The Fat Voice – It’s All In Your Head

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where old posts go to be reborn. There was a time when I featured my own "best" posts, but I quickly ran out of ones that qualified. I may not have a lot of great posts, but I do have plenty of blogging friends with their own great old posts. So here's my "Merry Christmas" gift to you: Mary from A Merry Life dropped by this week to share a favorite from her archives. Now I'm off to start my holiday shopping and... what? It's only December 18th. I mean, I'm off to take a nap...

After the response to yesterday’s post I am almost at a loss for what to say.  The comments left on the post “Because You Just Can’t Love A Fat Girl” were interesting, eye-opening, encouraging, and thought-provoking.  There was a lot of great stuff in there, but what I found most interesting was the way many comments led my thoughts down a different path. Instead of thinking about love and relationships I found myself thinking more about weight and how it affects our own self perception.

Losing weight, gaining weight - these changes in size change you. They change how you look on the outside  but even more profoundly they often change how you feel and think about yourself. When you lose weight you gain confidence, you feel better, you think you look better and you project a more confident image of yourself. When you gain weight there is a constant nagging voice of failure in your mind that says you can’t be as confident because you just don’t look as good anymore.  Here is the thing: it is all in your head.

Fitarella mentioned the “FAT voice” in her own mind, the one that constantly asks if she will ever be good enough.  Despite all her achievements being the wonderful person she is the voice still hangs around telling her fat is unlovable, fat is no good.   Roni mentioned that with her husband, “Over the 15 years we’ve been together all the weight stuff, all the self confidence issues, worrying, the thinking I’m not good enough, all of it, was in my head.” It seems we all let the fat voice win way too often.  We allow the negative thoughts to seep into our minds and change our self perception even when no one around us agrees with it.

And that self-perception, how you see yourself, apparently has more to do with who you are and how you find love and interact with people that anything else. As Diane said, “I’ve learned along the way that a man falling for you has a lot more to do with your perception of yourself than theirs.” You are the one in control of how you see yourself and you are also in control of how others see you.  The fat voice wants you to be sad and think you aren’t worth much because of your weight.  If you listen, that is how others see you.  But that doesn’t have to be the way it is.
 
Instead, you can define yourself outside of your size. Like Krissie said, “I don’t let my weight define me, although that is what I blog about. I am a lot of things. I am smart. I am funny. I am giving and kind. And that’s what I focused on when I was dating. If I focused on my weight back then, I probably wouldn’t have dated as much. Other people see what what you put out there. You give off signals – body language, in your talk – that either attract people or make them want to be around someone else. If you think you’re not going to attract boys, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and you won’t.”

The FAT voice is a self-fulfilling prophecy for many bigger people. The FAT voice is a dangerous thing that exists in our own minds, and often it exists at every size.  You don’t have to weight 400 pounds to wrestle with the fat voice.  A gain of five pounds when you weigh 120 can quickly introduce you to the FAT voice.  Once it gets entrenched in your mind, it convinces you that you can’t do things skinnier people can.  “You can’t exercise at this size, what’s the point? You can’t really lose weight permanently, so why try?  You can’t find anyone to love you, so why even date?”  But if we listen to what other people are saying, we realize we have control over our lives. 

We can do whatever we want and be whoever we want. We can be healthy.  We can be active.  Fat doesn’t define you.  Thinness doesn’t define you.  Size shouldn’t matter. So, do yourself a favor and tell the FAT voice to shut up.




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Fabulosity Comes to Those Who Weight

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I shine the JSGF spotlight on other bloggers and their favorite posts from yesteryear (or, more likely, a few months back). Today's post features a little double trouble in the form of the Super Fitness Wonder Twins Kymberly and Alexandra who blog over at Fun and Fit. I can safely say that they are my absolute favorite identical twin fitness bloggers...

Dearest Fun and Fit:Kymberly and Alexandra

I’m a glamorous lady person in need of your hilarious sarcasm and expert advice.  I am on a quest to create home improvement magic but have found a limit to even MY glittertastic capabilities: that drill can get quite heavy after awhile.  Even though I have a fantastically large amount of shoes I have an embarrassingly small amount of upper body strength.  The only workout my arms probably get includes swiping my credit card at the hardware store and raising martinis to pour down my throat.  Unfortunately I have a busy schedule of kicking ass, taking names and other general fabulosity. (I need) general upper body strength not just biceps – things like … painting ceilings or weedeating for long periods of time, etc. get to be a problem and I’m too independent (cheap) to hire that (&$%*&) out. I’m thinking I’m not the only girl who has this problem so I hope others can relate!! Can you recommend some effective exercises to tone me up in no time so I can show my house who’s boss?  I toast my martini to you!  Ok it’s really just a glass of cheap wine.

