Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor

  • “You’re too big for a standard blood pressure test, so we’re going to have to take it rectally.”
  • “Can you please put down the fudgecicle during the examination?”

  • “Here’s some gastric bypass and sideshow carnival brochures.”

  • “I’m writing you a prescription for a new pill that makes all food taste like cedar chips.”

  • “I’m going to have to charge you for that broken scale.”

  • “Your good cholesterol is bad, your bad cholesterol is worse, and your really bad cholesterol is completely out of whack.”

  • “I’m writing up your case study for the new issue of Morbid Obesity Today.”

  • “Dammit! I was halfway through with your breast exam before I realized this is your back!”

  • “I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a nacho cheese IV.”

  • “Now lift your chins up.”

  • “Nurse… have you ever seen anybody this fat?”

  • “Side effects may include one or more of the following: brain hemorrhage, oily discharge, twisty colon, explosive diarrhea and complete kidney shutdown.”

  • “No more cake for you.”

  • “Your blood type appears to be Rocky Road.”

  • “The bad news is that the diabetes is so bad that we’re going to have to remove your legs. The good news is that somebody in the waiting room wants to buy your sneakers.”


  1. Ok, I especially laughed at the "now lift your chin's up!" Too funny!

  2. I always take peoples blood pressure rectally....
    Is that *wrong?*

  3. If I had been drinking milk, it would have shot out my nose at the "back fat" breast exam. *Snort* Thanks for the laugh!

  4. haha fantastic!! Thanks for giving me something to laugh about first thing in the morning... knew I could count on you!!

  5. I'm pretty sure my doctor(s) and/or Weight Watchers leaders have used #11 (have you ever seen anybody this fat) before.

    If only in my mind.

    As for "broken scale"... well, some of the scales in my doctor's surgery don't go high enough to weigh me, so stepping on them's not even an option. How ridiculous is that!

    Good post, though. Got me chuckling.

  6. I don't get a comment, I get the "look" from my doctor. He had a heart attack and cleaned up his act, losing a lot of weight and getting super fit. I hope I don't have to have that kind of stimulus to lose weight.

  7. The breast exam one made me laugh out loud. Ha ha.

  8. The strongest thing my doctor ever said to me in referring to my high blood pressure was, "There's room for improvement here."

    I'm glad he didn't say, "Oh my God! Paddles! Clear!"

  9. “Dammit! I was halfway through with your breast exam before I realized this is your back!”... too funny!!! and sadly true

  10. You can take blood pressure rectally? Huh...who knew!

  11. Now lift your chins up. HILARIOUS.

  12. That first one really scared me enough for life! I didn't know there was such a thing. Is that for real? OUCH OUCH OUCH

    "Doc: You'll probably need surgery. We'll know when we have the test results.
    Me: But what's your guess?
    Doc: You'll probably need surgery."

    (I didn't need the surgery afterall)

  13. I could stand that pill for wood chips about now!

  14. Must be some nice sneakers. :D

  15. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! “Dammit! I was halfway through with your breast exam before I realized this is your back!” They all got me laughing though.... but I know there is a message behind your madness JS cause some people resemble this unfortunately....

  16. How about your doctor saying: "You're FAT. Here are some places to help with weightloss."

    or last time I saw him: "ooh your looking good you were a little fatty!" Blunt and to the point!

  17. mmmmmm cedar chips .... ;)

  18. okay those are all hilarious!

  19. Love them all. Thanks for the laugh!

  20. “Nurse… have you ever seen anybody this fat?”

    Oh the laughter!!!

  21. This was definately the FUNNIEST thing I've read in a VERY long time!! Thank you so much for making me cry "good" tears!

  22. Heheheh the breast exam one made me giggle like crazy!

  23. omg you killed me with the fudgesicle joke

  24. This actually happened to me.....

    I read in the notes...can't feel patients uterus because she is obeased. Yes she wrote that and I read it and cried. 13 pounds gone.



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