Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Another Frank-And-Honest Discussion About You-Know-What

Like many people of my generation, I learned about sex the old-fashioned way: by spending summers on my Grandpa Noah’s farm (I accidentally walked in on my grandparents having sex… lock the damned door, Grandpa Noah!).

It recently became time to have THE TALK with my daughter Pisa, and I promised myself I wouldn’t faint like I did with my other daughters. However it tough for me and my wife Anita to get on the same page about the direction we should take...

Anita: Pisa, your dad and I think it’s time we talked to you about…

Anita: How do you feel about going through puberty?
Jack: I’ll buy you a pony if you promise never to date…

Anita: When a man and a woman love each other, they like to be close to one another.
Jack: Will you at least try on this chastity belt and see how it looks?

Needless to say, Anita and I have differing opinions on how this whole “birds and bees” conversation should go; she firmly believes it should be a frank and honest discussion about bodies, urges and sexual health; I firmly believe it should literally be about birds and bees.

Take this short quiz to see where you fall on the “talking to kids about you-know-what” meter…

1. Should boys and girls get the same sexual advice?

(A) No -- girls and boys have different risk factors; advice needs to address each gender specifically.
(B) Yes – just throw a copy of “Mommy Laid An Egg! or Where Do Babies Come From?” in their bedroom, slam the door and run away.
(C) Girls should get a quick and cursory explanation of the way things work; boys should get neutered.

2. If you catch your child watching a TV program that contains sexual content, you:
(A) Join your child and use this opportunity as a springboard to discuss sexual choices.
(B) Call Direct TV and order “The Abstinence Channel.”
(C) Roar like The Incredible Hulk and put a sledgehammer through the TV screen.

3. Your child is about to leave the house dressed provocatively. What do you say?
(A) “I realize that you’re influenced by what you see on TV and in movies, but that outfit crosses the line.
(B) “Oh, hell no!
(C)  “Since when did you start shopping at “Sluts R Us”?

4. What’s the best way to advise your teen about birth control?
(A) I explain that abstinence is the only way to have 100% safe sex, but I add that using condoms is essential if you’re going to engage in sex
(B) I get them plenty of reading material on the subject.
(C) I email them link to this post.

5. Should “oral sex” be a topic of conversation during your talk?
(A) Absolutely -- I am aware that today's young adolescents are engaging in oral sex and think that it is casual and safe
(B) No, I’m not comfortable broaching that subject with my child.
(C) Oh my sweet lord… when will this quiz be over?

6. When you mention body parts and puberty developments, do you use terms or metaphors?
(A) I call a spade a spade, a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina.
(B) “Then the daddy takes his ‘war hammer’ and places it in mommy’s ‘meat muffin’”
(C) “What do you mean you’ve never heard of ‘Rockin’ the Casbah’? The Clash? Hello? Are you the least bit familiar with the 80’s English punk music scene?”

7. If a teenager is caught having sex, what’s the best discipline tactic?
(A) The child should be firmly talked to and forbidden from making that mistake again.
(B) All proceeds from internet sales of any sex video made MUST be put in college fund.
(C) Grounded for two weeks past infinity.

8. Do you cover “all the bases” when you talk about sex?
(A) Yes, I explain that sexual activity gets more intimate and define what first base, second base, third base and the home run means
(B) No -- we are talking about sex, not baseball.
(C) I explain to them actual rules of baseball instead (including designated hitter rule).

8. What's the best way to sum up your sexual advice:

(A) Wait until you’re older and married.
(B) Wait until you’re older and in love.
(C) Wait until you’re old.

C'mon... surely you have a funny birds-and-bees story. Lay it on me...


  1. I remember the talk I had with my dad pretty clearly. He asked, "Do you read Ann Landers?" and I replied, "Sure."

    He said, "Good enough."

  2. HA HA HA! This was a subject I am not AT ALL squeamish about, and I was so ready and waiting, waiting for my son to come and ask where babies come from. I know I'm a crazy Christian, but it's a beautiful gift waiting for you on your wedding day and created by God. He's not squeamish about it!

    Anyway, the Q never came. Come to find out another kid already told him all about it, even though we homeschool and are always together! In the tubes in the Burker King Play Place... LOL!

  3. I'm English but live in Peru with my Peruvian husband so we talk different languages (literally and metaphorically). He's really shy so my children know all body parts/functions vocabulary in English but are not so familiar with the Spanish terms. My son started school a few months ago and the teachers are talking about boys and girls. My son came home a few days ago, went up to his father, whipped out his penis and said in Spanish, "That's called a penis." My husband weakly agreed and told him to pull up his pants while I pissed myself laughing until my husband asked, "How many people do you think he's shared his new knowledge with today?".

