Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Expandables (A League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen Adventure)


Fat Daddy!” exclaimed Jack, throwing open the double doorway of the Great Hallroom. “Welcome back to (dramatic pause for effect)The League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Ermm,” stammered the newcomer. “It's F...”



“If what…?” asked Jack.



“No, it's just that I go by ‘F Daddy’ now.”



“Well, speaking of changes,” smiled Jack. “There've been a few 
since you were last here...”

Tricia at the front desk told me that the Tonys are gone,” mentioned Fat… errrr… F Daddy.

“Yeah, Gay Tony went off to form the Pink Panda Patrol or the Purple Panda Posse or some such nonsense,” explained Jack, taking a seat at the long conference table. “And Not-Gay Tony has formed The League of Extraordinarily Fat Facebook Friends.”

“But…”

“Yeah, yeah,” smirked Jack. “Our lawyers are all over it. Some of the rest are on sabbatical… others are just doing their own thing.”

“So the League is no more…” frowned F Daddy.

Au contraire, my friend,” said Jack French-ily. “The League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen is stronger than ever. Here let me sound the alarm…”

He pressed at button at a console on the table and the building filled with a melodious tune.

“Is that what I think it is?” smiled F Daddy.

“Yes, it’s the song from an ice cream truck,” answered Jack. “For some reason, it works better than a traditional alarm.”

A muscular figure burst through the door, and assumed a stance that said that she was, indeed, her own superhero.

“I can’t believe it,” exclaimed F Daddy.

“Look who’s up in herre,” said Jack, doing the worst impersonation in the history of impersonations.

“Is that who I think it is?”

“That’s right,” smiled Jack. “It’s the Marvelous MizFit!”

“Why’s she wearing gloves on her feet?” asked F Daddy.

“Don’t get her started on that,” said Jack. “She’s one of our resident MILF’s.”

“MILF’s?”

“My Incredible League Females,” smiled Jack.

“Wait,” said F Daddy. “There’s more…?”

“That’s right… whoa look out…”

A tornado seemed to touch down at the foot of the stairs, and then two heavy kettlebells thudded against the floor.

“Dammit!” yelled Jack. “These are hardwood floors, Karen!”

“Who is that?”

KCLAnderson,” answered Jack. “Or as we like to refer to her: MizKettleBell Asskickerbutter.”

“Well that just rolls off the tongue,” smirked F Daddy. “And who’s that?”

“Who?” asked Jack.

“The tattooed chick over there chugging Coors Light?”

“That’s Suzi Storm.”

“What’s her deal?” asked F Daddy.

“She drinks beer and still loses weight.”

“By God, that is impressive!”

“Plus we have our Weight Watcher’s version of Aquaman: TJ Booboo!” said Jack.

“Wasn’t Aquaman the lamest of all the superheroes?”

“Well, yeah, pretty much,” admitted Jack. “But TJ can cook like nobody’s business… and she can tell if … um anybody… urinates in the pool.”

“Is that it for new members?” asked F Daddy.

“Oh hell no,” laughed Jack. “We’ve got Fitarella in case we need to generate a bunch of votes, Mrs Fatass for her super-sharting powers and the abilities to traumatize youngsters and Mish in case we need anybody exposing themselves.”

“I’ve noticed a trend,” said F Daddy.

“Yeah?”

“Seems like you’ve gotten rid of all the ‘gentlemen’ in the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Well, now that you mention it,” frowned Jack. “I’m sorry but you’re being booted out of the League, too.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me over the phone?” yelled F Daddy. “Why make me fly all the way over here?”

“I hate to give bad news over the phone,” said Jack.

“But I had to buy a plane ticket, take off work...”

“You see how selfish you are. That’s one of the reasons you’ve been kicked off the team.”

“So, you’re the only guy in the League now?”

