Thursday, November 26, 2009

My Secret Plan for the Holiday...

Actually, I was just gonna leave today's post at that, but the marvelous MizFit inspired me to work up a list of memorized phrases to help people get through Thanksgiving dinner without overdoing it:
  • “Sorry, my tapeworm won’t allow me to eat pumpkin pie.”
  • “My religion forbids cranberry sauce.”
  • “No thanks. I happen to know that Cousin Jimmy licked all the rolls before dinner.”
  • “My doctor informed me that even one slice of pecan pie will make my spleen explode.”
  • “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”
  • “That stuffing looks delicious but it brings back hurtful memories of that fraternity hazing incident that’s too painful for me to talk about…”
  • “I’m allergic to second helpings.”
  • “I don’t think so. Dad always buys his turkeys from some dude who sells them out of the trunk of his Grand Am along with bootleg DVDs…”
  • “I yam not gonna have any of those marshmallowy sweet potatoes, thank you very much.”
  • “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…”
  • “Do you have any diet wine?”
  • “No thanks… I had giblets for breakfast this morning.”
  • “No green bean casserole for me this year; I’m showing my support for the plight of Chillean green bean farmers.”
  • “No thanks. I saw Grandma spit into the mashed potatoes while she was making them.”

Happy holidays from the entire Sh*t family.


  1. happy thanksgiving to you!!!!! ( am i allowed to say that as a brit?!)



  2. I'm certain there's an Egg Foo Young joke to be made here, I'm just having trouble coming up with it.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

  3. hehe Watching and Weighting, as long as Jack here gets to wish you a lovely Boxing day!
    Love your posts Jack, wow you write well and you are totally my first morning laugh these days!
    Am working on memorizing a few, cos I'll need them! Happy Thanksgiving, Sh*t family x

  4. Happy Thanksgiving! And thanks for the very large reminder of how to approach my day of eats today :)

  5. OH YEAH, loving this post!!!! Me, I just say NO! If I don't want it, I don't eat it!!! So glad all my family & friends are used to me & I don't have to explain!!!! :-) If all else fails, I can tell then that all this stuff makes me fart.... OMG, did I just say that??!!!

  6. Happy Thanksgiving Jack, Even though I am not celebreating today (we had ours last month) I am thankful that you blog and keep me laughing!

  7. Thanks! I was looking for some excuses for today!
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  8. HAHA! Love it, as usual! Happy Thanksgiving Jack! :)

  9. “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”

    I'm totally using that...and it's not even thanksgiving up here. :) Have a great thsnksgiving with your family.

  10. I love the list Jack, especially the tapeworm one. :-) I may use that today.

    Have a great Thanksgiving Day today!

  11. lmao...I am supporting chilean green bean farmers, it reminds me of when I was fourteen and read a peta magazine about pigs and I decided I could no longer eat meat.
    I just remember my uncle richard looking at me and saying..It's not a pig, it's a turkey...
    I got over my fear of
    Now I am people eating tasty animals
    a deliberate life

  12. “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…” LOL!

    I was a really picky child and didn't like a lot of the traditional Thanksgiving food, such as gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole... So now it's easy for me to turn it down because I still don't like it a whole lot, and people don't get offended.

  13. Happy T-day, Jack. Love the list, but the first is the best. DON"T EAT TOO MUCH!!

  14. Fabulous list - I just might use some of these! Happy Thanksgiving!

  15. Love it! Thanks for the laughter my friend. Needed that!

    my best

  16. *laughs* I sent this to my friends and they loved it *S*
    Keep up the great great motivation Jack!!

  17. Happy Thanksgiving Jack! I laughed at your comment on my blog today. What?? You don't want seven kids? Honestly, I wish I had a few more!

  18. I'll try thinking of excuses not to eat too much ham and other whatnots for the holidays. Or I might just modify these for Christmas dinners. Very funny!




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