How to Make Kids Eat More Healthy

• Corn dogs aren’t very nutritious, but do you know what is? A dog made out of corn!

• Trick children into eating bananas by showing them how much your pet monkey enjoys eating them.

• Instead of chocolate milk, give them regular milk with brown food coloring.

• Some breakfast cereals, such as SugarBombs, have quite a bit of sugar.

• Never give an infant a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew; make it half Mountain Dew, half tap water.

• Get kids interested in gardening; after ten hours of working in the fields, they’ll be hungry enough to eat anything.

• Chop vegetables up into microscopic pieces and hide them in something they like, such as pudding.

• Let kids help in the kitchen. Hell… make kids cook dinner while you watch some TV.

• Spongebok Choypants.

• Kids learn from their parents, so it might help if you ate something besides macaroni-and-cheese three times a day.

• Tastes are developed even before your child is born, so try rubbing cottage cheese and English peas all over your belly.

• Trick kids into eating more veggies by smothering them with candy gravy.

• Next time your child says “I don’t like this,” try a little something like this: “Well, how would you like me to wear your ass out with my belt?” (That’s a tip from my father Horace, by the way).

• Give your children a Ring Pop every time they eat a bite of something healthy.

• Cut healthy food into fun shapes. No, not a trapezoid, for Pete’s sake! Sometimes I think you’re not even trying…

• Kids are smarter than we give them credit for; don’t tell them that broccoli gives them magic powers unless you can back that claim up.

• Tell your child the story of “The Little Boy Who Died From Not Eating Enough Veggies.”

• If nothing works, try getting some new kids.