Thursday, November 26, 2009

My Secret Plan for the Holiday...



Actually, I was just gonna leave today's post at that, but the marvelous MizFit inspired me to work up a list of memorized phrases to help people get through Thanksgiving dinner without overdoing it:
  • “Sorry, my tapeworm won’t allow me to eat pumpkin pie.”
  • “My religion forbids cranberry sauce.”
  • “No thanks. I happen to know that Cousin Jimmy licked all the rolls before dinner.”
  • “My doctor informed me that even one slice of pecan pie will make my spleen explode.”
  • “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”
  • “That stuffing looks delicious but it brings back hurtful memories of that fraternity hazing incident that’s too painful for me to talk about…”
  • “I’m allergic to second helpings.”
  • “I don’t think so. Dad always buys his turkeys from some dude who sells them out of the trunk of his Grand Am along with bootleg DVDs…”
  • “I yam not gonna have any of those marshmallowy sweet potatoes, thank you very much.”
  • “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…”
  • “Do you have any diet wine?”
  • “No thanks… I had giblets for breakfast this morning.”
  • “No green bean casserole for me this year; I’m showing my support for the plight of Chillean green bean farmers.”
  • “No thanks. I saw Grandma spit into the mashed potatoes while she was making them.”

Happy holidays from the entire Sh*t family.


19 comments:

  1. happy thanksgiving to you!!!!! ( am i allowed to say that as a brit?!)

    NO FOOD COMA!!!

    xxx

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  2. I'm certain there's an Egg Foo Young joke to be made here, I'm just having trouble coming up with it.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

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  3. hehe Watching and Weighting, as long as Jack here gets to wish you a lovely Boxing day!
    Love your posts Jack, wow you write well and you are totally my first morning laugh these days!
    Am working on memorizing a few, cos I'll need them! Happy Thanksgiving, Sh*t family x

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  4. Happy Thanksgiving! And thanks for the very large reminder of how to approach my day of eats today :)

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  5. OH YEAH, loving this post!!!! Me, I just say NO! If I don't want it, I don't eat it!!! So glad all my family & friends are used to me & I don't have to explain!!!! :-) If all else fails, I can tell then that all this stuff makes me fart.... OMG, did I just say that??!!!

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  6. Happy Thanksgiving Jack, Even though I am not celebreating today (we had ours last month) I am thankful that you blog and keep me laughing!

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  7. Thanks! I was looking for some excuses for today!
    Happy Thanksgiving!

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  8. HAHA! Love it, as usual! Happy Thanksgiving Jack! :)

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  9. “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”

    I'm totally using that...and it's not even thanksgiving up here. :) Have a great thsnksgiving with your family.

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  10. I love the list Jack, especially the tapeworm one. :-) I may use that today.

    Have a great Thanksgiving Day today!

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  11. lmao...I am supporting chilean green bean farmers, it reminds me of when I was fourteen and read a peta magazine about pigs and I decided I could no longer eat meat.
    I just remember my uncle richard looking at me and saying..It's not a pig, it's a turkey...
    I got over my fear of meat....lol.
    Now I am people eating tasty animals
    chris
    a deliberate life

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  12. “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…” LOL!

    I was a really picky child and didn't like a lot of the traditional Thanksgiving food, such as gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole... So now it's easy for me to turn it down because I still don't like it a whole lot, and people don't get offended.

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  13. Happy T-day, Jack. Love the list, but the first is the best. DON"T EAT TOO MUCH!!

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  14. Fabulous list - I just might use some of these! Happy Thanksgiving!

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  15. Love it! Thanks for the laughter my friend. Needed that!

    my best

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  16. *laughs* I sent this to my friends and they loved it *S*
    Keep up the great great motivation Jack!!

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  17. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  18. Happy Thanksgiving Jack! I laughed at your comment on my blog today. What?? You don't want seven kids? Honestly, I wish I had a few more!

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  19. I'll try thinking of excuses not to eat too much ham and other whatnots for the holidays. Or I might just modify these for Christmas dinners. Very funny!

    -Denise

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