Another Frank-And-Honest Discussion About You-Know-What

Like many people of my generation, I learned about sex the old-fashioned way: by spending summers on my Grandpa Noah’s farm (I accidentally walked in on my grandparents having sex… lock the damned door, Grandpa Noah!).

It recently became time to have THE TALK with my daughter Pisa, and I promised myself I wouldn’t faint like I did with my other daughters. However it tough for me and my wife Anita to get on the same page about the direction we should take...

Anita: Pisa, your dad and I think it’s time we talked to you about…
Jack: BOYS ARE ICKKY!

Anita: How do you feel about going through puberty?
Jack: I’ll buy you a pony if you promise never to date…

Anita: When a man and a woman love each other, they like to be close to one another.
Jack: Will you at least try on this chastity belt and see how it looks?


Needless to say, Anita and I have differing opinions on how this whole “birds and bees” conversation should go; she firmly believes it should be a frank and honest discussion about bodies, urges and sexual health; I firmly believe it should literally be about birds and bees.


Take this short quiz to see where you fall on the “talking to kids about you-know-what” meter…

1. Should boys and girls get the same sexual advice?
(A) No -- girls and boys have different risk factors; advice needs to address each gender specifically.
(B) Yes – just throw a copy of “Mommy Laid An Egg! or Where Do Babies Come From?” in their bedroom, slam the door and run away.
(C) Girls should get a quick and cursory explanation of the way things work; boys should get neutered.

2. If you catch your child watching a TV program that contains sexual content, you:
(A) Join your child and use this opportunity as a springboard to discuss sexual choices.
(B) Call Direct TV and order “The Abstinence Channel.”
(C) Roar like The Incredible Hulk and put a sledgehammer through the TV screen.

3. Your child is about to leave the house dressed provocatively. What do you say?
(A) “I realize that you’re influenced by what you see on TV and in movies, but that outfit crosses the line.”
(B) “Oh, hell no!”
(C)  “Since when did you start shopping at “Sluts R Us”?

4. What’s the best way to advise your teen about birth control?
(A) I explain that abstinence is the only way to have 100% safe sex, but I add that using condoms is essential if you’re going to engage in sex
(B) I get them plenty of reading material on the subject.
(C) I email them link to this post.

5. Should “oral sex” be a topic of conversation during your talk?
(A) Absolutely -- I am aware that today's young adolescents are engaging in oral sex and think that it is casual and safe
(B) No, I’m not comfortable broaching that subject with my child.
(C) Oh my sweet lord… when will this quiz be over?

6. When you mention body parts and puberty developments, do you use terms or metaphors?
(A) I call a spade a spade, a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina.
(B) “Then the daddy takes his ‘war hammer’ and places it in mommy’s ‘meat muffin’”
(C) “What do you mean you’ve never heard of ‘Rockin’ the Casbah’? The Clash? Hello? Are you the least bit familiar with the 80’s English punk music scene?”

7. If a teenager is caught having sex, what’s the best discipline tactic?
(A) The child should be firmly talked to and forbidden from making that mistake again.
(B) All proceeds from internet sales of any sex video made MUST be put in college fund.
(C) Grounded for two weeks past infinity.

8. Do you cover “all the bases” when you talk about sex?
(A) Yes, I explain that sexual activity gets more intimate and define what first base, second base, third base and the home run means
(B) No -- we are talking about sex, not baseball.
(C) I explain to them actual rules of baseball instead (including designated hitter rule).

8. What's the best way to sum up your sexual advice:
(A) Wait until you’re older and married.
(B) Wait until you’re older and in love.
(C) Wait until you’re old.

C'mon... surely you have a funny birds-and-bees story. Lay it on me...