Friday, July 9, 2010

You’ll Thank Me Later (Again)

Maybe you need a hand with this whole weight-loss business. Maybe you need someone to step in and administer a little tough love when you're feeling particularly fat-ass-ed. Well, if that's the case... then here's what I'm prepared to do on your behalf...

  • Every time you put money into a vending machine, I run up from behind and punch the number for “Bit ‘0 Honey”

  • I flush a Pillow Pal down your toilet whenever you go three days without blogging

  • I bitchslap you if you even think about eating that donut

  • If you eat dinner over the sink, I yodel in your ear at full volume

  • There’s a 93% chance that every cupcake you come across will have already had the top pre-licked by me

  • For every chocolate bar you eat, I give you one wet Willie

  • I throw a lawn dart at your foot every time you open a bag of chips

  • Every time you put too much salt on a dish, I sprinkle itching powder in your underwear drawer

  • Whenever you order fried food, I make an obscene phone call to your mom

  • When you order popcorn at the movies, I key up your car in the parking lot

  • Every time you go out for drinks with your coworkers, I’ll be back at your place letting my dog whiz on your carpet

  • You eat in the car, I repeatedly kick your seat from the back with both feet

  • Whenever you skip a workout, I put an ad on craigslist saying that you pay top dollar for used buckets of paint and old batteries

33 comments:

  1. The things you do for us Jack ♥♥♥
    LOL

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  2. lmao...these are brilliant.

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  3. made my morning today! Thank you!

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  4. LOL luv it!!! You coming to the land down under then??

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  5. Man, I hate wet Willies. No grundies/wedgies??

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  6. where were you yesterday Jack??? Movie theater popcorn... death!!!

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  7. Put an ad on craigslist saying I like Wet Willies and Bit O'Honey!

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  8. Whoot! You're such a hoot. I'm totally sending a friend of mine here who NEEDS some motivation!!

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  9. I would probably eat the cupcakes anyway! LOL!!!

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  10. I think you have yourself a new business there...Motivation By Jack! I would totally buy into that.

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  11. I dont believe you can Yodel. Just saying.

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  12. You my friend are very funny and I enjoy reading your blog

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  13. OMG! Do I need Evil Jack today!:) Blocking up my toilet may just be the kick-start I need :)

    No..on second thoughts...

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  14. You made me laugh when all I wanted was a cream stick! I sent the cream stick away to avoid a bitch slap. Thank you.

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  15. buckets and batteries...that's awesome. I will heed and never skip a workout!

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  16. I'll sign up for all of those, except the drinks with co-workers. I like a little vino with my friends now and then.

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  17. Haha luv it, I'll be watching my back a little bit more! I really don't want all those phone calls from those crazy Craigs list-aholics!

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  18. I'm clearing out the spare room for you, when can you move in?

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  19. Mental note: Stay away from the chips or get stronger boots.

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  20. I QUIT - just dont yodel, PLEASE dont yodel

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  21. Oops - I should have read this earlier.
    My Mom is gonna be so shocked...

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  22. HILARIOUS...if only you really COULD do these things--- I especially loved the eating in the car one, with you kicking the back of my seat with both feet! You'd probably be doing that while breathing heavily into the phone to my Mom, cuz like, eating in the car means I went through the drive-thru and ordred something FRIED no doubt! :-D

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  23. Too funny! The one about you keying up the car in the parking lot if we order popcorn at the movies made me burst out laughing! Love your humour Jack!

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  24. whew thank god I popped some air popped popcorn for the movies in advance! Just keeps gettin better Jack, like FINE WINE! :)

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  25. Nice. I had the popcorn at the movies problem this week. Please leave my car alone, I won't do it again. ;)

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  26. Whaaaa.....was that a Pillow Pal reference?!?! Reason #342 I love your blog!
    Rae
    xo

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  27. I know I'm a bit late to the party here, but I wanted to tell you that I really LOL'd at this... and I really needed the laugh. So thanks.

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