Bad Guy: Looks like you're about 1,000 gallons light here. Where's the juice?
Jack: The methylamine isn't coming. But thanks for noticing that I’m a little lighter. I’ve really been exercising and eating right this wee… ummmm… this morning.
Bad Guy: What is this? And who the hell are you?
Jack: I'm the man who's keeping fit.
Bad Guy: What the hell's this? We had an agreement, right? We got our deal. So where's the tank, Mike?
Jack: Mike’s still ticked off because I emptied out all the methylamine and filled the tank with Smart Water. It tastes like water but it has electrolytes. You hear me, electrolytes!
Bad Guy: Why don't you just cut to what it is you want, or what you think is gonna happen here, all right? 'Cause we're gonna get what we came for.
Jack: Sure, that 1,000 gallons of methylamine is worth millions of dollars if you cook it into meth, but what I’m offering is world-class health and wellness information. But I need distribution.
Bad Guy: Distribution?
Jack: That’s right. So if you agree to give up cooking meth and sell my blog instead, I'll give you 35 percent of the take.
Bad Guy: Ummmm, you don’t charge anything for your blog content, dumbass.
Jack: Okay, fifty percent, but that’s my final offer!
Bad Guy: You realize we have our own blog, right?
Jack: I know all about your blog. My partners here tell me that you produce content that's 70% pure, if you're lucky. What I produce is 99.999999999999999999999 and a half percent pure.
Bad Guy: So?
Jack: So it's a Shake Weight versus Lifetime Fitness. Yours is, uh, just some tepid, off-brand, generic no-calorie cola. What I'm making is Diet Coke.
Bad Guy: You know, a University of Texas Health Science Center study found that the more diet sodas a person drank, the greater their risk of becoming overweight. Downing just two or more cans a day increased waistlines by 500%. Artificial sweeteners can disrupt the body's natural ability to regulate calorie intake based on the sweetness of foods, suggested an animal study from Purdue University. That means people who consume diet foods might be more likely to overeat, because your body is being tricked into thinking it's eating sugar, and you crave more.
Jack: My partner tells me that your crew switched to parodying really popular TV shows because of our success. You do stupid health tips on Twitter and only update your Facebook page once every blue moon. You already ape my product at every turn. But now you have the opportunity to sell it yourself.
Bad Guy: I need you to listen to me.We're not gonna give up this deal to be your errand boys, do you understand? For what? To watch a bunch of blog readers get a laugh while learning about health and fitness?
Jack: A little laughter means customers come back.A more interesting approach means a greater chance it’ll be shared. That's 130 million potential shares that aren’t being pissed away by some substandard content.
Bad Guy: Now you listen to me...
Jack: You've got the greatest weight loss blogger—well… at least in the top 500, and with my skills, you'll earn more from that 35% than you ever would after you get killed by that group of homicidal Nazis we passed on our way out here.
Bad Guy: Who the hell are ya?
Jack: You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.
Bad Guy: Do what? I don't-- I don't have a damn clue who the hell you are.
Jack: Yeah, you do. I'm the blogger. I'm the man who interviewed Hungrygirl Lisa Lillien.
Bad Guy: Bullshit. Rachel Ray got Hungrygirl.
Jack: Are you sure? That's right. Now say my name.
Bad Guy: You’re… Heisenblog
Jack: You're g*ddamn right.