Yours always in Fabulosity,

Madame Sunday

Chattanooga, TN which I call Chattavegas because it makes me (and it) seem waaaay more glam

Dear Madame Sunday:
A: You want to look like the ladies above, but instead you are more like this:

:

First of all, for triceps, do this exercise,

 

To make it easy for you, Fun and Fit are only suggesting beginner exercises that require hand-held weights and/or your body weight. But we do recommend these weights for the triceps kickback (where’s our endorsement fee Centurions?):



Then do this exercise for shoulders, chest and triceps:




After which you will be able to do this for painting the ceiling:




Glam people inspire jealousy so you have to accept that people will be talking behind your back. So make sure it’s a well-toned back.



And, finally we come to the core. Are you rotten to the core? If so, place your exercise mat on top of this:



so you can be carried around in true glam style while doing the side plank.

 

So, have you figured out that we are recommending a complete upper-body overhaul? No oil change or tire rotation required. When you have done all these exercises and are super hot glam fab toned shiny and sparkly, let us know so we can give you the biceps and latissimus dorsi exercises too! Ahahaaaaaaa. Get to Work Lady Person!

K: You set a high bar with your humor and fabulosity (you can pick whether I am referring to high barbells, highballs, or high people in bars). You would be well-served (and who doesn’t want to be well-served?) to add push-ups to your repertoire.  Ideally you would do these suggested upper body and ab exercises (especially the push-ups) at least three times a week, 15-20 repetitions of each exercise with good form, to fatigue. Not collapse or dishevelment, but fatigue that looks like malaise or ennui or the vapors. You know, something Victorian ladylike.

Readers, lady persons and man persons: What around-the-house activities get you in shape?
Which ones leave you less than glamorous and glowing? 

Photo credits: Creative Commons (Rennett Stowe, Nan Palmero, Quinn.Anya, loosepunctuation) and Photobucket





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Be Mindful, and Don’t Suffer

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I'm not only too lazy to write a new blog post, but also too much of a slacker to even go cut-and-paste something from my archive. Luckily, I've got pals who are a little more industrious than myself, so I call on them to share their own favorite older posts. This week, I shook down Foodie McBody from FoodFoodBodyBody and made her provide one of her own personal favorites. Now I can get back out there and do my holiday shoplifting. Now where's my list...




At least once a week I go someplace where I run into someone I haven’t seen in a few months or more. Since Before. And very often they will say, “HOW did you do this?!?” It’s hard to sum it up in a few words, because it truly is a long story, but I think my “elevator pitch” (code for how to pitch a book, or business proposal to an agent or funder in the time it takes to ride an elevator) would be “By being mindful, and not suffering.”

I know, it’s very Buddhist, right? But truly I think this is what has made All the Difference this time. I started attending a meditation class very soon after my pre-diabetes diagnosis. And the idea of being mindful- of paying attention – made a huge impact on my whole weight loss journey. I decided to really pay attention to everything  – to what I truly wanted to eat, and if eating was what I wanted at all, and how much to eat, and everything. It has been absolutely invaluable.

I loved that this week, in my WW mentoring session, the leader spoke a LOT about “being mindful.” I don’t know if he’s a Buddhist or not, but he did bring it up about 20 times during the meeting, and people were nodding and really getting it. I loved that.

Another big concept in Buddhism is that of Suffering.  I know that I have suffered mightily because of my weight and food issues, throughout my life. I suffered when I felt I was depriving myself of food I wanted, but I also suffered when I ate things for the Wrong Reasons (ie for comfort or distraction). I suffered from guilt and remorse, shame and self hatred. There was a LOT of suffering going on.

It’s been shocking for me to notice that this New Way has involved very little suffering, and I know that if I feel like I am suffering, it’s going to come back and bite me BIG time. So it’s important for me to never, ever sigh dramatically and say, “I guess I should eat THIS (salad?) instead of THAT.”

