More, More, More Healthy Valentine's Day Gifts

• An aphrodisiac that also contains acidophilus

• Heart-shaped box of salad

• A no-piece swimsuit

• Chocolate-covered fish oil capsules

• Side-by-side sit-ups while listening to Ravel’s Balero

• Really raw pumpkin seeds

• Jeweled heart-rate monitor

• Cute stuffed teddy bear that, when you pull string in the back, shrieks at you with Jillian’s voice to do push-ups

• Dinner and a movie and a half-marathon

• Strip tease while doing elliptical

More Health Tips for Pregnant Ladies

• Don’t run a marathon after your water breaks.

• Though it sounds like it would be a time-saver, don’t take a month full of pre-natal vitamins at one time.

• Don't smoke or allow yourself to be exposed to secondhand, thirdhand or fourthhand smoke (a little fifthhand smoke never hurt anybody).

• DHA deficiency is very common and it is critical that pregnant women get adequate fish oils so that their baby can develop healthy and optimal brain tissue, so make sure you get plenty of oily fish in your diet.

• Pesticides on food is not healthy for your unborn child, so resist the urge to spray a bunch of pesticides on your food before eating.

• Adequate folic acid early in a baby's development helps prevent neurological defects such as spina bifida, which is apparently a real thing and not an 80’s hair band.

• Avoid sugar-free junk foods and junk-free sugar foods.

• If you’re planning to breast-feed, do not get the face of a scary monster tattooed on your boob.

Red Light. Green Light.

So there I was, sitting in my car at a busy intersection, and it got me thinking about how the situation kind of reflected my weight loss efforts.

I sat there, watching cars take off in all directions, all with different destinations in mind. To me, the cacophony of traffic represented all the diversions and distractions in my life, the things that pull me away from what I’m trying to accomplish.

I gazed deeply at the red light, thinking about how it symbolized the circumstances that slow down my progress, keep me from attaining my goals.

The changing traffic lights convey the start-and-stop nature of my journey, how some weeks I feel like I’m going full speed, other times my progress grinds to a complete halt.

And the people honking like crazy and that person behind me yelling “Go, you f*cking idiot!”… they represent the factors in my life that are pushing to keep me going forward, even if I’m not always thrilled with the way they get their message across. But I’ll admit it: sometimes you need a little tough love to get you moving in the right direction.

So I guess that’s the thought I’ll leave you with here today…

“Go, you f*cking idiot! Go!”

Tips for Dealing with the Flu

• Do not get a flu shot; get a flu prevention shot instead.

• Wash your hands, or at the very least, lick them clean.

• Kids can spread germs by passing around toys, so teach your child to never, ever share.

• It’s hard to tell if infants have the flu because they can’t describe exactly what symptoms they’re feeling, so concentrate on teaching your baby to talk.

• You can prevent dehydration by hydrating, dumbass.

• Throw away used tissues instead of shoving them back in the tissue box.

• When you call in sick to work, emphasize that you’re “really” sick this time.

• Introduce a good probiotic with a minimum 14 billion live organisms (make sure that you count them out yourself; 13.9 billion live organisms is just a waste of everybody’s time). 


• Since influenza infects your respiratory, or breathing, system, you shouldn’t blame the flu if you get nausea, vomiting or diarrhea. You can blame that on my cooking.

• When you begin exhibiting flu-like symptoms, start taking medicine-like medicine.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit – The Board Game!

 

 

 

 

 

  

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Then Join ‘Em… And Then Beat ‘Em!

Tried eating more and exercising less, and that didn’t work.

So I tried exercising less and eating more and that didn’t work either.

Tried exercising little more, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Tried eating little less, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Now I’m gonna try not eating more anymore and not exercising less anymore.

More less-eating.

Less exercising  less.

Less more-eating.

More exercising more.

I think that about covers it…

THE (SEMI)WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Last weigh-in: 241.0 lbs.

Loss: --

Healthiness Is...

...running up a flight of stairs without having to stop and utter the phrase "I think I'm gonna die" multiple times.

... getting as excited going to the farmers market as you used to get going to Baskin-Robbins.

...forgetting exactly how an elevator works.

...weighing yourself without shouting "You bitch!" at the scale.

...peace of mind that comes with the knowledge that you'll easily be able to outrun the filthy undead after Zombie Apocalypse.

...breakfast cereal that doesn't glow in the dark.

...a pair of worn-out running shoes.

...running to the end of the treadmill.

...vegetables in a smoothie!

...getting a good night's sleep instead of playing "Bejeweled" until 2 a.m.

...literally jumping for joy.

