You'll Thank Me Later

• Every time you drink a regular soda, I "sext" your daughter.

• You eat a donut, I pour a cup of cat urine on your bed.

• Whenever you blow off going to the gym, I send you a video of me flossing my teeth.

• For every four hours of TV you watch, I donate a dollar to the charity you hate the most.

• While you're in that Mexican restaurant scarfing down chips and salsa and margaritas, I'll be filling your iPod with Rush Limbaugh podcasts.

• Every time you skip breakfast, I leave a voicemail with me talking baby talk for five minutes.

• Whenever you eat a candy bar, I  shave a swastika on your pet's side.

• While you're playing games on the computer, I sprinkle chia pet seeds in your underwear drawer.

• Whenever you pull into the drive-thru lane of a fast-food restaurant, I yodel a medley of cowboy songs from the backseat.

• Every time you take a step backwards on your healthy living quest, I write another "You'll Thank Me Later..." post.

You’ll Thank Me Later (Again)

Maybe you need a hand with this whole weight-loss business. Maybe you need someone to step in and administer a little tough love when you're feeling particularly fat-ass-ed. Well, if that's the case... then here's what I'm prepared to do on your behalf...

• Every time you put money into a vending machine, I run up from behind and punch the number for “Bit ‘0 Honey”
  
  
• I flush a Pillow Pal down your toilet whenever you go three days without blogging
  
  
• I bitchslap you if you even think about eating that donut
  
  
• If you eat dinner over the sink, I yodel in your ear at full volume
  
  
• There’s a 93% chance that every cupcake you come across will have already had the top pre-licked by me
  
  
• For every chocolate bar you eat, I give you one wet Willie
  
  
• I throw a lawn dart at your foot every time you open a bag of chips
  
  
• Every time you put too much salt on a dish, I sprinkle itching powder in your underwear drawer
  
  
• Whenever you order fried food, I make an obscene phone call to your mom
  
  
• When you order popcorn at the movies, I key up your car in the parking lot
  
  
• Every time you go out for drinks with your coworkers, I’ll be back at your place letting my dog whiz on your carpet
  
  
• You eat in the car, I repeatedly kick your seat from the back with both feet
  
  
• Whenever you skip a workout, I put an ad on craigslist saying that you pay top dollar for used buckets of paint and old batteries