One Flu Over the Flu-Flu's Nest

Wanna hear the craziest thing about my flu experience this week?

Right after the New Year holiday break, I called my doctor's office to schedule a long-overdue physical. I did it because (a) I'm a responsible adult who takes my health and well-being seriously and (b) my mother freaked out when she had my dad Horace check my blood pressure at a holiday gathering and the reading was a bazillion over a bajillion (probably because mom was standing over me shouting "I BET YOU HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE LIKE YOUR FATHER!!!!!"

So anyway, the day before my physical, I start feeling like crap on a stick. My wife Anita made me call the doctor's office to see if they still wanted me to come in since I was feverish. They said, come on in; we see sick people, too.

They did all the terrible physical things and I made all my same terrible jokes ("Geez, you could offer to buy a guy dinner before doing THAT!") and then they said they wanted to test me for flu.

I saw this test performed on my daughter Pisa during the holidays, so I knew they wanted to poke a long stick up through my nose and into my brain.  Ten minutes later, we knew I had Type A flu.

However, my blood pressure was spot-on perfect.

Tips for Dealing with the Flu

• Do not get a flu shot; get a flu prevention shot instead.

• Wash your hands, or at the very least, lick them clean.

• Kids can spread germs by passing around toys, so teach your child to never, ever share.

• It’s hard to tell if infants have the flu because they can’t describe exactly what symptoms they’re feeling, so concentrate on teaching your baby to talk.

• You can prevent dehydration by hydrating, dumbass.

• Throw away used tissues instead of shoving them back in the tissue box.

• When you call in sick to work, emphasize that you’re “really” sick this time.

• Introduce a good probiotic with a minimum 14 billion live organisms (make sure that you count them out yourself; 13.9 billion live organisms is just a waste of everybody’s time). 


• Since influenza infects your respiratory, or breathing, system, you shouldn’t blame the flu if you get nausea, vomiting or diarrhea. You can blame that on my cooking.

• When you begin exhibiting flu-like symptoms, start taking medicine-like medicine.