Because if I feel deprived in ANY WAY, shape or form, I’m going to overeat. Every single time. I have to find something that makes me HAPPY and satisfied, as well as being a good choice.  Salad is a good example. Sometimes I really crave and love and feel like eating salad. But often, if it’s a cold day or whatever, I want HOT FOOD.  Before, it would be a choice between two kinds of suffering: I’d have a cold salad and feel all deprived, OR I’d have .. I dunno, a huge plate of lasagne or fried chicken and THEN I’d suffer because I’d feel overstuffed, guilty and remorseful. And fat.

So the key is to really be MINDFUL and say, OK, I don’t want salad. (“Then don’t eat salad!”) I want hot food. OK, what kind of hot food will satisfy and yet not make me feel remorseful? Often it is SOUP. I have come to looooooooove soup very much. Because there are so many delicious kinds of soup and EVEN soup that is a bit rich (some cream in it, or meat) a cup of soup can go a very long way. There is a wonderful French food takeout place near my work that has two kinds of amazing soup every day. Usually that will be all I want for lunch, and it probably has WAY fewer calories than a salad with blue cheese, nuts, dressing, avocadoes etc etc.

I have had to build up my repertoire of foods that I both love and feel good about eating. This has taken some time and practice but now I feel like I have wonderful choices.

I still always have half-and-half in my coffee, because I have tried many alternatives (black coffee, skim milk in coffee, nonfat half and half) and they ALL make me suffer. I want my half-and-half. But I have made other changes that allow that to be okay. (more exercise, soup for lunch, etc)

So that’s my short answer for How I Did It (and how I intend to keep Doing It): Be mindful and don’t suffer.

Over and out.

10 Tips to Help You Find Balance

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where my idea was to showcase some of my better old posts. However, I quickly ran out of any that qualify, so I've asked some of my other favorite blogger buddies to share some of their favorite recycled posts. Roni blogs here, there and (seemingly) everywhere, but always manages to generate interesting and compelling content. Here's a post that resonated quite a bit with me...

A few weeks ago I asked How do you find balance? I was (and still am) feeling a bit overwhelmed. Blame it on trying to sell and buy a house, having a toddler, owning my own business, tax season, getting older, watever! I could list a bazillion things going on in my life and I’m sure you can to. But let’s face it, there are and will always be things that stress us out.


But how do we stay sane? How do we juggle responsibilities with interests? Work with play? Family and self? How DO we really find balance?

I’m not sure we’ll ever have the perfect answer but I was able to compile these 10 tips from the comments on my Finding Balance question.

Take Time For Yourself

 

I’m listing this one first as I think it the most important AND the hardest. Part of the problem most of us feel is that there is just NOT enough time. So how do justify taking even more of that precious resource just for ourselves. What we need to remember is that if we don’t take care of ourselves we won’t be able to take care of others. As they say "Put on your oxygen mask first!"

Action Items: Find time for yourself even if it’s just a few moments. Sit in a quiet room. Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk with your iPod. Take advantage of the gym’s free daycare. Something. ANYTHING! But make sure it’s just for you.

 

SLEEP! 

 

I’m so bad with this. And sometimes I think it’s in direct competition with the tip above. If I am going to take time for myself then somethings gotta give and that something is generally sleep. It seems to be the easiest thing to sacrifice. But at what cost? We (or maybe it’s just me) need to realize that sleeping is as important as eating healthy and staying active. It really completes that healthy trio.

Action Items: Make an effort to go to bed half an hour to an hour earlier then you normally do. Have kids? Nap if/when they nap.

Make a To Do List

 

Sometimes I feel like I just can’t remember things like I used to. There was a time in my early 20’s when I didn’t need a calender. I didn’t email myself reminders. I never wore a watch. Yet I was on time, finished my work, returned messages and accomplished what I was suppose to routinely. Now I wonder what happened to that efficient, productive women. Where did she go? Regardless if it’s age, distractions or just too many responsibilities, I have to come to terms that that women is gone. I must find away to be productive without her.

Action Items: Take a moment every night to jot done the tasks that need to be accomplished the next day. Keep a list of long term goals. Get a white board in the kitchen for family to do’s.

Accomplish Something Small and FINISH it

 

Nothing beats the power of momentum. I truly believe procrastination’s worse enemy is accomplishment. Once you accomplish a task, no matter how small, the ball starts rolling and it gets easier to start the next. The key is to start small and end big!

Action Items: Look at your list, chose something easy to accomplish and JUST DO IT! Even if it’s something as small as putting away clothes or returning an email. You’ll feel so much better when you do

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Ask for HELP!

