C25K? No! JSC25K? Oh, Hell Yeah!

Now that I’m wrapping up the C25K program, I feel like I have the experience and wherewithal to go ahead and vastly improve on the popular (yet deeply flawed) program.

For the initiated, C25K stands for “Couch to 5K,” and by that it means that the participant is shot from a cannon from the sofa out onto the cold, mean streets with little preparation or warning.

I had been undertaking nearly an hour a day of strenuous cardio for a year leading up to my first C25K run and the program nearly polished me off nonetheless. A beginner program this most definitely ain’t.

Yet clearly that’s the intention. The name itself suggests an easy transition, a step-by-step progression from sloth to sprint. No wonder so many folks can’t complete the entire program…

That’s what led me to develop my own JSC25K program. Besides 50% more “couchiness,” it includes features to keep you interested and useful tweets you can tweet to let people know how much more awesome you are than they are and wraps the whole ordeal up in half the time of your regular C25K.

WEEK 1 DAY 1
Stretch for two minutes. Nap on sofa for 15 minutes. Scratch for one minute.
TWEET: Heads up, bitches! Just completed Week 1 - Day 1 of #JSC25K
(and I’m sorry I called you all “bitches”).

WEEK 1 DAY 2
You’re doing great! Stretch for one minute. Walk some of the way down the driveway. Stifle two sneezes.
TWEET: I very well may be our generation’s greatest hero. Just completed Week 1 - Day 2 of #JSC25K

WEEK 1 DAY 3
Quit stretching. You’re stretchy enough now. Walk for two minutes. Start to run but pretend you hurt yourself. Limp home.
TWEET: Jack Sh*t sure knows his sh*t. Just completed Week 1 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 1
Celebrate completion of Week 1 with “rest day” and a can of frosting.
TWEET: Whew! It just gets tougher and tougher. Just completed Week 2 - Day 1 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 2
Okay, we’ve put this off for long enough. Walk for 10 seconds. Run for 10 seconds. Walk for ten seconds.
TWEET: This sh*t just got serious! Just completed Week 2 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 3
Walk 30 seconds. Skip for 15 seconds. Run for 15 seconds. Walk for 10 seconds. Run for 15 more seconds. Waitaminute… I didn’t say “Simon Says”…
TWEET: This is harder than childbirth. Just completed Week 2 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 1
Walk 3 minutes. Run 3 minutes. Go get a haircut.
TWEET: Just a little off the top, please. Just completed Week 3 - Day 1 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 2
Walk 3 minutes. Run 4 minutes. Walk 1 minute. Run 1 minute making that sound like the Six Million Man made while running. Walk 1 minute.
TWEET: I’m runnin’ my damn legs off. Just completed Week 3 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 3
Walk four minutes. Run ‘til you puke. Cool-down walk until you’ve cooled down.
TWEET: Not sure if this was a mistake or just a bad idea. Just completed Week 3 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 4 DAY 1
Warm-up walk for five minutes. Shoplift one box of Pop-Tarts®. Run until security guard gets tired and quits chasing you. Cool down walk for five minutes.
TWEET: Dammit! I grabbed the unfrosted ones! Just completed Week 4 - Day 1 of #JSC25K

WEEK 4 DAY 2
Do cool-down walk first, then warm-up walk, then run around in tight little circles until you fall down from dizziness. Keep pumping your legs for 10 minutes.
TWEET: I thought C25K was bad, but this is ridiculous. Just completed Week 4 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 4 DAY 3
Run 5K.
TWEET: 5K! That’s right, bitches! Just completed Week 4 - Day 3 of #JSC25K (sorry about the B-word again, but I’m just so excited!)

Congratulations! You completed JSC25K without dying! You are now a RUNNER!



Now... can somebody please tell me how I stick this into an iPhone app and get filthy rich?