Even More Healthy Super Bowl Party Ideas

• Chin-ups & dip

• Every time a team scores, everybody does 5-minute touchdown dance

• Six-pack of beets

• Put TV on a spinning turntable so everyone has to keep moving to watch game

• Truvia Trivia (game with questions about “Nature’s Calorie-Free Sweetener”)

• Swedish wheatballs

• Homemade Doritos made out of kale

• Tofu-tball… no it’s not what you think… it’s a football made out of tofu. What? That’s what you thought it was? Damn, are you some kind of psychic?

• Buffalo Wings made from genuine buffalo

• Instead of 7-Layer Dip, try 6-Layer Dip… that’s 14% less layer

• Halftime half-marathon

Good Health for Cheapskates

• You can make your own crockpot by crocking up a regular pot.

• Instead of joining an expensive fitness center, why not just use the exercise equipment at Sears until the security guard asks you to leave?

• Can’t afford a personal trainer? Try using a puppet that you make shriek at yourself to do more sit-ups.

• Don't be afraid of frozen fruits and vegetables; yes, there’s a chance you could get trapped in the freezer case while reaching for the that bag of green beans, but the likelihood is slim.

• You can make your own Cheeto’s by mixing a little enriched corn meal, vegetable oil whey, salt, cheddar cheese, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, maltodextrin, disodium phosphate, sour cream, artificial flavor, monosodium glutamate, lactic acid, artificial colors (including yellow 6) and citric acid.

• Greek yogurt too expensive? Try regular yogurt with a few Greek olives in it.

• Don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry or have a lot of money.

• You can make your own weights by getting a stick and attaching an equal amount of some sort of weight on each end.

MLK Health Quotes

•  “Faith is taking the first step even when you haven’t trained a lick for that 10K race.” 


 •  “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, nor the silence of our friends, but how good we looked in our favorite jeans.”


•  “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to remember that being active is a key component to good health.” 


•   “Let no man pull you so low as to eat an entire cheesecake.” 


•  “Never, never be afraid to eat what’s right, especially because the well-being of your whole being is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict upon ourselves when we do not control our appetites.” 


•  “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands on the scale, but how his clothes fit him.” 


• “Only in the darkness can you see the stars. And a long walk at night is a great way to burn a few extra calories.” 


•  “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance, conscientious stupidity and those Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing at Outback Steakhouse.”


•  “Everybody can be great...because anybody can get fit. You don’t have to have a college degree to get fit. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to get fit. You only need a heart full of commitment and desire. A soul generated by love of self.” 


•  “Ice cream anywhere is a threat to waistlines everywhere.” 


•  “If a man is called to be a blogger, he should blog even as a Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should blog so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great blogger who did his job well… way better than that Jack Sh*t fella.'” 


•  “Healthiness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” 


•  “Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree, because apples are low in calories,contain no saturated fats or cholesterol and are rich in dietary fiber.”

•  “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by how much they weigh, but by the content of their character.” 


•  “I’ve been to the mountaintop… do you realize what an incredibly effective workout hiking is?”

•  

“There comes a time when one must take the position that is neither comfortable nor fun nor easy, but he must do it because his body tells him it is right.” 


•  “No person has the right to rain on your dreams or make fun of the way you do push-ups. GIRL PUSH-UPS AREN’T NECESSARILY JUST FOR GIRLS!.” 


•  “Life’s two most persistent and urgent questions are 'What are you doing for others?' and 'Do you really need to eat that entire basket of fries?'”


 •  “Fat-free at last, fat-free at last, Thank God almighty I’ve found a good-tasting yogurt that’s fat-free at last.”


•   “The day we see the truth and cease to overeat is the day we begin to diet.” 


Healthy Living on the Road

• Start any long travel day with a good, nourishing enema.
  
• Keep a magic marker on you so that you can log all of your food on your arm.
  
• If your hotel doesn’t have a fitness center, you can easily make one by getting a second room, buying a bunch of fitness equipment and stowing it all in there.
  
• If you're going to be consuming any alcohol during your travels, remember the old health adage “candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.” I'm not exactly sure why you should remember that, but it's vitally important that you do.
  
• Ask the hotel concierge to arm wrestle.
  
• The mini-bar is dangerous territory for dieters. Immediately pour all liquids down the drain and flush all chips, cookies and large-sized candy bars. The peace of mind you receive will more than make up for the $4,000 the hotel will charge your credit card.
  
• Keep plenty of raw fruits and vegetables, string cheese, bottled or boxed juices, nuts and … oh, that’s not going to happen!
  
