Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Real First Thanksgiving

A long, long time ago the Pilgrims caused quite a commotion,

By telling England to kiss their ass and sailing across the ocean.

Their ship was called the “Mayflower.” They called it that because

It was a better name that “Miserable Dank Smelly Deathtrap” was.

The group had been out a’sailin’ for around ten months or so,

But decided to make for land when their snacks were runnin’ low.

They made land in a spot they voted to call Plymouth Rock

(because an old Plymouth was parked there, one tire on a block).

They had been persecuted heavily in the land that they had departed,

But here in this brave new world, a new life they all started.

The Pilgrims were intent on making a home out of this little patch they carved out.

But after a few weeks their supplies were gone, and they were nearly starved out.

Yes, the Pilgrims were eating nothing more than dirt and sand and fescue.

But then some friendly Indians (ahem, Native Americans) came running to their rescue.

A pact between these native folks and the hungry Pilgrims was born.

That Spring they even helped in clearing land and planting corn.

They taught them how to cook real well; they shared their recipes

(unfortunately most of the dishes were fried and smothered in melted cheese).

By Autumn, all the Pilgrims’waistlines had seen a big increase.

They found that almost all of them had grown to be obese.

Soon the Pilgrims were so fat that their Pilgrim clothes no longer fit.

Luckily, they met an Indian that wanted to help: his name was Samosh*t.

“I once big and fat like you,” Samosh*t told the Pilgrim crew.

“But me lost 80 pounds,” he said. “And you can do it, too.”

He showed them ways to exercise, he helped them plan good meals.

He tried to share with them the way that healthy living feels.

And when he left to go back home to check on Dip, his dog.

He made them all promise to follow his weight-loss smoke signal blog.

The Pilgrims got their act together and started eating less.

They kept at it for months and saw considerable success.

They invited Samosh*t back so they could have a celebration,

To pay him back for helping them on their road to salvation.

They all got dressed up in their formal black suits and skirts

They had plenty of healthy dishes, as well as tasty low-fat desserts.

They all ate well, but by “ate well,” I mean they didn’t stuff their faces.

And after the meal, they jumped and played and ran some relay races.

Since they were giving thanks, they decided to call this day “Thanksgiving.”

Because as names go, it made for a better one than “Healthyliving.”


  1. Loving this little gem!!!!!!! Happy one to you! I know you will fair well! Me too. Will eat my healthy stuff & I have planned for a treat for me.. and I also exercise turkey day morn!


  2. You are so talented Mr. Shit head! Btw thanks for always making me laugh from your comments on my blog!
    Happy turkey day!

  3. love it!! haha, the smoke signal blog was my favorite part. :-)

    have a great thanksgiving tomorrow!

  4. I love the smoke signals....that is what I'm going to be reduced to this parents have dial up! That's the same as smoke signals right??

  5. LOL!! I think I will retell this story at the Thanksgiving table tomorrow :)

    Have a great holiday!

  6. Love this, lol! Thanks for the early Thanksgiving treat!

  7. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours Jack. As always, thanks for all you do for us.

  8. Happy Thanksgiving, Jack.

  9. seriously, smoke signal blog?!


    Have a great Thanksgiving!

    and thank you for always having great entries!

  10. The pilgrims might have binged, but they purged as well. There were more fast days than feast days on the Pilgram calender.

    And, don't forget the natural fast of the Winter in those days. It's hard to eat when there's no food around.

  11. Love it, Happy Thanksgiving Jack.

    Your support is one of the things I'm thankful for this year. Love this community!

  12. Happiest Thanksgiving, Jack Samosh*t!

  13. I love this Jack! I'm going to read it to my kids!! (Well, most of it!)

  14. Too Funny! I love your humor! Have a great Thanksgiving.

  15. priceless! Loved every line!
    Have a happy Thanksgiving! (ahem "Healthy living")

  16. Awesome Jack.

    Thanks for the comment on my blog too. I actually agree with you about the "what's more romantic, in the broader sense, than changing our lives in real, significant, positive ways" things Guess I can safely qualify 3:00am as not my best blogging hour. I almost want to change some of the blog to correct a few "too-tired" logic errors, but meh, its what I felt when I wrote it and thus true enough for what the blog is supposed to be about.

    Anyway, enough about me. As it is Thanksgiving we're approaching, I'll note that I am truly thankful for your always insightful comments on mine and others blogs, and of course for all the amazing, versatile posts you deliver so often.

    I hope you have an excellent holiday my friend.

  17. Happy Turkey Day Jack! :) GOBBLE GOBBLE! :)

  18. Thank you samosh*t, and your little dog too....for as long as you have him....
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

  19. One of your best---This right here, absolutely wonderful Jack.
    I'm printing this off to share with everyone at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Surely I'm not the only one who will be doing that.
    Your check is in the mail... and by that I mean: Thank you.

  20. Fescue? Lol!

    What a great Thanksgiving post.

  21. Have a lovely holiday - with plenty of healthy living!

    Bearfriend xx

  22. Happy Thanksgiving...even if you do have it over a month late... *whistles* :-D

  23. You have a real talent, Jack. By the way... FESCUE????! Awesome word!

    Happy Healthyliving!

  24. Hehehe. Hope you have a great thanksgiving!! :)

  25. What an interesting take on Thankgiving!

  26. Hahah, so that's how Thanksgiving went down.

    FYI - I would love to share.

  27. Haven't been keeping up with blogs this week, and you know why, but I popped in just to say thank you for leaving a comment on my last post. Then I read your post...Samosh*t...sereiously was the very first time I've laughed out loud in a week. Thank you for that. :)

  28. Bravo! I was just discussing the Christmas menu with my mom yesterday and I realized I didn't want ANY of that stuff... I'm going to show up with my own food!

  29. ha! I had to google 'fescue' to find out what it is ;-)

    great post :-)

  30. This was great. I had and awful and upsetting experience on thanksgiving, which is why I am still awake at 2am. Geesh!

    Anyway, I knew I could count on a few laughs if I visited here. You never disappoint us! Bless your heart.



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