Friday, September 3, 2010

Staying on a Diet in a Restaurant

  • Use the basket of bread to build a beautiful but impenetrable bread fort.
  • Order a glass of diet wine.

  • Try eating your soup with chopsticks.

  • Ask if you can be served by a less overweight waitress.

  • Whenever you go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, try to remember not to eat all you can eat.

  • Ask for a to-go box so you can take your leftover gristle home for later.

  • Instead of a rich, creamy soup opt for a poor, filmy one.

  • Run a lap around the table after every bite.

  • Order your salad with 100 Island dressing.

  • Imagine underpaid cooks spitting on your entree, then realize that… hey… that's no joke.

  • Bring your own Barbie plate to eat off of.

  • Instead of mashed potatoes, why not try an order of mashed nothing?

  • For exercise, shake your leg continuously until your dinner date drives a fork into your forehead.

  • A glass of dishwater will keep you from being so hungry before you order.

  • Ordering a child's portion for yourself will still give you plenty of food, plus give the waiter a good opportunity to laugh right in your face.

  • While your friends are laughing and having their pizza and beer, go key up their cars in the parking lot.

  • There’s nothing stopping you from heading back to the kitchen to let the chef know exactly how you want your meal prepared… at least not until the police show up.


  1. OMG this is hysterical! I especially love the keying the cars one :)

  2. Hey Jack - are we still meeting for lunch later?

  3. *snort* Keying someone's car - see, now you're just giving me ideas. You're so evil. LOL!

  4. Well, I think that any greasy spoon would just be pleased as punch to have you in their establishment. Especially with the running around the table like a mad man. Also, you forgot that there are extra calories floating around in the glass of dishwater. They don't charge you for the chunks floating around, but those chunks still count. Mop water is way safer.

  5. This post is a success. The thought of having a glass of dishwater has made me not hungry at all. Probably for the rest of the day. ;)

  6. okay, we are all outside keying the car...lololol.
    too funny. that was the one that stuck out to me You have a violent audience Jack.
    that whole thing was funny though. As for tellingthe chef what you want. I always assume the minute I get nitpicky, someone is in the back dropping my food on the floor and stepping on it. lol.

  7. glass of dish water - it's funny bcuz it's TRUE!

  8. Not of fan of you sharing my "keying cars while your eating cheesy carbs" routine. Now my friends will all know! haha Great funny post have a great (no BBQ fork stabbing) labor day

  9. If you're going to a fancy restaurant and you want to look classy you can also save calories by asking for water in a martini glass but make sure you still get the olive so you feel like its a real cocktail.

  10. Can't decide if I like the bread fort or the lap around the table option more...

  11. This was really hilarious! I especially like the one about shaking your leg continuously.

  12. I'm going to start running around my table.

  13. How many activity points do I get keying my friends car? Enough for a glass of non-diet wine?

  14. "Imagine underpaid cooks spitting on your entree, then realize that… hey… that's no joke."

    Precisely why I'm too scared sh*tless to send food back!

    Polar's Mom

  15. Sadly, I've actually found myself stuck in long meetings and wondering how many calories the leg shake burns. *grin*

  16. Thinking of my leftovers as "gristle" makes me think I will just forget the to-go box and let the restaurant keep it.



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