 

*sigh* Confession time. I HATE asking for help. HATE IT! I don’t even like to accept it if it’s being offered. I can seriously be struggling with 50lbs of grocery bags and if someone offers a helping hand I turn it down. Not sure where this defect came from but I need to get over it. I have to remember there’s a difference between being independent and just being down right stubborn! There is nothing wrong with asking someone to give you a hand at whatever it is you need to accomplish. Sometimes I think we just don’t know how.

Action Items: Take a look at your list. What can you ask someone else to do for you? What tasks would be better to accomplish as a team?

Prioritize

 

Even though starting small builds a sense of momentum that can help you find balance, sometimes you need to skip the low priority items and head for the important ones. What’s important to you is going to be very unique based on your to do list and goals. Prioritizing your to-do can be an invaluable resource.

Action Items: Create a priority system. For example 1=low 3=high and assign numbers to the items on your to do list.

Recognize Your Accomplishments

 

Sometimes you may feel like you aren’t accomplishing anything but in actuality you ARE! I do this all the time. I feel off balance, stressed, out of sorts and then I sit down to write a post and realize all I have accomplished. Don’t get lost in your responsibilities without recognizing how much you are actually accomplishing. Sometimes you just need to BRAG!

Action Items: Take a look at all the item crossed off your to do list. Write out what you accomplished in a journal or blog. Have a conversation with a friend and talk about your day. You’ll may be surprised to hear yourself say aloud what you recently accomplished.

Remember.. The World Will NOT end.

 

I’m here to remind you (and myself) that the world will not end if the dishes don’t get washed. No one will die if the laundry stays in the dryer overnight. And take it from me, the emails will still be in your inbox tomorrow. We need to learn to Control It, Change It or simply LET IT GO!

Action Items: Let something go today. Prove to yourself the world won’t end.

Remove Distractions

 

Recently I tweeted "Roni has come to the sad conclusion that the only way to actually accomplish work is by disconnecting. *sigh*" It’s true, we live in a world full of distractions. Don’t blame it on the internet, this problem was around way before twitter. Sometimes we just have to learn to avoid them.

Action Items: Disconnect from the internet. Turn off the TV. Close your e mail window.

Be Grateful

 

Sometimes it’s not all about US. We may feel out of control or stressed but I think it’s important to note that we aren’t alone. Look around at those you love. Be thankful for what you have. When I’m feeling a bit stressed sometimes just looking at the toddler playing happily reminds me of what’s really important.

Action Items: Make a gratitude list. Take a moment every day to reflect on what you have in life. Thank your loved ones for just being them. :)

Alright, I’m off to cross out "Write Balance Post" from my to do list. :)


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Never Hire A Prayer Intern

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday. There was a time when I trotted out some of my older posts to fill this space, but now I ask other blogger buddies to share a favorite old post from their own blog archives. Today's contribution is from Ryan at No More Bacon. Ryan can be a lovable goofball at times, but his heart's usually in the right place... and the rest of his body is slowly but surely getting there, too.




In 2006 I was admitted to the hospital with some serious issues. I had a perforated ulcer in my stomach that had been misdiagnosed as kidney stones. For 6 days I drank fluids hoping to pass the phantom kidney stones and for six days I got sicker and sicker and sicker. All the fluids I was taking in were filling my abdominal cavity (this is a bad thing) and after nearly a week I had become completely septic. Basically I was so full of infection that all of my vital organs were on the verge of shutting down. When I was admitted to the hospital it was because I was being rushed to emergency surgery to save my life. They used the trauma unit emergency room and I laid on my back looking up at the blinding lights while a team of literally dozens of professionals surrounded me and prepared to send me to the operating room.

I was scared.

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt more helpless in my entire life than I did in that moment.

I prayed.

I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed in my entire life.

I was newly married with our first child only months from joining our family. I was worried about them and had to think about the reality of them moving on without me.

I prayed for them.

It may sound like I’m being dramatic, but I assure you the situation was very real and very serious.
I made it through surgery but the next 7 days were touch and go, from what I’ve been told anyway.
I had a temperatures of 108 which could have easily caused brain damage. Actually, that might explain a lot…

I was basically unconscious and completely incoherent for an entire week.

During that week my family prayed for me. I could feel their strength helping me through.
I spent another two weeks after that in the hospital and about 3 months after that dealing with an abdominal surgical wound that just wouldn’t heal.

