Saturday, September 25, 2010

I Am Your Bodyguard

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I... um... just dish out a little of the same old sh*t I've posted here before (aren't you glad I cleared that up?). One of the things I like best about weight loss blogging is the way we've all got each others' backs. That's the spirit I was trying to invoke in this post.


You’re jerking open a bag of Lay’s, experiencing that singular anticipation of something salty and satisfying sliding down your gullet...

Suddenly, I appear out of nowhere and smack the bag out of your hand. Before you can do much more than release an astonished gasp, my size 13 Converse is stomping the everloving sh*t out of those chips while I laugh a decidedly evil laugh.


No, I can’t really slap that bag of chips outta your hands, even though just thinking about doing such an audacious thing puts a silly smile on my kisser.

Yes, I’m a big enough man (figuratively) to admit it: I get a sick thrill to think about following you around and forcing you to act right.

Make you think about eating right because you’re worried about my snide comment or fierce glare.

Make you think about stuffing your face because you’re worried about me getting up in your grill.

Make you keep a watchful eye on the rear-view mirror while you’re in the drive-thru lane, worried that some overprotective psycho is going to ram your vehicle from behind.

See… that made me smile again.

I’d love to be your personal Diet Nazi, your weight-loss enforcer.

A bodyguard in the truest sense of the word.

I need one, too. Someone to ride shotgun and talk me down from the ledge when I think about straying off plan. Someone to provide a little tough love when… well, when the going gets tough. Someone who loves me enough to rough me up when I need roughing up.

Unfortunately, I can’t slap you around or impose my will on you by intimidation or force. I can’t do that for you, and you can’t do that for me.

But we can watch each other’s backs as we blog our journey to a fitter life. We can help keep each other honest, help keep each other on the straight and narrow. I got your back... you got mine.

Isn’t that what a bodyguard’s for, after all?

To keep us safe.


  1. I like the idea of somebody ramming vehicles in the drive thru. Even better, why don't we commission some of those HUGE vehicle magnet decals and slap them on the back of the particularly greedy cars.

    You know, the ones that order enough for a small family but there's nobody in that tinted vehicle but them? (Don't ask how I know. That's beside my point)

    "I just ate enough for a small army"
    "Mmmm. Tub 'o Lard. Finger Lickin Good"

    I think I just scared myself straight for a while.

  2. I am so glad that you upcycle pre-read posts for a little bit of re-inpsiration. It's kinda like reading a book for the second time (or so I hear). It's kinda like watching a movie for the second time ((nods knowlinging)); you get different shit when cuz you're in a different place.

    And I'm supercalifradulisically happy you did it today. I was JUST getting ready to eat a bag of Lays for breakfast. With milk. It IS the most important meal of the day.

  3. so funny, I do just that sometimes when folks bring chips into the office and leave them... I stomp on the bag and then dump them in the trash.....I don't trust myself not to have a George Costanza moment (Seinfeld) LOL!!!

  4. OH man I need a bodyguard!! I would love a bodyguard! I need someone to kick ME when I go for the chips! The hell with stomping on the bag. Just put that Converse up my ass! Ugh! I am working on getting on track. Truly, by Monday, I will be mapping out a new routine (now that I'm done with school) to get me going.

  5. I will keep that "stompin'" visual in my brain for the next time I am faced with a 2 pound bag of peanut M&Ms

  6. I seriously need you to come and beat the sh*t out of me Jack!! More so than usual.

  7. I dunno Jack. I think my long monkey arms might just be able to reach through the magical interwebs and smack the Jack right off your face! Next time you even THINK about Lays, you'd better watch yourself. I've got one hell of a right!

  8. Tough love! Sometime we all need it! I laughed at the visual of the chips being slapped out of my hand! LOL!

    Thanks for the comment on my blog. I'm excited and a little nervous for my first 5K...nothing to do but prepare with runs until then.



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