  4. LOL! You and Dubya have alot in common, my friend.

  5. Welcome to my world! I've even considered building a turret and only letting them out on the 30th birthdays.......?

  6. Sluts-R-Us!! I think that is a verrrry popular place to shop for young girls these days!!
    Honestly I think my son learned from me in very clinical terms and from his buddies at school in er, less PC terms. One thing I can remember asking when I was learning was if men had "a retractable bone down there". I just couldnt fathom how something could go from soft and squishy to uh, bigger and that much harder otherwise! LMAO!

  7. LOL! This is exactly why my hubby gets up at 4am every morning to work out. We have a couple more years...but not long. Good luck with the talk.

  8. Been there, done that. My thoughts on the answers are on my blog at length.

    Of course my youngest are now 17...

  9. Sorry Jack- No funny stories. Mom was very frank and honestly answered every question I asked. Almost too honestly, I knew way more than my class mates and I often shared things that cause thier Mom's to call my Mom and ask what the hell she was thinking. The best peice of advice Mom ever gave me was, "Look, sex is fun, that's why people want to do it. But wait until you are with someone you love and then it will be better...and don't do it in high school, boys are dumb."

  10. Be grateful you only walked in on your grandparents having sex, instead of walking ON THEM while...anyway, that can occur in fact, unfortunately, if they happen to be getting frisky out in the barn in the hay when they think no one is around and you are a teenager sneaking off to toke--in what you mistake for privacy. Not looking too close where you're walking. Sigh. Well. Gee. Thanks for the memories. Going to call my shrink now.

  11. Hahahahaha....
    I have four boys, and my "talk" consists of this:


  12. I never got the talk as a kid and wished I would have. I'm in the "be frank" catagory though. I like the Ninja's answer and how her mom handled it.

  13. Okay, this post has made me realize I am CLEARLY not mature enough to have "the talk" with a child. My little bun in the oven is just going to have to stay there until...well, I grow up a little.

    I can't even imagine having to have this talk. My mom never really had it with me. I just figured out how it all went down by talking to the slutty girls in middle school. (Don't judge, they were the ones bragging about it, not me.) :) I asked my husband once how he got the talk. I figured it would be a funny story since he has MONDO religious parents. Apparently they threw some elementary-style sex poetry book (yes, such a thing EXISTS!!) at him and ran out of the room.

    Not too long ago, they put HIM up to having the talk with his little sister (16 years younger than him). His parents were in the room and as soon as he said "penis" his mom started blushing and ran out of the room...again. Fine examples, they are, right?

    Gah, I'm just hoping that by the time my kid needs the talk, there will be some good show on MTV to tell them about the dangers of teenage pregnancy. What's that you say? 16 and Pregnant already exists?? Well, looks like my work is done!

  14. When I was 9 I walked in on my parents getting down and dirty. The following day my mother brought home an illustrated book on the birds and the bees. The man in the story was the full & very naked cartoon version of Tom Bosley and the woman was the full & also very naked cartoon version of Mrs.Roper. She made me read it, out loud in our living room. It was the most horrible experience ever and I have not been able to watch Happy Days or Three's company since.

  15. So that's what "Rockin' the Casbah" has meant all these years...... And of course sex burns calories, though not as many as a cardio workout. I picked A, B, and C for the answers. Do I pass? (Kymberly)

  16. Oh, how I want to laugh, but I can't. I am knee deep in topic with my fourteen (YIKES-yes-14-a few weeks short of 15!)year old daughter. She is IN LOVE-ha! Of course "they only did it once" and then got scared and have not done it again. Ya-ya. We have talked. She has cried. It is stressful. I would really like to take this, shove it in the corner, ignore it until she is 18, then we can talk about it again. Of course, I cannot do that so I am scheduling a doctors appointment (maybe that exam will "scare her straight")and trying my best to be present when they are together. Wish me luck!

  17. OMG I laughed until I cried when I read this post...especially the part about Sluts R Us, lmao....

    My mom left an anatomy book on my bed once, lol....omg the memories...but I was TRULY educated by my slutty friend Patty in middle school at a slumber party of about 10 girls at my house one night. I think I'm still a little scarred from that conversation, lol....

  18. I think it was Erma Bombeck's story; it still makes me laugh. Joey asked his Mom where he came from. Mom took a deep breath and told him the whole story. He listened quietly, then said, "Oh. I just wondered. Mike came from Cleveland."



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