Now I don’t share this experience for your pity. That experience helped me to learn that I’m a fighter, no matter what.

I share the experience with you because of all the prayers that were said during that rough patch. Praying was easy. I was begging for mercy and for a miracle. I was praying in desperation. I was praying like my life depended on it… because it did.

But what happens when life is good? Do we immediately recognize our blessings as earned or deserved? Or do we realize that this life is a gift?

The reason I ask is because I’ve found myself slipping as of late. I haven’t been taking the time to give thanks to God for all of the amazing gifts in my life. With the value of time being at a premium these days it’s almost tempting to go hire somebody to take care of my praying for me. And just how ridiculous does that sound?

Ridiculous right? Right.

That would be like hiring somebody to workout for me. It sounds AWESOME at first, but believe it or not having someone sweat for you doesn’t help you out at all either. I guess it would let you mark it off the to do list, but as far as the stress release, health promoting goodness that a workout provides, you wouldn’t be getting any of it.

I won’t go into the next part too far because this post is already getting lengthy, but in the same way it was easy for me to remember to pray lying on my back in that emergency room, remembering and being motivated to exercise are easier to come by when you’re hooked up to an EKG machine or your doctor is discussing blood pressure medication with you at the age of 28.

There are a few things that only we have control of. Our health is one, prayer is another. Spending time with family falls in there too. The point is that there are things in our lives that, no matter what time management techniques we use, have to be made priorities. There are things that only we can do. No one can do them for us. And as nice as having someone do them for us sounds, how would we ever learn or grow without taking control and taking action?

I’m grateful to be alive today and I’m grateful for a second chance at health. I am truly blessed.
There may come a point in my life when I have someone trying on socks or scheduling my next appointment for me (yeah, right), but you will never find me with a prayer intern.

Never.


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You've Got To Hide Your Lard Away

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I used to re-post some of my best posts until I ran out of posts that were worth a crap, so I decided to invite some of my other blogging buddies to share their favorite repeats from their own blogs. Today's entry is from Shauna Reid (better known as the amazing Dietgirl). She's a fantastic communicator and a true inspiration. Check her site out.

I had this brainwave to make a wee photo album for my sister of all travels. We came to Scotland together in 2003 on a working holiday visa, where the idea is to work work work then see as much of Europe as you can before your visa and/or money runs out.

I poked through a gazillion folders trying to find pictures of us in front of famous landmarks but it was slim pickings, folks. Take the first ever trip we did, a long weekend in Paris. I was so excited to finally be off the couch and seeing the world, but wasn't bold enough to want photographic evidence of this newfound adventurousness. Every time I got the camera out I'd think, My hair sucks. I need a new bra. My head is enormous. My body is revolting. And it was hot and my face was red so I told myself, I'll just come back here some day when I'm smaller and better dressed.
 
So all I have are a few dodgy shots with my noggin lurking in a corner.

Even as I lost more weight I still kept hiding. On the rare occasions I let Rhiannon take my picture, I'd bark orders, "Make sure I'm just in the corner! Don't go below the waist! Actually, don't go below the chin!" Or I'd try to hide my body behind statues or trees or sunglasses or hats.

We went on a tour of Russia and Scandinavia in 2004 and I nearly keeled over from Photophobia. Every seven seconds in front of another church or museum someone would shout, "GROUP SHOT!" I'd fight my way to the back row and hide behind the tallest bloke. So despite having been desperate to see Russia my whole life, I only have two fuzzy, barely-recognisable pieces of photographic evidence that I ever went there.

I would love to go back in time and kick my own arse. DUDE! Why didn't you just GET IN THE STINKING PICTURES!? These were once in a lifetime experiences! Sure I looked like hell while travelling, but most people do, especially when you're on a budget.


I know I have the memories in my head, but there's something special about having a souvenir photo on your desktop or mantelpiece. I'd kill to have a decent shot of Rhiannon and I together in Red Square or Reykjavik. We worked long and hard to afford those trips so it's sad not have captured the euphoria and relief on our faces when we finally got there. But at the time it didn't feel like I'd be collecting memories, I just thought I'd be documenting FAT FAT FAT!

My favourite picture from our travels is this one from Estonia in 2004, that Rhiannon took without my knowledge. I look like a clown but I'm clearly not thinking about the fact my jeans were a snug size 18. I'm just thinking, "WOOHOO. Life is a hoot."

