My Secret Plan for the Holiday...

Actually, I was just gonna leave today's post at that, but the marvelous MizFit inspired me to work up a list of memorized phrases to help people get through Thanksgiving dinner without overdoing it:

• “Sorry, my tapeworm won’t allow me to eat pumpkin pie.”
• “My religion forbids cranberry sauce.”
• “No thanks. I happen to know that Cousin Jimmy licked all the rolls before dinner.”
• “My doctor informed me that even one slice of pecan pie will make my spleen explode.”
• “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”
• “That stuffing looks delicious but it brings back hurtful memories of that fraternity hazing incident that’s too painful for me to talk about…”
• “I’m allergic to second helpings.”
• “I don’t think so. Dad always buys his turkeys from some dude who sells them out of the trunk of his Grand Am along with bootleg DVDs…”
• “I yam not gonna have any of those marshmallowy sweet potatoes, thank you very much.”
• “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…”
• “Do you have any diet wine?”
• “No thanks… I had giblets for breakfast this morning.”
• “No green bean casserole for me this year; I’m showing my support for the plight of Chillean green bean farmers.”
• “No thanks. I saw Grandma spit into the mashed potatoes while she was making them.”

Happy holidays from the entire Sh*t family.