Let's Make a Deal

Sometimes I get concerned that there are folks who are dropping into this bloggity blog for the first time, and I’m being all ha-ha silly about this weight-loss business. I mean, to someone who has 75 lbs, 100 lbs., 200 lbs. or more to lose, this ain’t no joking matter.

Except, you see, I think it is…

Here’s the thing: me… you… we can’t do it overnight. Even the most sound plan executed in the most perfect manner with the utmost level of commitment still requires one thing above all else: time.

Day after day of sticking to your guns.

Week after week of sweat and sacrifice.

Month after month of staring at a too-fat face in the mirror.

I laugh because… really, don’t you have to laugh? Don’t you have to laugh to save your sanity? Don’t you have to laugh to keep from crying?

It would be so easy to throw in the towel, to decide that we simply don’t give a doodley-damn what the world thinks and we’re just gonna eat what we want, drink what we want and be who we are.

But you know how that story ends, don’t you?

It ends with you wallowing in self-pity and misery. It ends happily never after…

Don’t you want more than that? Don’t you deserve better than that?

I want you to do what it takes… whatever it takes… to move your life to a better place, but I also want you to understand that we’re going to be at it for quite some time.

So let’s make a deal, you and I: you keep striving to do the best you can to make your life a healthier and happier one and I’ll do my best to… ummmm… do whatever the hell I feel like doing (hey, I didn’t say it was a good deal, did I?)

Missus Bitchcakes and Mister Sh*t

Like you, I watch a lot of old vaudeville clips and was particularly taken by this ditty from the comedy team of Ed Gallagher and Al Shean.

Gallagher and Shean performed this song in vaudeville beginning in 1920. They also used it on Broadway in the 1922 Ziegfeld Follies. New verses were frequently added to fit special occasions or current events.

This stylish chick always makes me think of better days gone by, plus she’s got a fantastic weight-loss story (as well as a bitchin’ blog).

Anyway, it all came together in my head for a vaudeville- and bitchcakes-inspired extravaganza...

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

I’ve gotta tell you, lady
You’re got style I’d like to steal
A fantastic sense of fashion
Not to mention retro passion
While I buy all my duds
Down at the Goodwill.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Your sophistication’s
A bit lacking, I’ll admit.
Just remember, if you can,
It’s not the clothes that make the man.

Jack: Oh! I thank you, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re quite welcome, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Weight Watchers seems to be the way you roll.
Counting points with all your eating,
And weighing in at every meeting.
Hey, whatever helps you
Help you reach your goal.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I think Weight Watchers could help you quite a bit.
I wish that you would try it.
It’s a real smart way to diet.

Jack: It’s too expensive, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re a cheapskate, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
I saw some pictures of you
Riding on your bike.
I saw you stylin’ on your seat,
As you pedaled down the street,
And I thought that we
are very much alike.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
A bike seat’s definitely a nice place to sit.
I’m just sorry you don’t know how it feels
To ride without the training wheels.

Jack: Oh that’s harsh, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Just the truth now, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

It’s good to start your day
With a healthy dose of fruit.
No matter what the type,
Just as long as it is ripe.
It’ll help keep you looking good
In your birthday suit.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I’m not sure that your breakfast
There is too legit.
I’ve got to tell you, oops
There’s no fruit in your Fruit Loops.

Jack: You got me, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: I don’t want you, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Come jump into the pool; the water’s fine.
Maybe you’d like to swim some laps,
Or just splash around perhaps.
Just don’t worry if your form’s
Not as good as mine.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t, (splash)
Swimming’s a great way to keep us nice and fit.
I can give you lessons if it helps.
Compared to you, I’m Michael Phelps.

Jack: Hey, nice breast stroke, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Good dog-paddling, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes!

Sheryl: Is that a photo album
You’ve got there, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: There’s hardly any pics of me,
Since I was big enough for three.
I only said “Cheese” when
It was real cheese I could get.

Sheryl: Why Mister Sh*t,
Why Mister Sh*t.
No one’s ever gonna confuse you
with Brad Pitt.
But now for photos by your friends,
We won’t need the wide-angle lens.

Jack: Snap my picture, Missus Bitchcakes?
Sheryl: Give us a smile now, Mister Sh*t.

Snakes & Ladders

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I recycle more than just newspapers and beer bottles. I recycle love. Waitaminute... that sounded all kinds of gay. Forget what I said about recycling love. I don't even know what that means. Why don't you read this while I try to figure it all out...

For way too many of us, this weight-loss journey is a two steps forward, one step back kind of deal. It’s a game of “Snakes and Ladders” where one misstep seems to send us spiraling downward (and not the good kind of downward, if you know what I mean).

You’ll score a solid week, feel like you’re dialed in and doing great, and then comes a little slip-up. A night out. A lunchtime celebration. A slice of pizza that turns into half a pie.

Weeks that make you feel like a weight-loss rock star.

Days that make you feel like this weight is going to be a burden forever.

But there’s something you need to understand and understand well: falling isn’t failing.

Slipping isn’t stopping.

Giving in isn’t giving up.

This game is a difficult one, a tricky one. One minute, you’ll think you’ve got a handle on things, maybe even feel that it’s easy-squeezy; the next minute, you’ll find yourself straining and struggling, hungry for something that you know won’t fill you up, won’t make you happy, won’t be what you need.

People have told me that I make this losing weight business look easy, and it’s a statement that I’m never really sure how to take. I’ll admit that my weight-loss numbers have been pretty steady. But from the very beginning, I came to the realization that this isn’t a game of luck, a game of chance.

That’s what “Snakes and Ladders” is, you see: a game of chance. You roll the dice and you takes your chances. Sometimes you’re safe, sometimes you get to climb up… and sometimes you fall. It takes a lot of luck to run through the gauntlet of snaky slopes with suffering a setback or two.

I’m here to tell you that as much as it may seem like it, this weight-loss journey isn’t a game of “Snakes and Ladders”, isn’t really a game of chance.

A roll of the dice doesn’t cause you to suffer a setback.

It’s me and you.

It’s on us.

The setbacks are just us, doing what we know in our hearts we shouldn’t be doing. We can make excuses, but at the end of the day we know exactly what rings the bell on that scale. We know how to lose this weight. We know it.

We either choose to do it, or we choose not to, and even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like a choice, I’m here to tell you that it most definitely is.

The rules are simple: get the eating under control and work a little exercise into your day. Make good choices most days and the best ones available to you on the other days. Find what motivates you and use it to steel yourself to do what it takes… whatever it takes… to get your house of cards in order.

Yesterday, a guy in the locker room expressed concern about me: “You okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“I didn’t leave a lot in the tank,” I smiled back, sweat still dripping from my forehead into a puddle on the cool tile.

My point? If you saw me in the gym these days, my shirt wringing wet with hard-earned sweat, I don’t think you’d be remarking how I’m making this look easy.

It’s not easy, and it’s not a game. It’s your life and a roll of the dice isn’t what gets you moving. It’s just you.

If you’re looking for me, you’ll find me on a ladder.

After all, climbing ladders is great exercise.

You’ll Thank Me Later (Again)

Maybe you need a hand with this whole weight-loss business. Maybe you need someone to step in and administer a little tough love when you're feeling particularly fat-ass-ed. Well, if that's the case... then here's what I'm prepared to do on your behalf...

• Every time you put money into a vending machine, I run up from behind and punch the number for “Bit ‘0 Honey”
  
  
• I flush a Pillow Pal down your toilet whenever you go three days without blogging
  
  
• I bitchslap you if you even think about eating that donut
  
  
• If you eat dinner over the sink, I yodel in your ear at full volume
  
  
• There’s a 93% chance that every cupcake you come across will have already had the top pre-licked by me
  
  
• For every chocolate bar you eat, I give you one wet Willie
  
  
• I throw a lawn dart at your foot every time you open a bag of chips
  
  
• Every time you put too much salt on a dish, I sprinkle itching powder in your underwear drawer
  
  
• Whenever you order fried food, I make an obscene phone call to your mom
  
  
• When you order popcorn at the movies, I key up your car in the parking lot
  
  
• Every time you go out for drinks with your coworkers, I’ll be back at your place letting my dog whiz on your carpet
  
  
• You eat in the car, I repeatedly kick your seat from the back with both feet
  
  
• Whenever you skip a workout, I put an ad on craigslist saying that you pay top dollar for used buckets of paint and old batteries
  
  

I'm Full

Would I like a second helping?

No thanks, I'm full.

Full of hope.

Full of dreams.

Full of energy.

Full of excitement.

For the first time in forever, I'm full of optimism about the road ahead, full of confidence in myself and my limitless possibilities.

Yes, there was a time not so long ago when I was overweight and overwhelmed. My weight had never been higher; my self esteem never lower.

But guess what? It is within us to change ourselves. To rise up from rock bottom and reach for the stars. To stop holding ourselves back, stop living on the sidelines, stop making excuses and start making some magic happen.

That's what it feels like to me anyway, like some kind of beautiful voodoo. A year ago I felt powerless and out of control; today I feel fit and strong, as though I can move mountains.

Most of the time, I have a point to my posts, even if I cleverly disguise it with bombastic wordplay or juvenile fart jokes. But not today...

Today I'm just checking to let you know that I'm still on my healthy eating path, still living my healthy-living life.

Whether you’re strutting or struggling, whether your days are trying or triumphant, I hope you’re as committed as I am to doing what it takes, whatever it takes, to keep your healthy journey on track.

This day is definitely full of possibility.

What You Know Can’t Hurt You

They say that knowledge is power, but for me, it turns out that knowledge is will power.

I used to enjoy stopping in at Starbucks from time to time and treating myself to a gooey sweet frothy beverage. Even the six-dollar price tag didn't slow me down. Just listen to that name: “Caramel Machiato”; it just rolls off your tongue like a mouthful of goodness.

But then my wife Anita clued me in that my favorite delicacy was apparently loaded with roughly 300 calories worth of fat, sugar and empty, no-good-for-you nothingness.

“That can’t be right,” I exclaimed. “It’s coffee.”

So, on my next visit, I ordered my sweet treat with skim milk. I grimaced when I placed my order, and once I got my cup, I may have bragged a little to Anita.

“Did you get ‘em to leave off the whipped cream?” she asked, raising an eyebrow as she sipped on her herbal tea. “That’s about 60 to 110 calories and 6 to 11 grams of fat.”

Grrrrrrr…

So the next time, I got a no-fat, no-whip Caramel Machiato, and winked at Anita.

“Did you get the regular vanilla syrup in it?” she asked. “Two pumps of syrup adds on 40 calories and 10 grams of sugar.”

Pfffft…

The next time I went to Starbucks, I just ordered a hot tea.

Here’s the thing: once you really understand exactly what’s in the food and drinks you love, it’s difficult to find the same blind enjoyment in them that you once did.

Here’s some other tidbits that wrung the love out of my favorite foods:

• Just because you’re eating a salad doesn’t mean you’re God’s gift to dieting. A scant tablespoon of a full-fat dressing can pack 50 calories onto your meal. At a salad per day, that tablespoon of dressing on each salad equals roughly 5 pounds a year.
  
  
• Energy bars are well-known for being full of healthful vitamins and minerals. However, that little bar is also packed with calories, a lot of them coming in at 200 or more. That’s appropriate for an athlete who needs to maintain fuel without a lot of bulk, but as a snack, that’s a heap of calories.
  
  
• I used to down a lot of sports drinks when playing basketball, but lately have learned that drinks such as Gatorade and Powerade typically contain as much as two-thirds the sugar of sodas and more sodium to boot. The same holds true for sweetened waters such as VitaminWater and SoBe Life Water. I’ve transitioned to this new drink I’ve discovered: water.
  
  
• A year ago, I was drinking a buttload of Diet Cokes. Come to find out that caffeine increases your insulin level which has the end result of slowing down your fat-burning system. The lack of calories in diet sodas, teas and coffee are truly deceiving. Restrict your caffeine intake for faster weight loss.
  
  
• Ever wondered why restaurant soup tastes better than what you make at home? Roughly 90% of restaurant's soups are simply loaded with fat, salt and cholesterol. In fact, a bowl of Quiznos's Mushroom Bisque has 18 grams of fat per cup. Be aware that substituting soup for a salad is not always the healthier choice.
  
  
• You ran out of the house without breakfast, so what’s wrong with picking up a muffin? The fact is, the lowfat muffins at Starbucks contain 380 calories each. Yes, that's the lowfat one. The regular muffins clock in at about 475 calories each, and many of them come sprinkled with even more sugar on top.
  
  
• We all know that soda is bad for us; what many of us don’t realize is just how much of it we drink. Most restaurants provide free refills to convince you it’s a good deal, and you keep drinking because… hey, free soda! But empty calories are just empty calories; plan on having no more than one glass because it adds up to too many calories, too quickly. Think about it: you don't get back from a restaurant and exclaim " Wow, that was some really delicious soda!"
  
  
• Let’s face it: fast food isn’t what it was in the good ol’ days. Today, an average fast food meal consists of a burger with 6 ounces of meat and a drink that can be from a quart to a half-gallon (32 to 64 ounces). In the 1950's, a fast food meal consisted of a burger with only 1 ounce of meat and the drink was only a cup (8 ounces).

There’s a guy whose weight-loss journey I follow mostly because it’s one of the most unique approaches I’ve run across. Eric at The Fattest Person Ever is attempting to lose weight by eating virtually every meal at a restaurant (albeit just in smaller portions). It simply flies in the face of everything I think I know about this business, and just about every one of my comments there is me sh*tting on his parade.

For instance, he was touting Starbuck’s spinach & feta wraps, giving it mad props for its great taste and the fact that it only has 240 calories. In my comment, I pointed out the fact that the sammich comes in at 48% of the DV for sodium (he had two of them), and the ingredients list is something straight out of a food chemistry textbook. I also told him to keep in mind that it's coming out now that restaurants are notoriously underreporting calorie counts. Why? Because they can and there's no reason not to...

While it’s true that we have never been in an age where we’ve been bombarded by so many food choices, larger-than-life portions and eating opportunities, we’ve also never been in an age where nutritional information is more easily or readily accessible.

Open your eyes, and you just might shut your mouth.

Onederland

Weekly weigh-in: 199.5
Loss: -1.8
Total loss: 92.0 lbs.
Emotion: A sense of wonder

Some people are trying to get to their “college days” weight, some are trying to get back to their “day I got married” weight. Some may even be shooting for their “high school prom” weight.

Me? I literally cannot remember ever weighing less than 200 lbs. I’m sure I did at one point, but I think I never stood on a scale in those days. I was too busy playing with Hot Wheels on my Sizzlers Fat Track.

My wife Anita was out of town all week, so I took the opportunity to do two things that generally help me lose weight: double up my workouts and eat my own cooking. I kept an “Assault on Onederland” mindset all week, pushing myself harder on workouts and pushing myself away from the table.

My mother Shirley has been on my case to not lose any more weight, but my medically approved, scientifically calculated weight range is 156-204 lbs (yikes… I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get to 156 even if I scooped out all my internal organs).

They say that men tend to allow their ideal weight to be higher than medically recommended. The funny thing is that women tend to imagine their ideal weight is unrealistically low, so they diet unnecessarily. Apparently, men and women should learn take a lesson from one another and meet somewhere in the middle.

For me, this journey will definitely transition from a weight-loss mode to more of a focus on fitness and keeping the pounds off. My yo-yo history means that I can’t take my eyes completely off the scale, but I’m not going to kill myself trying to get down much more.

But for now, I’m going to celebrate a bigger accomplishment than I ever imagined I could achieve.

How does it feel now that I’ve finally made it?

1-derful.

Just a Few More Fitness Center Conversation Starters

• “Do you know where they sell a good men’s sports bra?”
• “I’m trying to get in shape for fishin’ season.”
• “Did you know that BMI doesn’t stand for ‘Bowel Movement Indicator?’”
• “You may be able to bench press your weight, but I can eat my weight in Milk Duds.”
• “It’s a workout Snuggie, dumbass.”
• “Can you do me a favor? Watch me to a lat pull and tell me if you think it’s pretty.”
• “I just downloaded an app that tracks how many sit-ups I should have done.”
• “Do you know anyone who would trade personal training sessions for yodeling lessons?”
• “My old gym wasn’t this shiny.”
• “I think of this place as my Sweet Sweat Palace!”
• “Would you like to hear me recite a haiku?”
• “Did you know babies are born without kneecaps? It’s true!”
• “High-five! I did a push-up!”
• “Before I get started, do you happen to know CPR?”
• “I’m feeling extra exercisey today!”
• “You know what they say: ‘No pain, no assimilation of nutrients in order to facilitate muscle weight gain.’”
• “I dare you to try to bench press 1,000 pounds.”
• “My Jersey Shore nickname is ‘DJ Douchebag’.”
• “I took my aunt to the prom. Oh, I’m sorry… I thought you said ‘What’s your most embarrassing secret?’ not ‘Are you almost done on the elliptical?’”

My Secret Plan for the Holiday...

Actually, I was just gonna leave today's post at that, but the marvelous MizFit inspired me to work up a list of memorized phrases to help people get through Thanksgiving dinner without overdoing it:

• “Sorry, my tapeworm won’t allow me to eat pumpkin pie.”
• “My religion forbids cranberry sauce.”
• “No thanks. I happen to know that Cousin Jimmy licked all the rolls before dinner.”
• “My doctor informed me that even one slice of pecan pie will make my spleen explode.”
• “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”
• “That stuffing looks delicious but it brings back hurtful memories of that fraternity hazing incident that’s too painful for me to talk about…”
• “I’m allergic to second helpings.”
• “I don’t think so. Dad always buys his turkeys from some dude who sells them out of the trunk of his Grand Am along with bootleg DVDs…”
• “I yam not gonna have any of those marshmallowy sweet potatoes, thank you very much.”
• “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…”
• “Do you have any diet wine?”
• “No thanks… I had giblets for breakfast this morning.”
• “No green bean casserole for me this year; I’m showing my support for the plight of Chillean green bean farmers.”
• “No thanks. I saw Grandma spit into the mashed potatoes while she was making them.”

Happy holidays from the entire Sh*t family.

Reasons NOT to Lose Weight (Plus a Couple of Guest Posts)

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t Saturday" where I rerun some of the older posts that mean something extra to me. It's my special way of getting out of a little work, which doesn't explain why in the hell I'm guest posting today for Michelle at Eating Journey as well as Ashley at A Daily Dose of Dieting.

Anyway, what makes this particular post special to me is that it's where this space quit being a daily diary/commentary and started really being Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit. It's the one that made me realize I could be completely ridiculous and it was okay. Maybe even better than okay...

Reasons NOT to Lose Weight

• Shame to waste all my “fat” pants
• 25-lb. bags of potato chips at Costco make unhealthy lifestyle extremely affordable
• Time spent weight loss blogging could easily be filled with TV watching
• Less sweaty gym clothes = less laundry
• Might miss out on playing Santa Claus at holiday parties
• Easier to maintain casual friendships with all those fast food drive-thru workers
• Don’t have to answer that embarrassing “Are you losing weight?” question
• Good excuse to wear sweatpants in public
• Don’t have to worry about a lot of leftovers cluttering up fridge
• Get more for your money at “all-you-can-eat” buffet
• Answer to all life’s problems? Gravy
• Have kick-*ss health insurance to deal with any weight-related problems
• Have gotten good at punching new holes in belt with screwdriver
• Guy that owns the local Ben & Jerry’s franchise really wants me back

I dunno. I make a pretty compelling argument, but I think I’m gonna stick with the plan.

x

Six Months Down, Forever To Go

After revealing my before-and-after pics last week, I’ve had quite a few people inform me that “you’re done.” My mom Shirley started singing this refrain ten pounds ago actually.

Done.

Finished.

Kaput.

That might actually be the truth, too. This week marks six full, life-changing months for me, and I’ll admit that I may really be done with the serious weight-loss portion of this program. However…

History (and keep in mind, all I have to go by here is history) tells me that the moment I drop the ball, the minute I shift my focus to other things, the weight is going to slowly creep back on. It’ll start with small things, small choices.

I’ll skip this week’s weigh-in because I went out and had a few too many last night.

I’ll quietly put away a pair of jeans that’ve gotten too snug (I never throw them away though; after all, hope springs eternal).

I’ll grab a donut from the break room because, hey, free donuts!

It may take weeks or it may take months, but I’ll essentially wind up inexplicably sabatoging all the good work I’ve done here.

That’s not me talking, by the way. That’s history.

But here’s the thing: my approach this time has been so radically different than it’s ever been before. I’ve never felt like I was on a diet, and that’s part of the reason that I’m not so sure I’m through losing.

I’ve never counted calories, though I have a good idea of what I consume over the course of a day. It’s not that I don’t think counting calories or tallying points or tracking food aren’t all workable ideas. It’s just not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and that’s what I was looking for: something I could honestly and truly live with.

What I did early on was formulate a set of rules that would guide me on this trek. At the beginning, they were stricter, more specific. The “Don’ts”, if you will…

• Don’t eat anything purchased from a vending machine.
• Don’t eat while you’re driving.
• Don’t eat while you’re watching TV.
• Don’t buy food at gas stations.
• Don’t eat fast food.
• Don’t eat chips.
• Don’t drink sodas.
• Don’t eat after dinner.

The strictness of these rules helped me stay on the straight and narrow when my determination was wavering and my will was weak. As I became smaller, these guidelines became bigger, broader, more complex yet more flexible. The “Don’ts” were replaced with grander ideas that reflected the bigger picture.

• Think about what you’re eating and why you’re eating it.
• Slow down… appreciate your meal.
• Prepare it yourself and control what you consume.
• Eating out should be the exception to the rule instead of the rule.
• Sometimes you need to listen to your body… and sometimes your body needs to listen to you.

If you really, honest-to-God commit yourself to this weight-loss journey, I think you’ll find that it changes over time. And it changes you over time. Yes, yes, you lose some pounds and some inches, but you gain something substantial along the way as well.

I have a deeper appreciation for my own capabilities these days, a deeper pride in myself and what I can accomplish in the future. Escaping from that fat suit made me realize that I can really go places if I don’t hold myself back.

This weight can be… check that… this weight is an anchor that will pull you down, make you less than you can be. Even if your friends and family all lovingly accept you just the way you are, you’ll never really and truly accept yourself (at least most of us can’t or won’t). It’s simple: you can be better, and you know you can be better.

I hope you’ll embrace this idea that you’re on the path to a better life. Whatever tools you use… low carb, calorie counting, long-distance running, lap band… whatever the tools, remember that the real key to the deal is to find a lifestyle that you can live with and start living with it.

Start living with it.

Me? I’m just getting started.

x

I’m Sorry, Ethyl Merman

Audio only

I feel swelled! Not so great!
Gonna start putting less on my plate!
Starting here, starting now,
Honey, everything's coming up losses!

Clear the decks! Clear the pass!
Gonna take a few pounds off my ass.
Blow a kiss. Skip a meal.
Honey, everything's coming up losses!

Let’s start grinning. Stand up and cheer!
Scale is spinning! This is just the beginning!
Get on up! Ride the bike!
Learn to find healthy foods that you like!
You'll be swell. You'll be great.
I can tell. You’ll lose weight.
Yes, every goal you’ve set is coming true!
Honey, everything's coming up losses for me and for you!

You can do it, all you need is a hand.
We can do it, Jackie is gonna see to it!
Wake on up! Workout clothes!
We got nothing to hit but new lows!
I can tell, wait and see.
Here’s my blog! Follow me!
And nothing's gonna stop us 'til we're through!
Honey, everything's coming up losses and diet pills!
Everything's coming up sunshine and smaller clothes!
Everything's gonna be lite drinks and low cal snacks!
Everything's coming up losses for me and for you!

x

Shrimpin' Ain't Easy

I’m not a Red Lobster regular, so it shouldn’t be surprising that I’ve never paid any attention to their “Endless Shrimp” promotion. I saw the commercial the other day and just had to shake my head in disbelief at these shrimp pimps.

Let me get this straight, Red Lobster: all-you-can-eat wasn’t quite enough for you people? You had to pull out the “infinity” card.

It only happens once a year – Endless Shrimp with all the irresistible, freshly prepared shrimp you crave. Select from classics like Garlic Shrimp Scampi, Hand-Breaded Shrimp, Shrimp Linguini Alfredo or Crunchy Popcorn Shrimp. Or try our new Buffalo Shrimp. The choice is yours.

The choice is yours.

Between 1980 and 2005, the amount of shrimp consumed by Americans nearly tripled, from 1.4 pounds per person to 4.1 pounds per person. Where did I get those numbers? From somewhere on the internet (research still isn’t my strong suit). That’s a pretty jumbo leap.

Listen: I got nothing against shrimp. It's an excellent source of protein and important nutrients including vitamins D and B12, selenium (a health-enhancing antioxidant), and heart-healthy omega-3 fats.

It’s the “endless” that troubles me, because I know my fellow Man. I know that he never shies away from a challenge, and I suspect that he may bust open his stomach lining in order to try to eat Red Lobster into the poorhouse, not understanding that with cheap product from Asia, he’s not the only one getting fat in the deal.

Like I said, I’m not a big “research” doer for this space, but I actually did some reading up on shrimp and this particular promotion for this post. My favorite piece was a frothy rant by a disgruntled Red Lobster server who just tees off on the company:

This is the single worst promotion ever created by Red Lobster. This means we triple the amount of work we have to do for a lot less money. Our clientèle does not improve with this promotion. Our better customers aren't all that interested in gorging themselves past the limits of normal humans. In fact, this promotion scares off some of our good customers for a while. What regular wants to wait for a table at Red Lobster when everybody in the joint has willingly joined into a shrimp eating contest? Those Nathan's Hot Dog eating contestants have nothing on some of my guests. I think Takeru Kobayashi would tap out at round 8 while my customers have yet to loosen their belts.

Endless shrimp means 20 stops at the table of 3 construction guys who are each trying to eat 120 shrimp. Endless shrimp means lower ticket prices, because who wants appetizers when you are going to try and rupture your spleen with your engorged stomach while eating limitless shrimp? Endless shrimp means slower table turns, because you just have to find room for another round of Scampi. Endless shrimp means cleaning shrimp tails from every nook and cranny of the restaurant (Sir, we do provide plates for you to put those on. Oh I see, you'd rather place them on the window sill, you can count them all there.). Endless shrimp means those families you frequently find camping out at Old Country Buffet waddle over to our stores. Endless shrimp means dealing with dirt bags who think endless means they can take home as many as they want. Endless shrimp means repeatedly answering the question "What's the mosstanybody's ate up in here?" (Often answered while customer is on 5th round of scampi with butter drooling down their chin and pooling onto their shirt. Judging by the state of said shirt, that appears to be a normal eating practice.) Endless shrimp means whole inbred families with poor hygene wearing sweatpants (look ma...they's stretchy!) visiting me every day. Endless shrimp means corporate Red Lobster makes their money, while the server gets screwed. For two months. Every shift.


Then I went and read dozens of message board comments and blog entries, strategizing on how exactly to get your money’s worth out of Red Lobster’s shrimpapalooza: don’t fill up on the biscuits or rice, don’t get the shrimp with the creamy sauce with noodles early, order extra sauce and drinks because the wait staff are running around like shrimps with their heads cut off and get a box to take home plenty of leftovers (not that you'll ever want to eat shrimp again).

Reading all that made me think of the court scene in The Simpsons after Homer gets kicked out of an all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant:

Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.

Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.

Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, may I remind you that you are under oath.

Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Lawyer: And when you couldn't find one?

Marge: [crying] We... went... fishing.

Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?

Who do you blame for this? People who’ve created the demand for bottomless bowls of cheap crap or big chain restaurants that are capitalizing on what people tell them they want? All I know is that it’s tough to eat right when it seems to go against the grain of what’s popular, of what the rest of the world seems to be doing.

I’m holding out hope that one day the world will embrace the idea that what we eat is more important than how cheap it can be and how much can be piled on a plate. “Endless Health,” that’s the promotion I’d like to see some restaurant chain take and run with. Show me that you want to feed me, plus keep me around a little longer in the process. Do that, and you’ve got a customer for life.

The League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen Rides Again

PART FOUR

The room was pitch black dark.

“I’m gonna need a raise if I’m gonna keep working for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen,” came Tricia’s voice from the blackness. “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this sh*t.”

“Speaking of sh*t,” said Fat Daddy. “I think somebody needs a new pair of britches.”

“He who smelt it, dealt it,” said Jack Sh*t. “Besides, we have bigger problems. Apparently whoever…”

“Whomever,” said Tricia.

“No,” corrected Fat Daddy. “I’m pretty sure it’s ‘whoever’.”

“Whoever or whomever is trying to destroy the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemenm,” said Jack. “Has come here to destroy us.”

The lights suddenly crackled back on.

“That’s correct,” boomed a voice at the door.

“Blogher?” exclaimed Fat Daddy.

“It’s a male, dumbass,” sneered Tricia.

“My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge,” said the lab-coated figure in the doorway. “And I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, which now includes over 2,000 of the Web's leading health bloggers!”

“Dr. Geoff!” smiled Jack. “Of course. It all makes perfect sense now…”

“As a member of the HealthBlogger Network,” said Dr. Geoff, “You'll enjoy the greatly expanded reach and exposure to Wellsphere's more than 5 million monthly visitors, innovative special features and functionality for your blog, and an exclusive badge to recognize you as a leading health blogger. Once you join, we'll begin promoting you and your blog as a great source of health knowledge and support, featuring you in rotation on our homepage (www.wellsphere.com), republishing your posts on Wellsphere, giving you special status on Wellsphere and linking back to your blog from your articles and from your profile.”

“Never!” yelled Jack.

“Let me tell you a bit about me and about Wellsphere. I'm a physician who has taught and practiced Internal and Emergency Medicine for over 25 years at Harvard and Stanford medical schools, and am passionate about helping people get the information and support they need to be healthier.”

With that, Dr. Geoff pulled out an UZI and aimed it at Jack, FD and Tricia.

“I'm now the Chief Medical Information Officer at Wellsphere.com, where I manage the HealthBlogger Network. Wellsphere, the fastest-growing consumer health website, is revolutionizing the way people find and share health and healthy living information and support. We've recently merged with The HealthCentral Network, Inc. (www.healthcentral.com), and together we're now serving more than 10 million people a month!”

“Well this is it,” said Jack. “The end of the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Nah,” said Tricia. “I bet it’s another cliffhanger ending.”

Dr. Geoff raised his weapon, a murderous smile on his face. He clicked off the safety and took aim.

Jack Sh*t smiled a knowing smile.

“I’ll take that bet,” he said. “Dr. Geoff… say hello to my little fat friends.”

“POM’S AWAY!” came a chorus of wild raging voices from the back of the room.

Suddenly, Dr. Geoff was pummeled mercilessly with miniature bottles of POM pomegranate juice.

Tony the Anti-Jared, Carlos, Pink Panda Tony, Sean and Stephen were gathered at the far end of the table. They were pulling out bottles of POM from a stack of boxes, unscrewing the tops and firing them at the Wellsphere doctor. Pink Panda Tony nailed Dr. Geoff in the throat with a fast-ball special.

“Ha!” laughed Tony. “It’s pretty ironic that I’m the only one of us that doesn’t throw like a little girl.”

“Shut up and keep throwing,” said Carlos. “I’ve got some of my famous beans on the stove and I need to get back to them before they scorch.”

Splattered with juice from the barrage of POM bombs, Dr. Geoff swore under his breath and rushed away, leaving a purple trail behind him.

“Should we go after him?” asked Sean.

“You just want to interview him,” said Stephen.

“Let him go,” said Tony P. “I haven’t told the rest of you this yet, but… that man is my father.”

“Good news,” said Fat Daddy. “TOM just called and he’s feeling a ton better. He’s staying with his Aunt Dot and Aunt Flo until he’s completely recovered.”

“Well, all’s well that ends well,” said Jack, shaking hands with the other League members. “Tricia, somebody needs to mop up all this pomegranate juice before it stains the floor.”

“I hate this job,” she said, taking a mop from the closet.

“Please, Tricia,” said Jack. “Save it for the blog.”

Starting to mop up the huge puddle of purple juice as the League members celebrated, Tricia muttered under her breath: “Worst. Ending. Ever.”

- THE END -

A Sequel With No Equal

“I hate this job,” muttered Tricia.

“For the ten thousandth time,” said Jack Sh*t, standing beside the secretarial desk. “Please wait until I leave the room before saying that out loud. Better yet, why don’t you just blog about it on Fight Fat Phobia.”

“Because you had Stephen lock down the firewall,” sneered Tricia, turning back to her computer. “No blogs in, no blogs out.”

“That’s not exactly true,” smiled Jack.

“Oh yeah, I forgot,” frowned Tricia. “We can still get Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.”

“Well, what more could you ask for than that?” asked Jack.

“How about giving us our instant messaging back?” pleaded Tricia. “Poor Dina died from loneliness because I couldn’t IM her during the day.”

“C’mon,” laughed Jack. “We both know Dina died of tequila poisoning.”

“To-may-to, ta-mah-to,” replied Tricia.

“Well, since you’re the secretary for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen, you don’t need to be wasting time farting around on the internet,” exclaimed Jack. “Now what’s the status of the next meeting…?”

Tricia consulted her notepad. “Ummm, Gay Tony’s busy redecorating his blog again, Not-Gay Tony is out hoodie-shopping, Stephen is still training for his big 5K. Carlos said… wait, I wrote it down… oh, here it is. Ummmm… can’t read my own writing. It either says ‘f*ck off and die’ or ‘f*ck off and diet.’”

“Hmmmmm, it’s gonna be a light meeting, I guess,” said Jack. “Well, not a ‘light’ meeting, but you know what I mean.”

“By the way, I’ve got to leave early today for trivia.”

“For what?” asked Jack.

“Ummmmmm… dentist appointment,” replied Tricia.

Well, before you leave, what’s the status of all those applications we received?” asked Jack. “Keeven, Phil, Doug, Joe, Ron, Josh, Roder, Foolsfitness, Stages of Change, Big in Okinawa. I saw all their paperwork sitting on your desk this morning.”

“I… ummm… filed them,” smiled Tricia. “That’s showing some initiative and spunk, huh?”

“Yeah,” replied Jack. “Especially considering we don’t have any file cabinets. Where did you file them?”

“In my mind, Jack. In my mind.”

Suddenly, Fat Daddy entered the room, completely drenched in sweat. It took several minutes of heavy panting before he was able to speak.

“Still… don’t… know… why the elevator… doesn’t work… without special key,” panted Fat Daddy.

“C’mon, FD,” said Jack. “It’s just 25 floors.”

“When am I…,” wheezed Fat Daddy. “Gonna get a key?”

“This is about the transformational power of exercise,” smiled Jack, putting a friendly hand on Fat Daddy’s shoulder.

“Well,” exclaimed FD. “There’s something you’re really want to see down on the first floor in the conference room.”

“You head on back then,” said Jack. “I need to tell Tricia something that, quite frankly, is beyond your security clearance level.”

“Well, at least it’s down the stairs this time,” sighed Fat Daddy. “But hurry… it’s quite urgent.”

“Okay, okay,” nodded Jack. “I’ll probably beat you down there anyway.”

Fat Daddy shrugged, gathered himself then slowly headed toward the stairwell.

“What’s so important that you gotta tell me in private,” asked Tricia. “That you got the hots for me?”

“No, I need you to go fetch me my elevator key that’s in my desk drawer,” said Jack.

“The snack drawer?” asked Tricia.

“The left drawer,” answered Jack.

“The candy drawer?”

“The lower left drawer,” said Jack.

“Gotcha,” winked Tricia, and hurried into Jack’s executive office for the key.

A few minutes later, they met Fat Daddy in the League conference room.

