Friday, April 1, 2011

You'll Thank Me Later

• Every time you drink a regular soda, I "sext" your daughter.

• You eat a donut, I pour a cup of cat urine on your bed.

• Whenever you blow off going to the gym, I send you a video of me flossing my teeth.

• For every four hours of TV you watch, I donate a dollar to the charity you hate the most.

• While you're in that Mexican restaurant scarfing down chips and salsa and margaritas, I'll be filling your iPod with Rush Limbaugh podcasts.

• Every time you skip breakfast, I leave a voicemail with me talking baby talk for five minutes.

• Whenever you eat a candy bar, I  shave a swastika on your pet's side.

• While you're playing games on the computer, I sprinkle chia pet seeds in your underwear drawer.

• Whenever you pull into the drive-thru lane of a fast-food restaurant, I yodel a medley of cowboy songs from the backseat.

• Every time you take a step backwards on your healthy living quest, I write another "You'll Thank Me Later..." post.


  1. I'll thank you now!
    Happy April Fool's Day, fun guy!

  2. How did you get my daughter's cell phone number?

  3. did you know that we have a different meaning for 'blow off' here in UK.......


  4. Dear Mr. Sh*t,
    I'm writing to inform you that I am on to your shenanigans. You may have thought you could get all this past me, but you can't. I have read between the lines, I have sifted through your humor, sarcasm, and downright silliness and I have found your deeper meaning. In your posts, I find great advice and inspiration. Whether you like it or not, you can't fool me. So go on, keep writing with your usual satire, but know this one thing - I get way more out of your posts than you think and I truly appreciate that fact.
    (*smile smile wink wink)

  5. Ugh! Rush Limbaugh- I may never be able to eat Mexican food again.

  6. love the comic relief first thing in the morning!

  7. Dammit. How did you know?

    Btw, I love Snickers and my mean cat needs a trim. Do you have your own razor or should I get one?

  8. "Whenever you eat a candy bar, I shave a swastika on your pet's side"

    uh yeah. Just wait until you meet Bob the Cat.

  9. Rush podcasts! HA! I have sworn off chips and salsa!

  10. I loved this post! So well written and funny too! Thanks for sharing your experience with us!

  11. Fantastic! Smiling from ear you to ear. Thank you.



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