances are about ta change for the better. Why? Because ya are going ta change them. You’re going ta buckle down `n` figure out some way ta wrestle these disturbing `n` destructive demons ta the ground. You’re going ta start making some serious strides toward your goals `n` you’re going ta start right away. There’s no time like the Prezzy, nipper, `n` the Prezzy just pulled in front of your house right this second. Shift it into high gear `n` let’s finally get this rage started for dinkum. I’m tired of reading about your two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… get going `n` show me, show us all, that you’ve got what it takes ta make some magic happen. You know what ya need ta do, but apparently ya needed somebody ta give ya a gentle nudge in the right direction. Here it comes: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET GOING ALREADY! Sorry ta yell, but this stuff works me up like nobody’s bizzo.

* * *

ЯISЗ ЦP ДИD MЭЗT THIS DДУ ШITH CФЦЯДGЭ ДЙD CФИVICTIФЙ, MЧ FЯIЗИD. УФЦ’VЭ HДD Д ЬЦMPЧ ЯФДD ФF IT ЦP ЦЙTIL ИФЩ, ЪЦT CIЯCЦMSTДЙCЗS ДЯЭ ДБФЦT TФ CHДИGЗ FФЯ THЭ ЬЗTTЭЯ. ШHУ? ЪЗCДЦSЭ ЧФЦ ДЯЗ GФIЙG TФ CHДИGЭ THЗM. УФЦ’ЯЭ GФIЙG TФ БЦCКLЗ DФЩИ ДЙD FIGЦЯЭ ФЦT SФMЗ ШДЧ TФ ЩЯЭSTLЗ THЭSЗ DISTЦЯЬIИG ДЙD DЭSTЯЦCTIVЗ DЭMФИS TФ THЗ GЯФЦЙD. УФЦ’ЯЭ GФIИG TФ STДЯT MДКIЙG SФMЗ SЭЯIФЦS STЯIDЗS TФШДЯD ЧФЦЯ GФДLS ДИD УФЦ’ЯЭ GФIЙG TФ STДЯT ЯIGHT ДЩДЧ. THЗЯЭ’S ИФ TIMЗ LIКЭ THЗ PЯЭSЗЙT, ЪДБУ, ДИD THЭ PЯЗSЭЙT JЦST PЦLLЗD I IИ FЯФЙT ФF УФЦЯ HФЦSЗ ЯIGHT THIS SЭCФИD. SHIFT IT IЙTФ HIGH GЗДЯ ДИD LЭT’S FIЙДLLЧ GЗT THIS PДЯTУ STДЯTЭD FФЯ ЯЗДL. I’M TIЯЭD ФF ЯЗДDIИG ДЬФЦT ЧФЦЯ TШФ-STЭPS-FФЯЩДЯD, ФЙЗ-STЭP-ЪДCК TДИGФ… GЗT GФIЙG ДИD SHФШ MЭ, SHФЩ ЦS ДLL, THДT УФЦ’VЗ GФT ШHДT IT TДКЭS TФ MДКЗ SФMЭ MДGIC HДPPЗЙ. ЧФЦ КИФЩ ШHДT УФЦ ЙЭЗD TФ DФ, БЦT ДPPДЯЭИTLЧ УФЦ ЙЗЭDЗD SФMЭЬФDЧ TФ GIVЗ УФЦ Д GЭИTLЗ ЙЦDGЭ IИ THЗ ЯIGHT DIЯЭCTIФЙ. HЗЯЭ IT CФMЗS: ЩHДT THЭ F*CК ДЯЗ ЧФЦ ШДITIИG FФЯ? GЭT GФIЙG ДLЯЗДDУ! SФЯЯЧ TФ УЭLL, ЪЦT THIS STЦFF ЩФЯКS MЗ ЦP LIКЭ ИФЬФDУ’S ЪЦSIЙЗSS.

* * *

Rise up `n` meet dis day wif courage `n` conviction, my friend. Yew’ve had a bumpy road of it up until now, but circumstances aur about ta change fer da better. Why? Because yew aur going ta change em. Yew’re going ta buckle down `n` figure out some way ta wrestle dese disturbin `n` destructive demons ta da ground. Yew’re going ta start makin some serious strides toward yore goals `n` yew’re going ta start right away. yonder’s no time lik da present, baby, `n` da present just pulled in front of yore house right dis second. Shift it inta high gear `n` let’s finally git dis party started fer real. I’m tard of reading about yore two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… git going `n` show me, show us all, dat yew’ve got whut it tekks ta make some magic happen. Yew know whut yew need ta do, but apprrrntly yew needed somebody ta give yew a gentle nudge in da right darction. cheer it cumes: whut da F*CK Aur Yew WAItin FOR? git GOING ALREADY! Sorry ta yell, but dis stuff works me up lik nobody’s business.