Every time I look at it, my resolve is strengthened to just jump into photos then laugh if they turn out dodgy. I'd rather have a dodgy photo of a happy moment than no photo at all. Half the joy is looking back and sniggering at your bad haircuts and questionable taste in fashion. I no longer say "I'll come back another day when I'm skinny", because the moment is already happening... right then and there!

So this is a call to any fellow Photophobes out there. Don't scream! Don't hide! Don't put yourself in a  corner! After all, you don't have to post the pictures on the bloody internet. They can gather dust on your hard drive, ready to make you smile and spark your memory when you're old and grey.


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Impossible Butterfly

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, which is now transitioning into a completely different kind of "Same Old Sh*t". Instead of re-posting my own older work, I'm asking some other bloggers to re-post their own favorite posts. I've always enjoyed Journey Beyond Survival's unique perspective on the struggles we're all dealing with... plus, she makes me laugh (and who doesn't appreciate a good laugh every now and again?).

"Don't step on it!" Beansprout yelled.

I just about peed my pants, but obliged. Beansprout has become the Keeper of the Catepillars. When I was out gardening in my beautiful flower bed, he just about drove me crazy. Punctuated with the occasional, "LOOK OUT" my afternoon was peaceful, getting in my last annuals and stepping back to survey the fabulousness every so often.

I even learned to capitalize on his exuberance.

"Yo Beansprout!" I point my spade. "Your friend there is eating my plants!  You better get him off my plants!"

The lovely little boy would oblige!  Worked every single time.  He never got tired of it, and I should know because I tried it a lot of times. He was vigilant in taking care of those plants catepillars.

Why am I telling you this?  I should post this on my personal blog right?  Of course. But the reason I bring that up is this:  he was vigilant!

He attempted the impossible.

You know and I know that taking care of all the catepillars everywhere is impossible. No. This is not a continuation of the philosophical questions that we talked about. This is about Beansprout attacking the insurmountable with a vengeance. You know what?

He convinced me.

Every plant of mine was stripped of every caterpillar in my sight. They probly did get scared of me and just shifted with my perspective. But, Beansprout did 90% of the impossible. Awesome, no? Nothing is impossible.

However, Beansprout became complacent. NO. I did not make my poor son sit outside all day and night plucking away the caterpillars off my flowers. He became complacent when he took ownership of one and put it in a jar. I do the exact same thing when I'm happy and confident with where I am BEFORE I've reach my goals.

I warned him. I warned Beansprout to put fresh leaves in there. Caterpillars can't eat potpourri, ya know. I tilted it speculatively each day and said, "He's gonna DIE. You gotta get him more leaves!" But he never did a thing. Just seemed happy that the darn thing wasn't getting into any trouble in there. On display and in control. I knew it was doomed. One day I didn't even move the jar. No butterfly from that dehydrated worm.

Hubbend looked at it that evening. He evaluated it. I said, "If ya hafta shake it, the odds aren't good."
So sad. Lesson learned. Do not get overconfident. Crash and burn is possible.  Poor Beansprout. Poor us 'cause we have to tell him. Poor bingeing JourneyBeyondSurvival. Can't handle real life or losing weight anymore because she is happy and satisfied at 194 pounds. Twenty eight pounds lost and I felt like a winner.

Ha ha. Funny joke's on me. I think I'll go buy another small mint oreo blizzard and a bag of 24 mini krispy kreme crueller donuts.

But you know what happened? Today, as Hubbend was heading outside to dump out the dried mess in of the jar the stinking caterpillar MOVED. That's right. It was alive. It hung out all scared and conserving strength as the world around it decayed. But when it mattered, that thing got going. Hubbend took it out reverently and dumped it in the grass.

There is no way that poor thing is going to grow up in this house. No metamorphosis in the dessert in the jar. So, we changed the situation and gave it a better chance. In a few days - I'm sure as far away from here as possible–there will be a great change taking place.

There will be the emergence of the Impossible Butterfly.

You and ME on the other side of our goals.

Mind Games

Mind Games

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, which I call "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday because if I called it "The Best of Jack Sh*t", I'm pretty sure none of the posts would actually qualify. This piece actually has a pretty wise point but it's completely covered up in nonsense, much like a salad topped with hot fudge. Sorry, I'm fantasizing again...

I firmly believe that 90% of this weight-loss business is mental, and that if you can win the battle with your brain, your chances of success are a great deal higher.

