More Health Tips for Pregnant Ladies

• Don’t run a marathon after your water breaks.

• Though it sounds like it would be a time-saver, don’t take a month full of pre-natal vitamins at one time.

• Don't smoke or allow yourself to be exposed to secondhand, thirdhand or fourthhand smoke (a little fifthhand smoke never hurt anybody).

• DHA deficiency is very common and it is critical that pregnant women get adequate fish oils so that their baby can develop healthy and optimal brain tissue, so make sure you get plenty of oily fish in your diet.

• Pesticides on food is not healthy for your unborn child, so resist the urge to spray a bunch of pesticides on your food before eating.

• Adequate folic acid early in a baby's development helps prevent neurological defects such as spina bifida, which is apparently a real thing and not an 80’s hair band.

• Avoid sugar-free junk foods and junk-free sugar foods.

• If you’re planning to breast-feed, do not get the face of a scary monster tattooed on your boob.

Health Tips for Pregnant Ladies

• It takes about 55,000 total extra calories to make a healthy baby, so a couple of trips to McDonald’s ought to take care of it.

• Calcium is very important so make sure to get plenty of low-fat/ nonfat milk, fortified soymilk or Milky Way bars in your diet.

• All fish contains mercury, a toxic metal that can cause serious nervous system damage, so whatever you do, don’t go fishing!

• Focus on iron-rich foods, such as iron casserole, chicken-fried iron or iron rings.

• It’s okay to drink alcohol while pregnant, just as long as you don’t mind a few irreversible birth defects.

• This isn’t the time to experiment with crazy, unbalanced diets. Wait until the baby is born to try that new “Donut and Dishwater” diet.

• You should definitely not smoke during pregnancy; however, if you insist on smoking, smoke one of those long Lord of the Rings pipes because I think that would be kind of funny.

• Eat foods high in folic acid but avoid foods high in regular acid.

• If your water breaks, that's a sign that it's time to leave the blackjack table (unless you're really on a hot streak).

• Do not partake in anything that can raise your body temperature too high, such as hot tubs, saunas or watching me dance around the living room in my little cowboy outfit.