Good Health for Cheapskates

• You can make your own crockpot by crocking up a regular pot.

• Instead of joining an expensive fitness center, why not just use the exercise equipment at Sears until the security guard asks you to leave?

• Can’t afford a personal trainer? Try using a puppet that you make shriek at yourself to do more sit-ups.

• Don't be afraid of frozen fruits and vegetables; yes, there’s a chance you could get trapped in the freezer case while reaching for the that bag of green beans, but the likelihood is slim.

• You can make your own Cheeto’s by mixing a little enriched corn meal, vegetable oil whey, salt, cheddar cheese, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, maltodextrin, disodium phosphate, sour cream, artificial flavor, monosodium glutamate, lactic acid, artificial colors (including yellow 6) and citric acid.

• Greek yogurt too expensive? Try regular yogurt with a few Greek olives in it.

• Don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry or have a lot of money.

• You can make your own weights by getting a stick and attaching an equal amount of some sort of weight on each end.

Healthy Living for Pennies a Day

• Making your own sushi is much cheaper than going out, and you can do it with items you probably already have around the house, such as a sushi mat, sushi vinegar, sushi rice, sushi seaweed and a sushi chef.

• You can make your own “100-calorie packs” by putting 100 calories worth of any food into a plastic bag, dumbass.

• Only eat processed foods if you process them yourself.

• One way to spend a smaller percentage of your income on food is by getting a job where you make more money.

• When you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, remember to wear your coat with Ziploc bags sewn into the inner lining.

• One way to get easy access to fresh vegetables is to marry a farmer.

• You can get free eggs and free milk if you can figure out some way to breed a cow with a chicken.

• Want a free membership to a fitness center? All you have to do is invent a shrink ray to make yourself too tiny to be seen.

• Organic bananas are much more expensive than the regular kind, unless you change the sticker on them like I do.

• You can make your own juicer using a hammer and… well, I guess that’s really all you need.

• Why spend money on expensive health books and magazines when I provide world-class nutrition and fitness information right chere?

THE DAILY SCALEY

 Starting to really hate weighing every day because

 it makes me really exercise and watch what I eat and... oh wait...