Even More Ways to Make Your Kids Eat Healthier

• Two choices: eat this celery stalk or get slapped by it!

• Take out the Pop-Tart filling and replace with mashed sweet potato.

• Take them to a slaughterhouse to show them just how sausage is made, or if you really want to shake them up, take them to your job and show them how money to buy sausage is made.

• Tell your child that eating broccoli is like “eating a little tree”; if he replies, “Why would I want to eat a little tree?” then you should answer, “Just shut up and eat the stupid broccoli!”

• Though it can get expensive, my “quarter-per-pea” method generally gets results.

• Start calling Brussels sprouts “baby boom-boom cabbages.”

• Every time your children take a bite of something unhealthy, clang cymbals together loudly right behind their heads.

• Remember, you get more success by using the carrot than the stick (except when trying to get kids to eat carrots; the stick is definitely the way to go there).

• There’s a simple way to get kids to like eggplant (I just don’t know what it is…).

• Kids learn by watching their parents, so you really to learn to pretend you’re enjoying eating vegetables.

How to Make Kids Eat More Healthy

• Corn dogs aren’t very nutritious, but do you know what is? A dog made out of corn!

• Trick children into eating bananas by showing them how much your pet monkey enjoys eating them.

• Instead of chocolate milk, give them regular milk with brown food coloring.

• Some breakfast cereals, such as SugarBombs, have quite a bit of sugar.

• Never give an infant a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew; make it half Mountain Dew, half tap water.

• Get kids interested in gardening; after ten hours of working in the fields, they’ll be hungry enough to eat anything.

• Chop vegetables up into microscopic pieces and hide them in something they like, such as pudding.

• Let kids help in the kitchen. Hell… make kids cook dinner while you watch some TV.

• Spongebok Choypants.

• Kids learn from their parents, so it might help if you ate something besides macaroni-and-cheese three times a day.

• Tastes are developed even before your child is born, so try rubbing cottage cheese and English peas all over your belly.

• Trick kids into eating more veggies by smothering them with candy gravy.

• Next time your child says “I don’t like this,” try a little something like this: “Well, how would you like me to wear your ass out with my belt?” (That’s a tip from my father Horace, by the way).

• Give your children a Ring Pop every time they eat a bite of something healthy.

• Cut healthy food into fun shapes. No, not a trapezoid, for Pete’s sake! Sometimes I think you’re not even trying…

• Kids are smarter than we give them credit for; don’t tell them that broccoli gives them magic powers unless you can back that claim up.

• Tell your child the story of “The Little Boy Who Died From Not Eating Enough Veggies.”

• If nothing works, try getting some new kids.