Monday, May 23, 2011

The Raven-ous

At the Fitbloggin panel where I was a guest speaking this past weekend, the question was asked "Did you ever have a post that you were particularly proud of that didn't get the reaction you thought it would?" This is that post; at the time, just a few weeks into my blogging start, I didn't yet realize that Saturdays were where blogs go to die. I spent a lot of time on this post and was really proud, and then 14 saw it. I promised I'd re-run it today to the folks who attended, so here she be...

Once upon a morning fleeting, I was pondering what I was eating,
Logging in my early meal’s caloric score
I was finally able to finagle, how many carbs were in that bagel,
When suddenly there came a rapping, rapping on my kitchen door.
“'Tis my wife,” I softly muttered. “Returning from the grocery store.
Only this, and nothing more.”

I put down my bread (unbuttered), “Honey, is that you?” I uttered,
“Do you need some help with the groceries that you purchased at the store?”
Then a awful chill shot through me, when it suddenly came to me
That this rapping wasn’t from my spouse returning from the store.
In the window was the blackest, fattest bird I’ve seen before,
And he chirped out: “Eat some more.”

I gazed down at my morning spread, which had not left me well-fed.
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I’m on a diet, (and it appears that you should try it),
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my kitchen door.
Are you some mysterious beast that came from mythological lore?”
Quoth the raven: “Eat some more.”

So I flung open the pantry wide, to find the delicious food inside,
I grabbed cookies, cakes and crackers, then I scoured the shelves for more
Pop-Tarts, pretzels filled my arms: half a box of Lucky Charms,
I laid it all out on the table, rich and tasty snacks galore.
And perched at the window, just beside the kitchen door,
Laughed the raven: “Eat some more.”

Then this ebony bird beguiling (I could swear that he was smiling),
As he stared upon the table laden down with foodstuffs by the score
How did my morning meal turn into something so surreal?
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me why you want me eating, why do you put my will to war?
Quoth the raven, “Eat some more.”

Well, that devil, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Sitting patiently and waiting right beside my kitchen door;
And he wants to see me cheating, only happy when I’m eating
And he’ll always be beside me no matter how much I ignore.
But my heart and soul are stronger than they’ve ever been before
And I shall be tempted - Nevermore!

apologies to Edgar Allen Poe


  1. **laughing** as I thought Id come home and find this already up.

    you know as an english lit-er-ahhh-ture major I adored this on the initial saturday.

  2. How did I miss this? I read your posts from the beginning?! Awesomeness nonetheless!

  3. I found this (as a relatively recent follower - 3 months or so) on your website several weeks ago. I loved it then and love it now. I'm amazed by your creativity!

  4. Awesome post Jack! Wish I made it to Fitbloggin - had a ticket but waited too long to make travel arrangements and planned more vacations for later in the year so I had no days left to take off! Maybe next year!

  5. This was awesome!! I am loving your blog!! Thanks for the laughs.

  6. Okay, a) that was me that asked that question. (Woot!) And b) that was the most awesome-est post ever. Clearly your readers were all temporarily blinded when it was first posted, it's very hard to read blogs when your vision has left you. You can't really blame them for not reading it the first time.

    I'm very glad to catch it the second time 'round and see it for the awesome that it is.

  7. Definitely worth the re-run.

  8. That's a bit of brilliance right there, Jack. :)

  9. Bravo Jack. This is indeed a masterpiece.

  10. How did this get crickets the first time around? I'm in awe of your great works-altering talent. It really is a gift.
    For the record, I am NOT re-posting my bombed blog. I've suffered that post enough on da twitter... lol
    BRILLIANT WORK, Jacky boy.

  11. DubyaKid's favorite poem, I'll get her to read it tonight and see what her literary critique will be. Prepare to be slammed by an 11 year old!

  12. Wow, I can see why you were proud of this post. It's awesome.

  13. I have to say - this post is worthy of resurrection!

  14. This is brilliant.
    I also love your junk selection. I'm a big fan of Pop Tarts, and Lucky Charms will always have a special place in my heart.

  15. Ah, the Raven!!! Loved this Jack!!! Good ole Poe!

  16. This is Dubyakid:
    That was totally wicked awesome!!!! I loved it! EAP rocks! Next time you should do the poem by William Blake, Tyger. That's my second fav.

  17. Sounds like Dubyakid had initiated a challenge! I gotta agree with the kid, this was "totally wicked awesome"! So glad you resurrected it from the Saturday graveyard.

    Also, so fun to meet you and chat with you this weekend.

  18. Loving this post..I'm glad you reposted it. Damn Jack, you're clever. Of course, I already knew that which is why I sat on the front row like a brown nose kid during your panel. <3

  19. I didn't know about the Saturday thing... *concerned face*

  20. Your freaking raven is here. Take the bastard back!!

    Loved this post. Agree with the kid...tyger! tyger! burning bright....



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