• A basic workout of situps, push ups, jumping jacks, yoga and stretching can be done during virtually any business meeting.
  
• It’s important to stay hydrated when you travel, so carry plenty of water balloons in your briefcase.
  
• While on the plane, run as fast as you can from one end of the plane to the other waving your arms wildly.
  
• To make it easier not to overeat while traveling, be sure and go to restaurants you don’t like and order food that you hate.

Do Your Chins Hang Low?

Do your chins hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Do you have a turkey neck?
Can you knead ‘em like bread dough?
Do they make you say “Oh dear-a!”
When you look into a mirror?
Do your chins hang low?

Do your sides hang wide?
Do they flap from side to side?
Does your belly kinda flop?
Do you have a muffin top?
One of the low-waisted types?
Do you look real bad in stripes?
Do your sides hang wide?

Is the weight coming down?
Have you quit messing around?
Are you starting to eat less?
Are you making good progress?
Are you starting to believe it,
That you really can achieve it?
Is the weight coming down?

Healthy-Living Health Tips for College Students in College

• Use my secret recipe for “Cola Water” (half cola, half water); it’s got half the sugar and calories as regular cola!

• You can make sure that you get plenty of sleep each week by researching and scheduling the most uninteresting classes taught by the most boring professors.

• You can turn your dorm bed into an exercise trampoline by… well… just by jumping on it, I guess.

• Replace frat-party beer keg with vat of fresh-squeezed carrot juice.

• Choose whole-wheat crust for your breakfast pizza.

• Streaking burns over 750 calories per hour.

• Build strong arm muscles by taking an astrophysics class; have you seen the size of that textbook?

• Get your heart rate to maximum level by running up and down 20 flights of stairs or forgetting to study for your midterm exams.

• Alternate wheatgrass and tequila shots.

• Try eating fresh healthy food and getting plenty of exercise instead of what you normally do.

Superfreakily Fit

She's a very healthy girl.

The kind that don’t eat Quarter Pounders.

You will not believe the way she runs,
When you see her on the street,
Ow girl.



She likes the boys with the blogs;

She says that I'm her all-time favorite.
When she’s cooking, she always uses olive oil
She's never uses grease, ow no.

That girl is pretty healthy.

The girl is super fit.

The kind of girl you read about
In fitness magazines.

That girl is pretty stinky

The girl is super fit.
She really needs to shower,
After she works out.

But she's all right, she's all right
.
That girl's all right with me, yeah



She is super fit, super fit
She's super-fitty, yow

(everybody sing)

Super fit, super fit.


More Health Tips for Healthy Life-Living

• Cut back on high fructose corn syrup and really cut back on higher fructose corn syrup (and don't even get me started about highest fructose corn syrup!)



• Find time to sneak in exercise; for example, do some lunge-squats while waiting in line at Baskin-Robbins.



• You can make your own multi-vitamins by gluing a bunch of regular vitamins together.

• Set realistic goals, such as “This week, I am going to walk down to the mailbox to get the mail instead of taking the car.”

• It’s unhealthy to sleep on your heart, so always make certain that you keep your heart inside your body while asleep.

• Horny Goat Weed is a natural herbal supplement that increases libido in men and women, improves erectile function in men and–come to think of it–is a really sweet name for a band.

• Really spicy food can raise your metabolism, by making you run back and forth to the fridge to grab ice cubes to suck on.

• Taking a cold shower improves your skin tone and circulation, helps ward off colds and leaves more hot water for me.

Fitsy Land

Oh, I wish we didn’t have
Such a big bottom.

Old times there 
Are how we got ‘em.

Far away, far away, far away…

Fitsy Land.



In Fitsy Land, we’ll make a plan,

To live and be more fitsy.
Someday, Someday, someday…
Fitsy Land.



We’re getting way more fitsy,
Hooray! Hooray! 

In Fitsy Land, we’ve all began

To live and be more fitsy. 

And we’ll weigh, we’ll weigh

We’ll weigh far less when Fitsy!

Weight If?

Woody Allen once made an interesting point…

When we lose twenty pounds…

What if?

What if those twenty pounds are the best pounds we have?

What if they’re the twenty pounds that contain our genius?

Our humanity?

Our love and honesty?

What if those twenty pounds really are the best pounds we have?

I don’t know about you, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

Killing Time

He was struggling, he was stumbling, 

With his weight on a climb
.
Lived a bitter Jackie Sh*tter
.
He was guilty of killing time.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

Oh, my darling… killing time
.
It is lost and gone forever.

You’ll be sorry, killing time.



Light he was not, soft and squishy,

His eating habits were a crime.