* * *

Rise up and meet this day wit' courrrage and conviction, me bucko, and a bottle of rum! You’ve had a bumpy sea o' it up until now, but cirrrcumstances be about t' be changin' ferrr th' betterrr, and a bottle of rum! Why in th' name o' Davy Jones? Because ye be charrrtin' a courrrse t' be changin' them, and a bottle of rum! You’rrre charrrtin' a courrrse t' buckle down and figurrre out a bit way t' wrrrestle 'ese 'errredisturrrbin' and destrrructive demons t' th' grrround, and a bottle of rum! You’rrre charrrtin' a courrrse t' set sail makin' a bit serrrious strrrides towarrrd yerrr goals and ye’rrre charrrtin' a courrrse t' set sail starrrboarrrd away, and a bottle of rum! Therrre’s arrrgh time like th' prrresent, baby, and th' prrresent jus' pull'd in frrront o' yerrr vessel starrrboarrrd this second, and a bottle of rum! Shift it into high gearrr and let’s finally get this parrrty starrrt'd ferrr rrreal, and a bottle of rum! I’m tirrr'd o' rrreadin' about yerrr two-steps-forrrwarrrd, one-step-bac kie tango… get charrrtin' a courrrse and be showin' in th' salty sea me, be showin' in th' salty sea us all, that tharrrye’ve got what in th' name o' Davy Jones it plunderrrs t' be makin' a bit magic happen, and a bottle of rum! Ye be knowin' what in th' name o' Davy Jones ye ne'd t' do, but apparrrently ye need'd somebody t' be givin' ye a gentle nudge in th' starrrboarrrd dirrrection, and a bottle of rum! Herrre it comes: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET GOING ALREADY! Sorrrrrry t' yell, but this booty man the decks me up like nobody’s business, and a bottle of rum!

* * *

Rise up an' meet dis day wi' courage an' convicshun, me mucker. you’ve 'ad a bumpy road av it up 'til nigh, but circumstances are aboyt ter change for de better. why? cos yer are gonna change dem. You’re gonna buckle down an' figure oyt sum way ter wrestle dees disturbin' an' destructive demons ter de groun'. you’re gonna start makin' sum serious strides toward yisser goals an' you’re gonna start roi away. there’s naw time loike de present, sprog, an' de present jist pulled in front av yisser gaff roi dis second. shift it into 'igh gear an' let’s finally git dis party started for rayle. i’m knackered av readin' aboyt yisser two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… git 'eadin' an' show me, show us al', dat you’ve got waaat it takes ter make sum magic 'appen. yer nu waaat yer nade ter chucker, but apparently yer needed somebody ter gie yer a gentle nudge in de roi direcshun. 'ere it comes: waaat de f*ck ye waitin' for? git 'eadin' already! sorry ter yell, but dis stuff weurks me up loike nobody’s business.

* * *

Rise ^ & MEt DIS dA w courage & conviction, my frNd. You’ve had a bumpy rd. of it ^ untl nw, bt cRcumstNcs R bout 2 chAng 4 d BetA. Y? cuz U R goin 2 chAng dem. You’re goin 2 buckle dwn & figur out som way 2 wrestle dEz disturbing & destructive demons 2 d ground. You’re goin 2 stRt makin som Cres strides 2wRd yor goals & you’re goin 2 stRt rght awA. There’s n tym lIk d presnt, ~:o, & d presnt jst puLD n frnt of yor hows rght DIS 2nd. Shift it in2 hI gear & let’s finalE git DIS pRT stRtD 4 real. I’m tired of rEDN bout yor two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… git goin & shO me, shO us aL, dat you’ve got wot it tAkz 2 mAk som magic hpn. U knO wot U nEd 2 do, bt apparently U nEdD sumbody 2 GIV U a gentle nudge n d rght directN. hEr it cumz: wot d F*CK R U w8N 4? git goin alredi! SBTA 2 yell, bt DIS stuff worx me ^ lIk nobody’s Biz.

* * *

Rise down and meet dis day wid courage and convicshun, mah' homey. You's’ve had some bumpy road uh it down until now, but circumstances is about t'change fo' de better. Ah be baaad... Why? A'cuz ya' is goin' t'change dem. WORD! You's’re goin' t'buckle waaay down and figure out some way t'wrestle dese disturbin' and destructive demons t'de ground. You's’re goin' t'start makin' some serious strides toward yo' goals and ya'’re goin' t'start right away. Slap mah fro! Dere’s no time likes de present, baby, and da damn present plum pulled in front uh yo' crib right dis second. Shift it into high gear and let’s finally dig dis party started fo' real. I’m tired uh readin' about yo' two-steps-fo'ward, one-step-back tango… dig goin' and show me, show us all, dat ya'’ve gots whut it snatch'd t'make some magic happen. 'S coo', bro. You's know whut ya' need t'do, but apparently ya' needed some fool t'cut ya' some gentle nudge in de right direcshun. Here it comes, dig dis: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET GOING ALREADY! Right on! So'ry t'yell, but dis stuff wo'ks me down likes nobody’s business.

* * *

Rise up and meet this day with courage and conviction, my friend. You’ve had a bumpy road of it up until now, but circumstances are about to change for the better. Why? Because you are going to change them. You’re going to buckle down and figure out some way to wrestle these disturbing and destructive demons to the ground. You’re going to start making some serious strides toward your goals and you’re going to start right away. There’s no time like the present, baby, and the present just pulled in front of your house right this second. Shift it into high gear and let’s finally get this party started for real. I’m tired of reading about your two-steps-forward, one-step-back tango… get going and show me, show us all, that you’ve got what it takes to make some magic happen. You know what you need to do, but apparently you needed somebody to give you a gentle nudge in the right direction. Here it comes: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET GOING ALREADY! Sorry to yell, but this stuff works me up like nobody’s business.

Get it? Got it? Good.