“Well, TOM’s around here somewhere,” admitted Jack. “Truthfully, he’s a little scared to show his face right now…”

“Well, I’m out of here then…” sneered F Daddy, turning to leave. “And just so you know, calling this post The Expandables is kinda stupid since The Expendables is about a bunch of dudes.”

“Well,” said Jack, calling after F Daddy. “I was gonna go see it, but Anita wanted to see Eat, Pray, Love instead.”

“Come on,” commanded the Marvelous Mizfit. “We’re all going to run down to town and see if we can inspire a few folks to live more healthy.”

“But it’s four miles to town,” whined Jack. “Maybe I’ll just stay here and chillax… I mean, man the emergency blogging frequency.”

“Beer’s all gone, by the way,” said Suzi.

“Dammit!” frowned Jack. “Well, maybe I’ll just go for a swim…”

“Jaaaaaack,” said TJ with a furrowed brow. “Remember what we talked about...”

“Ummmm, well maybe I’ll just take a nap.”

“Jack,” said Mizfit. “You’re not going to be allowed to be a part of this group unless you participate in our activities.”

“Yeah,” said Karen. “You aren’t exempt from your responsibilities as a League member.”

“Look,” said Jack. “I’m a founding member of the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen, and now I’m the only dude on the team.”

“So?” said TJ.

“So?” asked Jack incredulously. “Can you imagine what this world would be like without a man around?”

“Umm,” said Mrs. Fatass. “No crime and lots of happy fat women?”

“Ooooo,” exclaimed Jack. “I'm glad you said that instead of me...”


THE END... FOR NOW...

23 comments:

  1. Finally, I made it. With a shoutout for sharting and Business Time, no less. Yay!!

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  2. Jack!
    You kicked out the only dude left blogging? Bad form! I might go so far as to say that's Sh.tty!!! But your MILF's totally rock. And of course, I'm jealous!

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  3. I am here to represent if needed !!!

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  4. Who knew that was what MILF REALLY stood for....

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  5. aw darn! I need to step up my blogging AND weightloss...I want to join!

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  6. Humph. I guess we all know now, Charlie!

    Shoutout to Mrs. FatAss!! Happy Birthday Month!

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  7. Oh my goodness Jack...you crack me up! This is hysterical and I love being part of the super team! I gotta get my suit on, it's a pool day! :) WHOOHOO! :)

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  8. Great. They've got you now too. I'm gonna go hang out with Gay Tony.

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  9. That's hilarious. Thanks for the laugh this morning. :)

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  10. Darn I never get picked lol You know us women "all about me" lol.

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  11. And I finally spilled coffee while reading this blog. No keyboards or screens were harmed. It was the "gloves in the feet" joke LMAO

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  12. *looks around to see if anyone sees her*
    youve sucked me back in...just when I thought I was out :)
    it's an offlineselfcareday for this misfit...but I had to come by and get my LAUGH ON.
    THANK YOU.

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  13. WAHOOOO! I'm in!!!! I MADE IT!! Thank YOU JS!!!

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  14. ABSOLUTELY FANTABULOUS!!!!!!!!! YOU and all these #Fitbloggers ROCK!!
    Dr. Mo (@FitInMyHeart)

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  15. About time you get some gals involved in order to truly be extraordinary! Thanks for the laugh!

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  16. Oh Jack...I cant tell you the size of the smile this put on my face. To be included in such a wonder list of amazing people is truly touching. We sure do make on hell of a force huh?!?!

    Just a side note...With me in the team, we would *never* run out of beer ;)

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  17. Okay. I'm launching an inquiry! Now that the league is filling up with girls I need to know how I get back in. I'd even ride on an airplane to find out.

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  18. MILF - I like that!!!! Now put me on or I will kick your arse! ;-)

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  19. BIG GRINS all the way from Bermuda, where there is no asskickingbuttering going on...but how cool to read this!! A league of our very own!

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  20. That is such a funny blog! Keep it up and I will remember the asskickingbuttering for a long time.LOL... and the MILF... LMAO

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  21. Can you send me an application form in about three months??

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