Even More Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor

“Nurse! Come see how fat this patient is!”

“I’m going to give you a prescription for something that will make all food taste like celery.”

“Your cholesterol levels are bad, but I’m especially worried about your pudding levels.”

“You see this spot on the x-ray; that’s blue cheese dressing. Haven’t we talked about you not bringing a bucket of wings to your appointment?”

“Do I think you’re going to die soon? I can’t believe you’ve hung around this long!”

“I’m going to send you to a specialist in cheese addiction.”

“You see, when I hit your knee with my little hammer to check your reflexes, it’s not supposed to get stuck like that.”

“No, I won’t trade you a urine sample for a frozen custard.”

“Well, there’s at least one piece of good news: your case is going to allow me to buy my wife a new BMW convertible.”

“Wow, you’re in even worse shape than that Jack Sh*t fellow I saw this morning…”

More Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor…

•  “Hey, Fatty.”
  
  
• “You’re still alive? Damn, I lost a bet.”
  

• “Apparently you’ve suffered an overdose of dulce de leche.”
  
  
• “Bend back over. I think I lost my watch.”
  
  
• “Nurse, can you bring out the industrial scale?”
  
  
• “Well, maybe we can tie two paper gowns together.”
  
  
• “Turns out those ‘diet pills’ you ordered on the internet were really Mexican jumping beans.”
  
  
• “Your bloodwork doesn’t show anything troubling, but your cheesework indicates a lot of problems.”
  
  
• “No, we don’t normally see blood pressure gauges explode like that…”
  
  
•  “I’ve scheduled you a heart attack next Thursday.”
  
  
• “I’m gonna need you to scarf down as many chips and cupcakes as you can and… wake up, wake up. You’re dreaming…”
  
  
• “Can you move your head to the right and the left for me? Good, now can you do that anytime anyone offers you dessert?”
  
  
• “You’ll be fine as long as you quit eating everything you like.”
  
  
• “Your cholesterol… hmmmm, how should I best say this? It sucks.”
  
  
• “In medical terms, your glutius is very maximus.”
  
  
• “How do you feel about giving yourself shots and taking dozens of pills every day?”
  
  
• “Good news! I’m gonna make a lot of money on your case.”

Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor

• “You’re too big for a standard blood pressure test, so we’re going to have to take it rectally.”

• “Can you please put down the fudgecicle during the examination?”
  
  
• “Here’s some gastric bypass and sideshow carnival brochures.”
  
  
• “I’m writing you a prescription for a new pill that makes all food taste like cedar chips.”
  
  
• “I’m going to have to charge you for that broken scale.”
  
  
• “Your good cholesterol is bad, your bad cholesterol is worse, and your really bad cholesterol is completely out of whack.”
  
  
• “I’m writing up your case study for the new issue of Morbid Obesity Today.”
  
  
• “Dammit! I was halfway through with your breast exam before I realized this is your back!”
  
  
• “I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a nacho cheese IV.”
  
  
• “Now lift your chins up.”
  
  
• “Nurse… have you ever seen anybody this fat?”
  
  
• “Side effects may include one or more of the following: brain hemorrhage, oily discharge, twisty colon, explosive diarrhea and complete kidney shutdown.”
  
  
• “No more cake for you.”
  
  
• “Your blood type appears to be Rocky Road.”
  
  
• “The bad news is that the diabetes is so bad that we’re going to have to remove your legs. The good news is that somebody in the waiting room wants to buy your sneakers.”