Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Run, Jack, Run

I am a runner at heart.

I run from my problems, run from responsibilities, run from household chores, run from the IRS, run from people whom I owe money, run from telemarketers… it seems I spend half my life on the run.

Maybe that’s why I embraced this whole C25K ("Couch to 5K") business. The weather was turning Springy and the thought of squirreling myself away in the gym had lost its appeal. I want to be outside, and that means either yardwork (my wife Anita’s suggestion) or C25K.

Faulkner said “between grief and nothing, I will take grief.” Jack Sh*t said “between yardwork and running, I will take running.”

So if you’re just beginning your running program, I’m here to give you the benefit of my 20 minutes of experience with C25K…

• Invest in a heavy-duty bra (that goes for you ladies, too).

• While not entirely necessary, nothing looks cooler than a Superman cape while you’re running.

• If you can’t afford good running shoes, it’s okay to simply wrap your bare feet with duct tape.

• If you’re looking to increase your speed, it helps to have a mean dog chase you.

• If you’re going to have a heart attack while running, try to do it where there’s a neighbor out raking leaves so that he or she can call 911 quickly.

• It helps if you’re as light as possible when you run so before you start, send me all the cash out of your wallet.

• If a little old lady passes you, you will feel the urge to run up and trip her from behind. Try to fight off this urge long enough to look around and check for witnesses.

• Pretend you’re in the movie Groundhog Day and repeat Day One over and over and over until you really feel like you’ve got it or you fall in love with a supermodel.

• Don’t run if it’s rainy, or looks like rain, or if there’s a chance of rain, or if it’s too sunny, too cloudy or too plain-looking.

• Always put one foot in front of the other; never put one foot in front of the same foot!

Enjoy your C25K experience and remember my motto: “It’s not how you start, or how you finish… it’s more about the middle part” (okay, I’m no better at motto-making than I am at running).


  1. Ha ha ha Jack that is so funny - I have to go back to week 5 of C25K as I can build myself up. I love this one: Don’t run if it’s rainy, or looks like rain, or if there’s a chance of rain, or if it’s too sunny, too cloudy or too plain-looking. That is my current problem.

  2. Ahhh...nobody makes me laugh like you do Jack. Thanks for starting my day off right. :)

  3. OMG, I am about to start C25K. You are scaring me!! But I do like the idea of not running if there is a chance of rain! I live in Melbourne, Australia. If you don't like the weather, just wait a minute. :-)
    ...This is not a good start!!!

  4. Duct tape is so much cheaper than my Asics....great idea!

  5. LOL. Too funny. Enjoy the C25K. I did that program 2 years ago and it felt amazing to progress. Once my back is all healed up I may be joining you!

  6. My tip for running a better 5K. One word: velociraptors

  7. I actually had to duct tape my feet to keep my blisters covered on day 3 of my first 3-day. It comes in all kinds of fun colors and patterns now. You could be on to something...

  8. I sort of did a Gump start to my running career. I got up one day and felt like running, so I did.
    For about three feet.
    Then I had a stroke.
    But I felt like running the next day too (go figure) and now I can do three miles in about 40 minutes and I'm working toward a marathon on my 30th birthday.
    thanks for the laugh Jack!

  9. Superman cape for sure!!! And some red tights...thats my vote!

  10. Okay. I'm getting a cape. I love that idea. I look like the biggest dork anyway (with my reflective vest, flashlight and pepper spray) clearly I need another accessory to make myself more visable and THAT is going to be it.

  11. Yaaayy for running! That is all.



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