Friday, July 9, 2010

You’ll Thank Me Later (Again)

Maybe you need a hand with this whole weight-loss business. Maybe you need someone to step in and administer a little tough love when you're feeling particularly fat-ass-ed. Well, if that's the case... then here's what I'm prepared to do on your behalf...

  • Every time you put money into a vending machine, I run up from behind and punch the number for “Bit ‘0 Honey”

  • I flush a Pillow Pal down your toilet whenever you go three days without blogging

  • I bitchslap you if you even think about eating that donut

  • If you eat dinner over the sink, I yodel in your ear at full volume

  • There’s a 93% chance that every cupcake you come across will have already had the top pre-licked by me

  • For every chocolate bar you eat, I give you one wet Willie

  • I throw a lawn dart at your foot every time you open a bag of chips

  • Every time you put too much salt on a dish, I sprinkle itching powder in your underwear drawer

  • Whenever you order fried food, I make an obscene phone call to your mom

  • When you order popcorn at the movies, I key up your car in the parking lot

  • Every time you go out for drinks with your coworkers, I’ll be back at your place letting my dog whiz on your carpet

  • You eat in the car, I repeatedly kick your seat from the back with both feet

  • Whenever you skip a workout, I put an ad on craigslist saying that you pay top dollar for used buckets of paint and old batteries

32 comments:

  1. The things you do for us Jack ♥♥♥
    LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. made my morning today! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL luv it!!! You coming to the land down under then??

    ReplyDelete
  4. Man, I hate wet Willies. No grundies/wedgies??

    ReplyDelete
  5. where were you yesterday Jack??? Movie theater popcorn... death!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Put an ad on craigslist saying I like Wet Willies and Bit O'Honey!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Whoot! You're such a hoot. I'm totally sending a friend of mine here who NEEDS some motivation!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I would probably eat the cupcakes anyway! LOL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think you have yourself a new business there...Motivation By Jack! I would totally buy into that.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I dont believe you can Yodel. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You my friend are very funny and I enjoy reading your blog

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG! Do I need Evil Jack today!:) Blocking up my toilet may just be the kick-start I need :)

    No..on second thoughts...

    ReplyDelete
  13. You made me laugh when all I wanted was a cream stick! I sent the cream stick away to avoid a bitch slap. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. buckets and batteries...that's awesome. I will heed and never skip a workout!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'll sign up for all of those, except the drinks with co-workers. I like a little vino with my friends now and then.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haha luv it, I'll be watching my back a little bit more! I really don't want all those phone calls from those crazy Craigs list-aholics!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm clearing out the spare room for you, when can you move in?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Mental note: Stay away from the chips or get stronger boots.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I QUIT - just dont yodel, PLEASE dont yodel

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oops - I should have read this earlier.
    My Mom is gonna be so shocked...

    ReplyDelete
  21. HILARIOUS...if only you really COULD do these things--- I especially loved the eating in the car one, with you kicking the back of my seat with both feet! You'd probably be doing that while breathing heavily into the phone to my Mom, cuz like, eating in the car means I went through the drive-thru and ordred something FRIED no doubt! :-D

    ReplyDelete
  22. Too funny! The one about you keying up the car in the parking lot if we order popcorn at the movies made me burst out laughing! Love your humour Jack!

    ReplyDelete
  23. whew thank god I popped some air popped popcorn for the movies in advance! Just keeps gettin better Jack, like FINE WINE! :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Nice. I had the popcorn at the movies problem this week. Please leave my car alone, I won't do it again. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Whaaaa.....was that a Pillow Pal reference?!?! Reason #342 I love your blog!
    Rae
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  26. I know I'm a bit late to the party here, but I wanted to tell you that I really LOL'd at this... and I really needed the laugh. So thanks.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails