The Real First Thanksgiving

A long, long time ago the Pilgrims caused quite a commotion,

By telling England to kiss their ass and sailing across the ocean.

Their ship was called the “Mayflower.” They called it that because

It was a better name that “Miserable Dank Smelly Deathtrap” was.

The group had been out a’sailin’ for around ten months or so,

But decided to make for land when their snacks were runnin’ low.

They made land in a spot they voted to call Plymouth Rock

(because an old Plymouth was parked there, one tire on a block).

They had been persecuted heavily in the land that they had departed,

But here in this brave new world, a new life they all started.

The Pilgrims were intent on making a home out of this little patch they carved out.

But after a few weeks their supplies were gone, and they were nearly starved out.

Yes, the Pilgrims were eating nothing more than dirt and sand and fescue.

But then some friendly Indians (ahem, Native Americans) came running to their rescue.

A pact between these native folks and the hungry Pilgrims was born.

That Spring they even helped in clearing land and planting corn.

They taught them how to cook real well; they shared their recipes

(unfortunately most of the dishes were fried and smothered in melted cheese).

By Autumn, all the Pilgrims’waistlines had seen a big increase.

They found that almost all of them had grown to be obese.

Soon the Pilgrims were so fat that their Pilgrim clothes no longer fit.

Luckily, they met an Indian that wanted to help: his name was Samosh*t.

“I once big and fat like you,” Samosh*t told the Pilgrim crew.

“But me lost 80 pounds,” he said. “And you can do it, too.”

He showed them ways to exercise, he helped them plan good meals.

He tried to share with them the way that healthy living feels.

And when he left to go back home to check on Dip, his dog.

He made them all promise to follow his weight-loss smoke signal blog.

The Pilgrims got their act together and started eating less.

They kept at it for months and saw considerable success.

They invited Samosh*t back so they could have a celebration,

To pay him back for helping them on their road to salvation.

They all got dressed up in their formal black suits and skirts

They had plenty of healthy dishes, as well as tasty low-fat desserts.

They all ate well, but by “ate well,” I mean they didn’t stuff their faces.

And after the meal, they jumped and played and ran some relay races.

Since they were giving thanks, they decided to call this day “Thanksgiving.”

Because as names go, it made for a better one than “Healthyliving.”