Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where summer reruns last all year long! My first draft of this post was about four times the length, but I simply couldn't inflict my readers with that much nonsense. This is bad enough as it is...
This is the story of the beautiful, vivacious and morbidly obese CARBLOT O’HERA as she struggles with the aftermath of the Civil War as well as her ever-expanding waistline and her on-again-off-again relationship with the dashing and fit CAPTAIN JACK SH*TLER.
Note: this has a very serious message, so I refrained from including a musical number.
Smellanie is seriously sick. She knows there is not much time left for her, and begs to see Carblot.
CARBLOT: It’s me, Smellie.
SMELLANIE: Oh, Carblot. How good of you to come. I fear I haven’t much time, and I must speak with you.
CARBLOT: Oh, Smellanie. You must believe everything is going to be okay…
SMELLANIE: No, I’m fading fast. *cough* Promise me something, Carblot.
CARBLOT: What is it, Smellie?
SMELLANIE: I’d like you to lose some weight, dear.
CARBLOT: I’ll try, Smellie.
SMELLANIE: I’m serious as a heart attack, Carblot.
CARBLOT: But you did have a heart attack, Smellie.
SMELLANIE: Nevermind that now, Carblot… this is important. Look at me, here dyin’ from obesity-related illnesses.
CARBLOT: I said I’d try, Smellie.
SMELLANIE: Well, could you at least hide that turkey leg?
CARBLOT: Is there anything else, Smellie?
SMELLANIE: Captain Sh*tler...be kind to him...he loves you so...
CARBLOT: Yes, (NOM NOM NOM) Smellie.
Smellanie passes away. Later that afternoon, Carblot has a run-in with Captain Jack in the parlor.
JACK: Smellanie, she's...well. God rest her soul. She may have been fatter than a swamp possum with the mumps, but she was the only completely kind person I ever knew. Great lady. Though she's dead. That makes it nice for you, doesn't it?
CARBLOT: Oh, how can you say such things? You know how I loved her really.
JACK: Well, somebody took that box of Lil’ Debbie snack cakes that Smellanie bought last week. But at least it's to your credit that you didn’t eat in front of her in her final moments.
JACK: If only she’d done something about her health earlier. It’s a pity, Carblot.
CARBLOT: She thought of everybody except herself. Why her last words were about your blog.
JACK: What did she say?
CARBLOT: She said, be kind to Captain Sh*tler, not everyone thinks his song parodies are as funny as he does.
JACK: Did she really say that? Well, did she say anything else?
CARBLOT: I forget.
JACK: You forget? She died twenty minutes ago…
CARBLOT: She said… well, she asked me to lose a little weight.
JACK It's convenient to have forgotten that, isn't it?
CARBLOT: What do you mean? What are you doing?
JACK: I'm leaving, my dear. I’ve tried to help you with this weight-loss journey, but it’s obvious to me you’re just not serious about it.
CARBLOT: No! No, you're wrong! Terribly wrong! I do want to lose weight. Oh Jack, when I knew tonight, when I realized that I could really and truly do it, I ran home to tell you, oh darling!
JACK: Please don't go on with this. Leave us some dignity to remember out of all our failed diet attempts.
CARBLOT: Oh Jack, do listen to me. I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to join Weight Watchers… only I’m not going to stay for the meetings.
JACK: It’s no use, Carblot, I tried everything. If you'd only met me halfway, just tried eating those vegetables...
CARBLOT: I was so glad you cooked, I was Jack, but, but they were so nasty! And it was giving me a headache to hear Mammy Chrissy hollering “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout steamin’ no vegtibles!”
JACK: And then when you skipped out on that personal training session I set up for you, it was all my fault. I hoped against hope that you'd go to the gym with me, but you wouldn’t.
CARBLOT: I wanted to. I wanted to desperately, but I didn't have any good shoes!
JACK: It seems we've been at crossed purposes, doesn't it? But it's no use now. As long as you were committed to losing weight there was a chance we might be happy. I like to think that maybe someday you’ll get serious about it again.
I think any chance you might have had has dried and and blown away, is just (pause for dramatic effect) gone with the wind..
CARBLOT: Oh, Jack, Jack, please don't say that. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything.
JACK: My darling, you're such a child. You think that by saying “I'm sorry”, all the past can be corrected. Here, take my water bottle. Never in any crisis of your life have I known you to have a water bottle.
CARBLOT: Jack, where are you going?
JACK: I'm leaving Obese City forever. Going back where I belong.
CARBLOT: Please, please take me with you.
JACK: No. I'm through trying to convince you that there’s a better way. I want peace. I want to see if somewhere if there is somewhere left in life with nutritious food and a commitment to better health. Do you know what I'm talking about?
CARBLOT: No. I only know that I love you… and pork products.
JACK: That's your misfortune.
CARBLOT: Jack! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
JACK: I don’t know, but frankly my dear, I won't eat a ham.
CARBLOT: I can't let him go. I can't. There must be some way to bring him back. Oh, I can't think about that now. I'll go crazy if I do, I...I'll think about it tomorrow. Or maybe Monday. Yes that’s it… I’ll start again on Monday.
CARBLOT: Because a healthy future is really the only thing that matters. It's the only thing that lasts. It’s where we get our strength.
CARBLOT: And as God is my witness, I’ll always be hungry again!