With that in mind, here are some mental “games” you can play to help keep you dialed in and focused on the task at hand…

• When you’re at the gym, pretend that one of the other people there is a murderer. Ask questions to the people around you and see if you can guess who it is (hint: the murderer likes the treadmill).
• Try e-a-t-i-n-g in s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.
• Whenever you’re in a restaurant, imagine disgruntled, low-paid employees are in the back spitting on your food (if it helps you, there probably really are disgruntled, low-paid employees in the back spitting on your food).
• You = Godzilla. Baby carrots = screaming Asians.
• Give yourself a point every time you don’t eat a corn chip.
• You’ll get a better workout from a highly motivated personal trainer, so before your session, inform your PT that you just keyed up his or her car.
• Think of yourself as a real-life Ms. Pac-Man; you should eat healthy food (like cherries) and go running every day (so ghosts don’t catch and kill you).
• Every time you get an email, drink an 8 oz. glass of water.
• Imagine that fresh ripe succulent fruit is something delicious instead.
• Work out with your imaginary friend Sergio and his pet Chihuahua Miss Tizzy.
• Run a mile every time you use a swear word.
• It’s more exciting if you think of your salad as actually being in 3-D.

Gone With the Pounds

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where summer reruns last all year long! My first draft of this post was about four times the length, but I simply couldn't inflict my readers with that much nonsense. This is bad enough as it is...

This is the story of the beautiful, vivacious and morbidly obese CARBLOT O’HERA as she struggles with the aftermath of the Civil War as well as her ever-expanding waistline and her on-again-off-again relationship with the dashing and fit CAPTAIN JACK SH*TLER.

Note: this has a very serious message, so I refrained from including a musical number.

Chapter 12 – Tara, Land of Hope (and Twinkees)

Smellanie is seriously sick. She knows there is not much time left for her, and begs to see Carblot.

CARBLOT: It’s me, Smellie.

SMELLANIE: Oh, Carblot. How good of you to come. I fear I haven’t much time, and I must speak with you.

CARBLOT: Oh, Smellanie. You must believe everything is going to be okay…

SMELLANIE: No, I’m fading fast. *cough* Promise me something, Carblot.

CARBLOT: What is it, Smellie?

SMELLANIE: I’d like you to lose some weight, dear.

CARBLOT: I’ll try, Smellie.

SMELLANIE: I’m serious as a heart attack, Carblot.

CARBLOT: But you did have a heart attack, Smellie.

SMELLANIE: Nevermind that now, Carblot… this is important. Look at me, here dyin’ from obesity-related illnesses.

CARBLOT: I said I’d try, Smellie.

SMELLANIE: Well, could you at least hide that turkey leg?

CARBLOT: Is there anything else, Smellie?

SMELLANIE: Captain Sh*tler...be kind to him...he loves you so...

CARBLOT: Yes, (NOM NOM NOM) Smellie.

Smellanie passes away. Later that afternoon, Carblot has a run-in with Captain Jack in the parlor.

JACK: Smellanie, she's...well. God rest her soul. She may have been fatter than a swamp possum with the mumps, but she was the only completely kind person I ever knew. Great lady. Though she's dead. That makes it nice for you, doesn't it?

CARBLOT: Oh, how can you say such things? You know how I loved her really.

JACK: Well, somebody took that box of Lil’ Debbie snack cakes that Smellanie bought last week. But at least it's to your credit that you didn’t eat in front of her in her final moments.

CARBLOT: Ummmmm…

JACK: If only she’d done something about her health earlier. It’s a pity, Carblot.

CARBLOT: She thought of everybody except herself. Why her last words were about your blog.

JACK: What did she say?

CARBLOT: She said, be kind to Captain Sh*tler, not everyone thinks his song parodies are as funny as he does.

JACK: Did she really say that? Well, did she say anything else?

CARBLOT: I forget.

JACK: You forget? She died twenty minutes ago…

CARBLOT: She said… well, she asked me to lose a little weight.

JACK It's convenient to have forgotten that, isn't it?

CARBLOT: What do you mean? What are you doing?

JACK: I'm leaving, my dear. I’ve tried to help you with this weight-loss journey, but it’s obvious to me you’re just not serious about it.

CARBLOT: No! No, you're wrong! Terribly wrong! I do want to lose weight. Oh Jack, when I knew tonight, when I realized that I could really and truly do it, I ran home to tell you, oh darling!

