Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Mizard of Miz (Part 2 of 6)

Dina was slogging (slow-ass jogging) along the Yellow Fit Road when she was stopped dead by the foul aroma of defecation. Rikko her ferret began gagging and choking.

“Why, hello there!” said a tall scarecrow hanging by the side of the road. “Sorry about the stench. The brainless farmer that owns this field didn’t have any straw when he stuffed me.”

“So you’re full of sh*t?” asked Dina.

“That’s what everybody tells me,” he replied.

“So does that keep the crows away?”

“It keeps everybody away,” he answered. “Hi, I’m Jack the Sh*tcrow.”

“So," said Dina. “Do many folks journey down this Yellow Fit Road?”

“Well,” replied Jack. “A lot of people start off on it, then get discouraged or have setbacks and wander off course.”

“I can’t imagine why,” sneered Dina.

“I try to encourage them,” smiled Jack. “I tell ‘em that it may be long and tortuous and it may be a constant uphill climb, but at least they’ll be doing it for the rest of their lives.”

“And that doesn’t cheer them up? Go figure…”

“You know,” said Jack. “I can tell just by looking at you that you’ve put up with a lot of sh*t in your life…”

“And how...”

“So,” continued Jack. “Maybe you wouldn’t mind helping me down from up here…”

Holding her breath, Dina unhooked Jack from the post he was hanging on.

“I’ve got a really bad idea,” said Dina once she had the scarecrow down. “Why don’t you come see the Mizard with me?”

“The Mizard?” asked Jack, a puzzled expression on his face.

“Yeah, female wizard,” nodded Dina. “Queer, I know.”

“Can she give me some straw?” asked Jack.

“I hear she can do anything,” answered Dina, picking up Rikko and stroking his back.

“Damn,” said Jack. “I’m so excited I’m going to have to get my sing on…”

Jack: I wouldn’t while away the hours,
Maybe stop and smell the flowers
Or good deeds I’d commit.
Maybe people would stop yellin’
every time they were a smellin’
If I wasn’t so full of sh*t.

Dina: Big thoughts you could be thinkin'
If you weren’t so busy stinkin’
Cuz you’re really full of sh*t.

Jack: Oh, I.........
Wouldn’t be so shy.
Wouldn’t be unsure anymore.
My own aroma I think I could ignore,
Because I'd sit, and stink no more.
I could earn a couple of degrees
If my head weren’t full of feces,
My heart all full of grit.
I would give a big shoutout,
Wouldn’t smell just like an outhouse,
If I wasn’t full of sh*t.

“Well,” said Dina, picking up her basket of supplies and setting the ferret back on the Yellow Fit Road. “You can come with us as long as you stay downwind from me and Rikko.”

“You got it, Dina!” smiled Jack.


We’re off to see the Mizard,
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.
We’ll find she is a fitness whiz.
Yes, that’s the kind of a whiz she is.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there is,
The Mizard of Miz is the best one there is.
She is, she is, she is, she is, she is.
Because she’s simply the best in the biz.
We’re off to see the Mizard.
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

“Downwind,” yelled Dina. “Downwind!”


  1. Oh my word.... lmao

    How will this saga pan out?! I can't wait!

  2. Just exactly the type of thing I hope to read about while eating my peanut butter toast. Thanks. :/

  3. I totally just spit up my oatmeal. OMG the Sh*tcrow and slogging. Love the pic too.

  4. LOVE IT!!! Ok.. i have to meet Dina now..

  5. 'Slogging' is now my Word of the Day! :o)

  6. LOL Thanks for the morning laugh. You are too clever for your own good. :-)

  7. Slogging...so that is what I've been doing! Silly me was trying to pass that off as actual 'jogging' but now I know better.

    Can't wait 'til tomorrow!

  8. OMG that is the funniest blog post I think I have ever read, genius! Thanks for the laugh :)

  9. Between the slogging and the sh*tcrow, you've made my morning. Can't wait to see how this one is resolved. :)

  10. you really should let her have her boobs back.

  11. Sooo...any plans to write a book? I'd buy it! :o)

    I'd feel like I was stealing if I took a paper from a coffee shop. :o(

  12. jack , you gotta publish man. bloggin is nice but, you could really pay some bills with this talent! and im NOT just 'buttering' you up!

  13. Wow, looks like I have some catching up to do.

  14. I have to downwind a lot due to the foods I eat!!! ;-)

    I had to wait till now to read with my trip into Los Angeles this morn. Worth the wait!!!

  15. LOVE this. SO MUCH. I bet Miz does too.

  16. Just the role I was going to suggest for you, who knew?

  17. Katie, that's me in my Billy Mays costume for Halloween this year. We had a Dead Celebrity party.

  18. Pure crap!!! Love it.

  19. lmao....the funniest and most disgusting thing I've read lately....and ummmm...what's with the billy mays impression? lol.
    I like it Jack, cant wait for part 3.

  20. seriously. what rachel421 said :)

  21. Love it! Yer getting darned close to high-fiving a hobo too, I notice :o)



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