Triscuit boxes ate non-stopses.

What a big waste there, killing time.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

Oh, my darling, killing time
.
It is lost and gone forever.

Dreadful sorry, killing time.



Then he woke up, got his nerve up.
Changed his choices and his life.
Now he eats well, exercises
No more heartache, no more strife.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

Oh, my darling, killing time.

It is lost and gone forever

I’m no longer killing time.



You can change things, you can do it.
You can make your life your own.
I can promise as long as I’m here,
You won’t do it all alone.



Oh, my darling, oh, my darling

It is time to stop  killing time

It’ll be lost and gone forever

If you don’t stop killing time.

The Ultimate Jack Sh*t Workout

 

You can't afford to hire a personal trainer or join a gym?

Well boo freakin' hoo! I'm gonna design a workout

for you to do in your own home...

 

All you need is a kettlebell. Okay, first you... what?

You don't have a kettlebell? Weren't you paying attention

when I told you how to make your own kettlebell

by welding an iron "C" to an ordinary metal ball? 

 Okay then. Just grab a couple of regular weights then.

These are my wife Anita's, and they're probably

too heavy for a beginner such as you.

Mine are probably too much for you, too.

Let's face it: you're a wimp. We're gonna have to start you

off with the most basic workout there is...

 PUPPY WORKOUT!

 Do a series of 10 one-armed puppy lifts,
but be careful to use proper form, keep your arm straight
and watch out for spraying puppy urine.

 

Two-handed puppy chest presses work...

ummmm... the chestoid muscle group.

 

 Feel.... the...  bark...

 After a few weeks of single-puppy workout,
you'll be ready to take this bitch up a notch!

 DOUBLE PUPPY WORKOUT!!!

 Be sure to... whoa... this is trickier than I thought...

Believe me... sixty minutes of puppy lifts is as effective as an

hour of lifting a similar amount of conventional weights.

So get yourself some puppies and get lifting.
Soon, if you stick with it, you'll have muscles like your ol' pal Jack.

 

Note: hardly any puppies were harmed in the making of this post.

Back on the Strip...

Our story actually begins here if you're a glutton for punishment...

Mr. Dithers: So anyway, this guy at my office is eating pizza and chili and these huge sandwiches and he never… I mean, he NEVER gains a pound. And he’s got a hot wife. It’s not fair!


Hagar: Jack: Do you have any other employees? I mean, you complain about this one guy all the time. Why not just fire him if he bugs you so much?

PHB: You should just keep giving him extra assignments until he quits.

Hagar: Ummmmm… is this the meeting of…um… fat… comic strip characters?

Jack: You’re in the right place. Take off your pointy hat and pull up a chair, Mister…

Hagar: Hagar the Horrible.

Jack: Okay, this is Mister Dahorrible. Welcome to T.O.O.N…. Toons Overcoming Obesity Now. And, ummmm… Mister Dahorrible? We don’t really like to label anybody ‘fat’.

Fat Chick: *ahem*

Jack: Well, except Fat Chick there from that caveman strip… you know, Fat Chick? That really just feels wrong…

Hagar: Well, I’m perfectly happy the way I am, but my wife has been giving me some grief lately.

Ziggy: Happiness doesn't depend on how much you have to enjoy ... but how much you enjoy what you have!

Fat Albert: I’m about to beat yo bald ass!

Sgt Snorkel: Can we get rid of the gang-banger already?

Fat Albert: Oh, you think 'cuz I’m African-American I gotta be in a gang?

Walt Duncan: Well, there are seventeen black kids waiting for you out by the street.

Fat Albert: Those are the Cosby Kids, bitch.

Jack: Settle down, let’s get back to Mr Dither’s problem...

Mr. Wilson: What about the fact that my wife is constantly baking cookies for the brat next door? My house smells like cookies 24/7!

Jack: Excuse me, Cathy? Roger? What’s are you two giggling about?

Charlie Brown: They’re watching youtube videos of me trying to kick a football.

Roger: *snicker* … she pulls it away… right when… he goes… to *snicker*  kick it…

Cathy: It’s just… *snicker* … mean.

Jack: Good health is kind of like that, isn’t it? I mean, we get so excited to see positive results, and then…

Charlie Brown: THEN A PINT-SIZED PSYCHO PULLS THE BALL AWAY AT THE LAST MINUTE!

Hagar: Ummmm, I think I’m gonna head out now…

Jack: Okay, but you’re welcome to come back anytime. Remember our motto…

Everyone: WE’RE NOT FAT… WE’RE JUST DRAWN THAT WAY!