“Now what’s so important that you had to…” started Jack, but he immediately clammed up when he saw the scene in front of him.

TOM was laid out on the table, completely soaked in blood.

“Is he dead?” asked Jack.

“I don’t think so,” said Fat Daddy. “I’ve got Downsizing Doc’s number on my cell phone, but I left it upstairs.”

“Well, hurry up and call,” commanded Jack. “This could be life or death.”

“Ahem,” said Fat Daddy. “Could I have the elevator key?”

“What part of ‘the transformational power of exercise’ did you not understand, Fat Daddy?” snapped Jack.

Sighing, Fat Daddy limped off towards the stairs.

“What we have here is a mystery,” said Tricia.

“What we have here,” corrected Jack, rubbing his chin slowly with his fingers. “Is a cliffhanger ending...”

TO BE CONTINUED…
this afternoon

I’m Sorry, Ray Charles

Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you talk back–do more, do more, do more, do more.
Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you talk back– do more.
What you say?
Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you talk back no more, do more, do more, do more.
Hit the weights Jack and don't you talk back–do more.

Woah, woman, oh woman, don't treat me so mean,
You're the meanest personal trainer that I've ever seen.
I guess if you say so,
I have to pack ma gym bag and go. (Right now)

Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you lose track–one more, one more, one more, one more.
Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you lose track–one more.
What you say?
Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you lose track–one more, one more, one more, one more.
Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you lose track–one more.

Well lady, listen lady, don't ya treat me like I’m strange.
Just because I pay for personal training in change.
If you keep making me do lunges fifty-five times,
I’m gonna keep paying you in nickels and dimes.
But, I guess if you say so,
I'll have to pack my gym bag and go. (Right now)

Hit the weights, Jack, and don't you talk smack–do more, do more, do more, do more.
Hit the weights Jack and don't you talk smack– do more.
What you say?
Hit the weights Jack and then come back some more, some more, some more, some more.
Hit the weights Jack and then come back for more.

* * *

Well, started the weight training like I said I would. For some reason, the weights all seemed heavier than they were last time I did it.

And those big muscle-head dudes don’t seem to have much of a sense of humor. Like when I asked one of them to spot me… five bucks.

And the looks they gave me when I was doing my set of curls with the little pink dumbbells…

Oh well. Back for more pain today.

x

I’m Sorry, Bobby McFerrin

Here’s a little blog I penned,
You might want to read it well, my friend.
Don’t worry, eat healthy.
If your weight has caused you stress.
Eating badly and in excess.
Don't worry, eat healthy.

Ain't got no veggies on your plate?
Feel like you’re carrying too much weight?
Don't worry, eat healthy.
Trouble eating all your fruit?
Those Fiber One bars making you toot?
Don't worry, eat healthy.
Look at me I’m healthy.
Don't worry, eat healthy.
Here I give you my blog address…
When you hungry, visit me.
I make you laugh and be healthy.
Don't worry, eat healthy.

Ain’t got no ups, you just got downs.
Stick with me, and we’ll lose those pounds.
Don’t worry, eat healthy.
Cause when you do it
I think you’ll find,
You’ll see a little less on your behind.
Eat healthy, be happy.

Games for the Weight Loss Crowd

Been in my “Weird Al” mode all week it seems and hadn’t farted out a stupid list. Shame on me!

• Fatgammon
• Crazy 8 Too Much
• Weightzee
• Gobbleoboly
• Hungry, Hungry Me-O
• Buttership
• Cribbinge
• Pai Chow
• Scrabbled Egg Whites
• Sorry (I Ate That Can of Frosting)
• Chutes and Ladles
• Sugar-Free Candyland
• Chinese Chicken Checkers
• Munch Trap
• Lap-Band Operation
• Twistler
• Hi Ho! Chubby-O
• Bloggerdash
• Jenga with Jillian
• Old Fat Maid
• Trouble (with Chocolate)
  
• No Clue
• SwallOthello
• Weighty Pursuit
• Carb-nect Four
• Pigtionary
• Scale-agories
• Lite Life
  
• Macaroni & Parcheesi
• Belly Boggle
• Stratego Get Something to Eat

I’m Sorry, Tammy Wynette…

Sometimes it's hard to be at weigh-in.
Giving all you can to lose some weight.
You'll have bad times,
And you’ll have worse times,
Eatin’ things you know you shouldn’t have ate.
But you can diet,
I mean, really try it,
Though it’s been hard since you began.
And if you love ham,
Just please don’t eat ham
Cause, after all, it’s not on your plan.

Stand on your scale.
Write down the weight it says to.
Hope it gives you something warm to cling to
When meals are cold and pointless.

Stand on your scale,
And tell your blog what you weigh.
Keep giving it all, you’re doing swell.
Stand on your scale.

Ba bum bummm bummmmm

Stand on your scale,
And show the world you’re tryin’.
Keep giving all, keep giving hell.
Stand on your scale.

Does This Interview Make Me Sound Fat?

Sean Anderson of The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser interviewed me the other day for his internet radio doodad, which wasn't entirely fair because he sounds like a radio talk dude and I sound like a doofus (thanks for using your engineering magic to give me a hillbilly accent, Sean!). Anyway, it's up and running here. While you're there, check out his story (if you haven't already). He's definitely one of a kind.