JACK: Please don't go on with this. Leave us some dignity to remember out of all our failed diet attempts.

CARBLOT: Oh Jack, do listen to me. I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to join Weight Watchers… only I’m not going to stay for the meetings.

JACK: It’s no use, Carblot, I tried everything. If you'd only met me halfway, just tried eating those vegetables...

CARBLOT: I was so glad you cooked, I was Jack, but, but they were so nasty! And it was giving me a headache to hear Mammy Chrissy hollering “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout steamin’ no vegtibles!”

JACK: And then when you skipped out on that personal training session I set up for you, it was all my fault. I hoped against hope that you'd go to the gym with me, but you wouldn’t.

CARBLOT: I wanted to. I wanted to desperately, but I didn't have any good shoes!

JACK: It seems we've been at crossed purposes, doesn't it? But it's no use now. As long as you were committed to losing weight there was a chance we might be happy. I like to think that maybe someday you’ll get serious about it again.

I think any chance you might have had has dried and and blown away, is just (pause for dramatic effect) gone with the wind..

CARBLOT: Oh, Jack, Jack, please don't say that. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything.

JACK: My darling, you're such a child. You think that by saying “I'm sorry”, all the past can be corrected. Here, take my water bottle. Never in any crisis of your life have I known you to have a water bottle.

CARBLOT: Jack, where are you going?

JACK: I'm leaving Obese City forever. Going back where I belong.

CARBLOT: Please, please take me with you.

JACK: No. I'm through trying to convince you that there’s a better way. I want peace. I want to see if somewhere if there is somewhere left in life with nutritious food and a commitment to better health. Do you know what I'm talking about?

CARBLOT: No. I only know that I love you… and pork products.

JACK: That's your misfortune.

CARBLOT: Jack! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

JACK: I don’t know, but frankly my dear, I won't eat a ham.

Jack leaves.

CARBLOT: I can't let him go. I can't. There must be some way to bring him back. Oh, I can't think about that now. I'll go crazy if I do, I...I'll think about it tomorrow. Or maybe Monday. Yes that’s it… I’ll start again on Monday.

CARBLOT: Because a healthy future is really the only thing that matters. It's the only thing that lasts. It’s where we get our strength.

CARBLOT: And as God is my witness, I’ll always be hungry again!

- THE END -

I Am Your Bodyguard

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I... um... just dish out a little of the same old sh*t I've posted here before (aren't you glad I cleared that up?). One of the things I like best about weight loss blogging is the way we've all got each others' backs. That's the spirit I was trying to invoke in this post.



Imagine…

You’re jerking open a bag of Lay’s, experiencing that singular anticipation of something salty and satisfying sliding down your gullet...

Suddenly, I appear out of nowhere and smack the bag out of your hand. Before you can do much more than release an astonished gasp, my size 13 Converse is stomping the everloving sh*t out of those chips while I laugh a decidedly evil laugh.

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No, I can’t really slap that bag of chips outta your hands, even though just thinking about doing such an audacious thing puts a silly smile on my kisser.

Yes, I’m a big enough man (figuratively) to admit it: I get a sick thrill to think about following you around and forcing you to act right.

Make you think about eating right because you’re worried about my snide comment or fierce glare.

Make you think about stuffing your face because you’re worried about me getting up in your grill.

Make you keep a watchful eye on the rear-view mirror while you’re in the drive-thru lane, worried that some overprotective psycho is going to ram your vehicle from behind.

See… that made me smile again.

I’d love to be your personal Diet Nazi, your weight-loss enforcer.

A bodyguard in the truest sense of the word.

I need one, too. Someone to ride shotgun and talk me down from the ledge when I think about straying off plan. Someone to provide a little tough love when… well, when the going gets tough. Someone who loves me enough to rough me up when I need roughing up.

Unfortunately, I can’t slap you around or impose my will on you by intimidation or force. I can’t do that for you, and you can’t do that for me.

But we can watch each other’s backs as we blog our journey to a fitter life. We can help keep each other honest, help keep each other on the straight and narrow. I got your back... you got mine.

Isn’t that what a bodyguard’s for, after all?

To keep us safe.

Something a Little Different

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I coast into the weekend by drudging up a post from my ever-expanding archive and re-posting it while I actually spend a day not blogging, thank you very much. This was the post that started my use of note cards in JSGF, something I've used (and abused) since then.