Tuesday, June 1, 2010

C25K? No! JSC25K? Oh, Hell Yeah!

Now that I’m wrapping up the C25K program, I feel like I have the experience and wherewithal to go ahead and vastly improve on the popular (yet deeply flawed) program.

For the initiated, C25K stands for “Couch to 5K,” and by that it means that the participant is shot from a cannon from the sofa out onto the cold, mean streets with little preparation or warning.

I had been undertaking nearly an hour a day of strenuous cardio for a year leading up to my first C25K run and the program nearly polished me off nonetheless. A beginner program this most definitely ain’t.

Yet clearly that’s the intention. The name itself suggests an easy transition, a step-by-step progression from sloth to sprint. No wonder so many folks can’t complete the entire program…

That’s what led me to develop my own JSC25K program. Besides 50% more “couchiness,” it includes features to keep you interested and useful tweets you can tweet to let people know how much more awesome you are than they are and wraps the whole ordeal up in half the time of your regular C25K.

WEEK 1 DAY 1
Stretch for two minutes. Nap on sofa for 15 minutes. Scratch for one minute.
TWEET: Heads up, bitches! Just completed Week 1 - Day 1 of #JSC25K
(and I’m sorry I called you all “bitches”).

WEEK 1 DAY 2
You’re doing great! Stretch for one minute. Walk some of the way down the driveway. Stifle two sneezes.
TWEET: I very well may be our generation’s greatest hero. Just completed Week 1 - Day 2 of #JSC25K

WEEK 1 DAY 3
Quit stretching. You’re stretchy enough now. Walk for two minutes. Start to run but pretend you hurt yourself. Limp home.
TWEET: Jack Sh*t sure knows his sh*t. Just completed Week 1 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 1
Celebrate completion of Week 1 with “rest day” and a can of frosting.
TWEET: Whew! It just gets tougher and tougher. Just completed Week 2 - Day 1 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 2
Okay, we’ve put this off for long enough. Walk for 10 seconds. Run for 10 seconds. Walk for ten seconds.
TWEET: This sh*t just got serious! Just completed Week 2 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 3
Walk 30 seconds. Skip for 15 seconds. Run for 15 seconds. Walk for 10 seconds. Run for 15 more seconds. Waitaminute… I didn’t say “Simon Says”…
TWEET: This is harder than childbirth. Just completed Week 2 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 1
Walk 3 minutes. Run 3 minutes. Go get a haircut.
TWEET: Just a little off the top, please. Just completed Week 3 - Day 1 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 2
Walk 3 minutes. Run 4 minutes. Walk 1 minute. Run 1 minute making that sound like the Six Million Man made while running. Walk 1 minute.
TWEET: I’m runnin’ my damn legs off. Just completed Week 3 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 3
Walk four minutes. Run ‘til you puke. Cool-down walk until you’ve cooled down.
TWEET: Not sure if this was a mistake or just a bad idea. Just completed Week 3 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 4 DAY 1
Warm-up walk for five minutes. Shoplift one box of Pop-Tarts®. Run until security guard gets tired and quits chasing you. Cool down walk for five minutes.
TWEET: Dammit! I grabbed the unfrosted ones! Just completed Week 4 - Day 1 of #JSC25K

WEEK 4 DAY 2
Do cool-down walk first, then warm-up walk, then run around in tight little circles until you fall down from dizziness. Keep pumping your legs for 10 minutes.
TWEET: I thought C25K was bad, but this is ridiculous. Just completed Week 4 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 4 DAY 3
Run 5K.
TWEET: 5K! That’s right, bitches! Just completed Week 4 - Day 3 of #JSC25K (sorry about the B-word again, but I’m just so excited!)

Congratulations! You completed JSC25K without dying! You are now a RUNNER!



Now... can somebody please tell me how I stick this into an iPhone app and get filthy rich?

36 comments:

  1. heheheh..i lllooooove the Six Million Dollar man running sound!

    as for getting rich off of the program..not sure, but you most certainly will have a record amount of clients!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. 5K - great!!!

    I liked Six Million Dollar Man reference...I wonder how much he'd cost now?

    Maybe they should be playing that sound when Heidi Montag walks around...it seems she's trying to replace all of her parts, too!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I so want to do this .... for reals, yo!

    ReplyDelete
  4. One glaring ommission. At what point do we eat the Pop Tarts that we shoplifted on Week 4 Day 1?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wish I would have heard about this 7 weeks ago!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Excellent!! I've been waiting for this for so long! My favorite is the haircut day =)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just finished the first week of c25k. Perhaps I should switch programs...

    ReplyDelete
  8. is it ok to repeat weeks 1 and 2? It may take a while to get up to week 3...hahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pop tarts are the food of champions, but you're right...gotta have the frosted ones, with sprinkles, for full enjoyment! Either that or a half box of Coco Puffs. Or Fruit Loops. Or Capn'Crunch. Or Hostess... O damn. I'm looking at my husband's side of the cupboard again.

    Never mind. Carry on!

    Love,
    Jill

    ReplyDelete
  10. I want it to say "bitches" at the end of every tweet I send out! I'm on week 2- here's to seeing it through to the end!!!

    Alison :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm on week 9 of C25K. I would have waited for this...

    ReplyDelete
  12. I think I'm going to do an intercessory app. One that neither kills you during the training or the 5k. Or maybe I'll just keep speedwalking alone in my treadmill room.

    Yeah. I think I'll do that.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mine is faster.
    Week 1, Day 1: lie on couch.
    Week 1, Day 2: get up, get in car, drive to 5K site, sit in lawn chair and watch.

    Viola! Couch to 5K in 2 days!

    ReplyDelete
  14. very funny!
    congrats on finishing the program, and in the allotted time too!

    ReplyDelete
  15. i'll take the celebratory rest day, please.

    good one, Jack.

    ReplyDelete
  16. when is the first race Jack, wanna make sure I have enough time to get to you and cheer you on!
    Great work my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your posts make my day!!! FUNNY,FUNNY!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I resemble some of that plan on my days off!
    :-)

    Very funny! And heck, I get called bitch all the time!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think the haircut on WEEK 3 DAY 1 should be optional...:)

    ReplyDelete
  20. my whole problem with it ... running is my least favorite form of exercise. Do I have to run? Can I not dance or something instead?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Congratulations on finishing. I love your version!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh yeah, you should definitely market your improved plan. :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. "Blogging While Jogging"
    comes to mind....

    ReplyDelete
  24. hmmm....That sounds suspiciously like my every day in may last year...except I managed to snag the frosted pop tarts...
    Take THAT JACK SH*T!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Proud to be one of the "Bitches" :) Too funny

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh my gosh, you are so freakin funny!!! lol thanks for the laugh this morning!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Haha love it, that sounds like an...interesting experience. :)

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails