Run, Jack, Run

I am a runner at heart.

I run from my problems, run from responsibilities, run from household chores, run from the IRS, run from people whom I owe money, run from telemarketers… it seems I spend half my life on the run.

Maybe that’s why I embraced this whole C25K ("Couch to 5K") business. The weather was turning Springy and the thought of squirreling myself away in the gym had lost its appeal. I want to be outside, and that means either yardwork (my wife Anita’s suggestion) or C25K.

Faulkner said “between grief and nothing, I will take grief.” Jack Sh*t said “between yardwork and running, I will take running.”

So if you’re just beginning your running program, I’m here to give you the benefit of my 20 minutes of experience with C25K…

• Invest in a heavy-duty bra (that goes for you ladies, too).

• While not entirely necessary, nothing looks cooler than a Superman cape while you’re running.

• If you can’t afford good running shoes, it’s okay to simply wrap your bare feet with duct tape.

• If you’re looking to increase your speed, it helps to have a mean dog chase you.

• If you’re going to have a heart attack while running, try to do it where there’s a neighbor out raking leaves so that he or she can call 911 quickly.

• It helps if you’re as light as possible when you run so before you start, send me all the cash out of your wallet.

• If a little old lady passes you, you will feel the urge to run up and trip her from behind. Try to fight off this urge long enough to look around and check for witnesses.

• Pretend you’re in the movie Groundhog Day and repeat Day One over and over and over until you really feel like you’ve got it or you fall in love with a supermodel.

• Don’t run if it’s rainy, or looks like rain, or if there’s a chance of rain, or if it’s too sunny, too cloudy or too plain-looking.

• Always put one foot in front of the other; never put one foot in front of the same foot!

Enjoy your C25K experience and remember my motto: “It’s not how you start, or how you finish… it’s more about the middle part” (okay, I’m no better at motto-making than I am at running).

Reviewing the Running Programs

Many of you are running, some of you are thinking about running and others are simply thinking about “thinking about running.”

Maybe you don’t have the right shoes. I thought that there was really no difference in what you wore on your feet, but I was slipping and sliding all over the place when I jogged in my penny loafers.

Maybe you’re worried about the fact that running down the street is the equivalent of a blacksmith repeatedly pounding on your knees with a mallet.

Maybe you don’t have “a runner’s mindset,” which I define as “having something seriously wrong with you.”

Maybe you’re confused about the various running programs out there to help you build up your running muscles. I can’t do anything about your footwear, kneebones or prescribing you something that will allow you to experience the elusive “runner’s high,” but I can explain the nuances of the different running programs out there so that you can make an informed choice about what’s best for you.

 I’m sure you’re familiar with C25K (Couch to 5K). It’s the standard program that most runners use to get their running “on track” (that’s a little running humor, no extra charge). It starts you off walking some and running a little, followed by walking a little and running some, followed by walking a bit, running a lot, followed by walk, run, run, walk, run, run some more… until finally you’re dazed, confused and running 5K at a time.

Next on our list is C25K, which is spelled the same but pronounced “Couch to 25K”. Be careful not to get the two confused.


Fading in popularity due to a weak economy, the C2401K program is designed to benefit you “farther down the road”. *

If you’re strapped for time, the C2.5K (“Couch to .5K”) program can be completed during a television commercial.

The C25KKK is… okay, better to just “skip” over that one.

The C2Y2K was all the rage a decade or so ago, but you don’t hear much about it anymore.

The C25KN22, popularized by the marvelous MizFit, requires you to run in a tutu.

With the C25KO program, a professional boxer comes over and punches you in the gut whenever you stop running.

The C2K-Mart program isn’t really that good, but for the next fifteen minutes, it’s 25% off.

The 5K2C program (which I actually invented and did over the last few months) is noteworthy because it starts you off running 5K and eases you back down to sitting around on the sofa.

Whatever program you use, just remember: it’s all about putting one foot in front of the other (putting one foot in front of the same foot is considered bad form).

*More running humor

Speaking of running, don’t forget to get out this Sunday and run yourself a 5K like my buddy Kelly and I are doing. Kelly’s doing it for a good cause, and I’m doing it because I’m a sucker for a good cause.

C25K? No! JSC25K? Oh, Hell Yeah!

Now that I’m wrapping up the C25K program, I feel like I have the experience and wherewithal to go ahead and vastly improve on the popular (yet deeply flawed) program.

For the initiated, C25K stands for “Couch to 5K,” and by that it means that the participant is shot from a cannon from the sofa out onto the cold, mean streets with little preparation or warning.

I had been undertaking nearly an hour a day of strenuous cardio for a year leading up to my first C25K run and the program nearly polished me off nonetheless. A beginner program this most definitely ain’t.

Yet clearly that’s the intention. The name itself suggests an easy transition, a step-by-step progression from sloth to sprint. No wonder so many folks can’t complete the entire program…

That’s what led me to develop my own JSC25K program. Besides 50% more “couchiness,” it includes features to keep you interested and useful tweets you can tweet to let people know how much more awesome you are than they are and wraps the whole ordeal up in half the time of your regular C25K.

WEEK 1 DAY 1
Stretch for two minutes. Nap on sofa for 15 minutes. Scratch for one minute.
TWEET: Heads up, bitches! Just completed Week 1 - Day 1 of #JSC25K
(and I’m sorry I called you all “bitches”).

WEEK 1 DAY 2
You’re doing great! Stretch for one minute. Walk some of the way down the driveway. Stifle two sneezes.
TWEET: I very well may be our generation’s greatest hero. Just completed Week 1 - Day 2 of #JSC25K

WEEK 1 DAY 3
Quit stretching. You’re stretchy enough now. Walk for two minutes. Start to run but pretend you hurt yourself. Limp home.
TWEET: Jack Sh*t sure knows his sh*t. Just completed Week 1 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 1
Celebrate completion of Week 1 with “rest day” and a can of frosting.
TWEET: Whew! It just gets tougher and tougher. Just completed Week 2 - Day 1 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 2
Okay, we’ve put this off for long enough. Walk for 10 seconds. Run for 10 seconds. Walk for ten seconds.
TWEET: This sh*t just got serious! Just completed Week 2 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 2 DAY 3
Walk 30 seconds. Skip for 15 seconds. Run for 15 seconds. Walk for 10 seconds. Run for 15 more seconds. Waitaminute… I didn’t say “Simon Says”…
TWEET: This is harder than childbirth. Just completed Week 2 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 1
Walk 3 minutes. Run 3 minutes. Go get a haircut.
TWEET: Just a little off the top, please. Just completed Week 3 - Day 1 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 2
Walk 3 minutes. Run 4 minutes. Walk 1 minute. Run 1 minute making that sound like the Six Million Man made while running. Walk 1 minute.
TWEET: I’m runnin’ my damn legs off. Just completed Week 3 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 3 DAY 3
Walk four minutes. Run ‘til you puke. Cool-down walk until you’ve cooled down.
TWEET: Not sure if this was a mistake or just a bad idea. Just completed Week 3 - Day 3 of #JSC25K


WEEK 4 DAY 1
Warm-up walk for five minutes. Shoplift one box of Pop-Tarts®. Run until security guard gets tired and quits chasing you. Cool down walk for five minutes.
TWEET: Dammit! I grabbed the unfrosted ones! Just completed Week 4 - Day 1 of #JSC25K

WEEK 4 DAY 2
Do cool-down walk first, then warm-up walk, then run around in tight little circles until you fall down from dizziness. Keep pumping your legs for 10 minutes.
TWEET: I thought C25K was bad, but this is ridiculous. Just completed Week 4 - Day 2 of #JSC25K


WEEK 4 DAY 3
Run 5K.
TWEET: 5K! That’s right, bitches! Just completed Week 4 - Day 3 of #JSC25K (sorry about the B-word again, but I’m just so excited!)

Congratulations! You completed JSC25K without dying! You are now a RUNNER!



Now... can somebody please tell me how I stick this into an iPhone app and get filthy rich?

No Stopping Me Now on C25K

There is a picture that I’ve seen on the ol’ internet of this very uncomfortable looking runner dude who looks to be participating in a marathon. Why the pained expression on his mug? Because he seems to have had a big accident resulting in a nasty mess running down his legs.

I know, I know. Gross, gross, gross. But I thought about that snapshot the other day as I was in the middle of my 28-minute run (C25K Week 8 Day 1). When I saw that picture before, it never occurred to me that somebody that… erm… had to go… wouldn’t just stop what he was doing and go.

As I loped along, I felt an uncomfortable loosening feeling in my guts, then a rumbling deep inside and the mental image of that embarrassed marathoner burned a hole in my brain.

“Oh, crap!” I thought, and my body seemed to be trying to respond in kind.

I concentrated on the song that was blasting out of my iPod, stared off in the distance, trying to distract myself from my uncomfortableness. The halfway mark came and went, and suddenly it became of imperative importance that I finish this run. I’d invested too much time, too much sweat, too much effort. To quit now would be just too much…

As I passed the twenty minute mark, I knew that I was now in unchartered waters, running for longer than I’d ever run, thought about running or even wanted to run. Now I was really past the point of no return; there was simply no way I was shutting it down.

In a way, it was almost a blessing to have something else to worry about rather than if I could actually run for half an hour or if I was going to drop down dead somewhere in the middle of it. As the minutes and seconds ticked down, I realized that I was actually going to complete the run and not soil my undergarments. Two accomplishments for the price of one.

I’m sure I’ll come across that photo on the internet again someday, only this time I won’t snicker at my fellow runner’s predicament.

Because there but for the grace of God go (number two) I.

20 Minutes of Hell… A C25K Love Story

There are runners, and there are non-runners and somewhere in that monumental chasm that exists between the two, are those few of us who are attempting to bridge the gap.

We are not runners, but we are staggering and stumbling along the best we can. We are those people you see when you’re driving along the street, and you think “Oh lord, she shouldn’t be trying to do that” or “I’d better call 9-1-1; he’s not going to make it much farther.”

As I’ve noted here before, I’m using C25K (Couch to 5K) to get my run on. There are a lot of flaws in the program–which is why I’m hard at work developing a JSC25K (Jack Sh*t Couch to 5K) program–but I give it a lot of credit for getting me on the road to being a runner.

I haven’t done the research because… well, due to highly technical reasons (I’m lazy), but I suspect that Week Five, Day Three is the jumping off point for a lot of people who attempt C25K.

It asks you to run 20 minutes, thank you very much.

20 minutes.

I know you marathoners and half-marathoners are chuckling at that, but to us half- half- half- half- half- half-marathoners, twenty minutes sounds like a death sentence.

My running buddy MrsFatsss wrote a very eloquent post about her experience battling the 20-minute barrier. I was going to do something similar, but when I went back to my office and looked at my notes from immediately after completing the session, I found that it was nothing but a string of obscenities and vehement pleas for somebody to “kill me, just kill me.”

Had you told me six weeks ago that I’d be running for twenty minutes at a time, I’d have laughed in your face. Now I’m learning to love the challenge of the open road, the thrill of that last thirty seconds of running, the satisfaction of a hard task completed.

And here’s the craziest thing of all…

I was walking into my gym the other morning and there was a table set up to sign people up for an upcoming 5K race.

No, I didn’t sign up… but I did actually think about signing up for a moment, which marks a huge leap in my running narrative. Up until now, 5K race sign-ups were completely invisible to me, simply weren’t showing up on my radar. I imagine they must have been taking place, but I never actually saw it happening.

I suppose it’s like when you buy a certain kind of automobile and then suddenly start seeing that same make all over town.

I didn’t sign up for that race, but I suspect there’s a 5K somewhere in my future.

x

Running Buddy

I wouldn’t mind running with somebody under the following circumstances…

• They couldn’t be too fast.
  
  
• They couldn’t be too slow.
  
  
• They couldn’t talk too much.
  
  
• They couldn’t just be completely silent.
  
  
• They couldn’t have perfect form and make me look bad.
  
  
• They couldn’t annoy me.
  
  
• They couldn’t look like somebody else that annoys me.
  
  
• They couldn’t chide me when I say weird things to people in my neighborhood.
  
  
• They couldn’t get mad if I blogged about how stupid they look in their stupid little running outfit.
  
  
• They couldn’t refuse to buy me a lemonade if we come up to a kids’ lemonade stand.
  
  
• They couldn’t NOT laugh at my hilarious jokes.

Maybe I’m too picky, but so far I haven’t found anybody that fits the bill for a running buddy.

Check that… there’s Sue, or as she’s more commonly known, MrsFatass (maiden name: Lardass).

She’s a few states over from me, but I suppose I consider her a running buddy. She’s been on this C25K (Couch to 5K) kick for just twenty minutes longer than I have, and was actually one of the people who finally convinced me to lace ‘em up and hit the road.

I saw her tweet the other day that she wanted to slow down and repeat one of the week’s runs (they get progressively harder as you move up the program), but she was continuing on because she knew Jack Sh*t was on her tail.

I felt the same way during my last outing, a trio of five minute dashes with a couple of walking jaunts in between. During the first 5-minute run, I took off at a pretty good pace, trying to quickly get back to that “runner’s nirvana” spot that I’d discovered on my previous run.

What I discovered this time was that my lungs felt like they were about to turn inside-out. I was looking for that blissful, all-is-well peace of mind that I’d stumbled on last go-round and instead felt myself entering “Quick! What’s the number for 9-1-1?” territory.

I seriously thought about stopping, about ratcheting this C25K thing back and maybe repeating the previous week. “Been there, run that” sounded pretty damned good to me right at that moment.

Then I heard my running buddy trash-talk me from the back of my head.

“Oh, Jack! What’s the matter? Is your running skirt too tight?”

Why am I so certain that she would have teased and taunted me? Because I would have teased and taunted her. We’re running buddies after all.

So I sucked it up and kept putting one foot in front of the other, kept grunting and groaning, kept loping along like a sick mule until finally… blessedly… it was over.

So, thanks Sue. We may not run together, but we’re on the same road.

x

Running Scared

Those who have traveled the C25K road before me had me fearing the arrival of Week Four. “Oh, it’s gonna kick your ass!” was one of the helpful comments I received, so it was with a little trepidation that I laced up my running shoes and started down the driveway.

For those of you fortunate enough to have never heard of C25K, it stands for “Couch to 5K” and its aim is to gently push you into the cardio equivalent of a wood chipper.

As I’ve previously stated, I’m hard at work developing a “Jack Sh*t C25K” program that, besides incorporating a much higher degree of “couchiness,” will also add some much-needed enhancements such as stopping at random houses and asking to borrow a sno-cone.

Week Four had me running for three minutes (without stopping), provided me a walking “rest time” of approximately a pica-second, and then commanded me to take off running again. FOR. FIVE. MINUTES.

I’d been dreading this extended interval, but once I was into it, a funny thing happened…

I got lost.

Not lost like during my first run when I just ran willy-nilly through the neighborhood and wound up having to call a cab to take me home.

No, I got lost in the running. In the simple rhythm of soles slapping asphalt. Got lost in a bunch of tissues and tendons working in tandem to do something it couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do thirty days ago. Lost in a good way… possibly the best way.

Then my iPhone app’s voice told me to stop, told me we were in the cool-down phase of this session.

Understand this about me and running: up until now, I’ve been a clock-watcher as I pounded the pavement. If I had to run for a minute, I’d check the clock at 50 seconds… and again at 45 seconds… and etc, etc.

But today the end came without watching, without warning, and I kept running just because… well, just because…

I have been warned that this running thing can get in your blood.

I have heard it said that it will make you test your faith in yourself.

I was told I’ll learn to love it.

Now I’m really scared.

Scared it could be true.

Fast Forward Through C25K Week Three

“I always loved running... it was something you could
do by yourself, and under your own power.
You could go in any direction,
fast or slow as you wanted,
fighting the wind if you felt like it,
seeking out new sights just
on the strength of your feet
and the courage of your lungs.”
~Jesse Owens

I can’t say that I’ve embraced running to that degree, but it’s growing on me. Of course, I have to remind myself that I’m currently on a round of Lamisil for a fungus that’s growing on me.

As the running portions of this program expand, I’m having to rethink my approach. In previous weeks, I’ve just run when the voice on my little iPhone app says run and walked when the voice says walk. Now it seems more like I need a strategy for survival.

Up until now, I’ve just listened to whatever items come up on my iPod, whether it’s a Spanish lullabye, Rush Limbaugh podcast or zydeco dance tunes. Now it seems I need to get more calculating with my music choices.

I thought the theme song from “Rocky” would be a smart choice, but I wound up punching my neighbor in the neck and then shaking my hands above my head and celebrating.

Then I tried Kanye West’s “Stronger”, an upbeat hip-hop standard, but I picked an edited version and I kept stopping to see if I could work out what the missing dirty words were.

I flipped over to something from “A Chorus Line” but me doing high-kicks wrecked havoc with my running form.

Finally, I hit on my perfect running song...

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man,
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
I'm strong to the finich
Cause I eats me spinach.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

I'm one tough Gazookus
Which hates all Palookas
Wot ain't on the up and square.
I biffs 'em and buffs 'em
And always out roughs 'em
But none of 'em gets nowhere.

If anyone dares to risk my "Fisk",
It's "Boff" an' it's "Wham" un'erstan'?
So keep "Good Be-hav-or"
That's your one life saver
With Popeye the Sailor Man.

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man,
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
I'm strong to the finich
Cause I eats me spinach.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

Strong to the finish... you see, that really speaks to me. I'm going to keep going, keep pushing myself, keep heading for unchartered waters. Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper once said "A ship in port is safe... but that's not what ship's are built for."

We were built to go, built to move.

Built to run.

Now if I could just find me some spinach-flavored gum…

Help me bolster my "run for it" playlist. What songs make it easier for you to pick 'em up and put 'em down? What tracks keep you on the track longer?

The C25K Kid Rides Again

Technically, that’s not true… the “riding” part anyway. It was more like… well… it was kind of like running. Actually, it was almost exactly like running.

I was a little discombobulated as I got ready to begin week two of C25K. I punched up my iPhone app and got going, feeling good and strong. A few minutes later, I realized that I’d actually launched a Texas Hold ‘Em app and I’d lost $3,000. Oh well, easy come and easy go.

Speaking of easy go, I hate to admit it, but the second leg of this nonsense actually seemed easier than the previous outings. The running portion extended out to 90 seconds, which didn’t seem too much worse than the one-minute torture tracks of last week.

But the two-minute breaks in between runs? Fan-walking-tastic!

Plus, my 11-year-old daughter Pisa took her bike out to keep me company. She thought it was hee-larious to wait until I took off running and then scream past me, laughing like a banshee.

Running along behind her takes me back a year and a half or so when I was teaching her to ride her bicycle. She was late to the party, and that kid just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it.

She and I finally decided one weekend that it was time to do this thing. We’d tried a before, and Pisa just had trouble fully committing to the idea that she wouldn’t crash and burn if she kept pedaling. She’d get going good, then freak completely out (sort of like me on a dance floor).

We finally hit on the idea of me running behind her, holding on to the back of her seat to keep her steady. She was gold as long as she knew I was holding her up. Yes, I had become human training wheels.

Finally, I just let go and kept running with her, hands off the seat but yelling “I’m holding on! I’m holding on!” I quit running only when I simply couldn’t keep up anymore. She figured out I wasn't holding on, and immediately crashed and burned. However, she realized that she'd actually gone 20 feet on her own, and that accomplishment spurred her on to new heights that day. A half hour later, she was riding like a pro.

We raced by that spot on our C25K jaunt the other day, and I had to smile… and keep running.

Observations from C25K Day Two

Recently, I decided to take advantage of the springtime weather and move the cardio portion of my workout outdoors. My choices were yardwork (my wife Anita’s idea) or C25K.

In case you’re abbreviationtionally challenged, C25K stands for “Couch to 5K” and it’s supposed to be a good program that allows you to work your way up to running 5K while improving your ability to mutter profanities under your breath and almost die.

In order to make it a little more idiot-proof, I downloaded an iPhone app to yell at me what to do. This time, I went to my gym’s indoor track because I didn’t know what I was doing last time and wound up running to the next town over and having to take a cab back.

I don’t know if it was any easier on Day Two, but at least I took notes immediately afterwards so I could share my findings with you…

• I’m no physician, but I’m thinking this phenomenon I call “Burny Lung” can’t be a good thing.
  
  
• Ditto “Hurty Foot”.
  
  
• Memo to self: the amount that you impressed other runners by concentrating on your “perfect form” was probably offset by how hard you crashed into that wall.
  
  
• It’s been a while since you went to the mall to see if they sell “rocket shoes”. Maybe somebody’s invented them by now…
  
  
• Still searching for the “runner’s high” experienced trailblazers speak of. As of now, all I’ve felt is a “runner’s low”, “runner’s medium” and “runner’s crying jag”.
  
  
• If that little old lady passes me again, I’m so gonna trip her.
  
  
• In the JSC2K program that I’m totally developing once I’ve completed the traditional C2K, there’s going to be much more “couchiness” and we’re going to put longer intervals between the runs (say… two months).
  
  

But I’m still on track, still putting one foot in front of the other no matter how little of a thrill it gives me.

When I’m on an elliptical or bike, my mind likes to wander to far-off places. I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner or maybe the next blog post I’m going to write and I feel like I’m multi-tasking and getting stuff done.

When I’m running on my little C25K program, all I’m thinking about is how that famous jogger dude dropped dead.

From jogging.

x