The Mizard of Miz (Part 6 of 6)

“Well, my pretty,” squealed Jillian. “I want to know when you’re going to give me that ruby Body Bugg?”

“Ummm,” said Dina, a confused expression on her face. “I'd like to know why we skipped ahead to this part.”

“Jack said we were running long,” came a voice in the corner. “We’ve got to pick up the pace.”

“Tricia?” exclaimed Dina.

“Hiya, pal,” said Tricia.

“You’re a…. you’re a…”

“Yeah, I’m a flying monkey,” said Tricia. “But hey… it’s more prestigious and pays better than being a secretary for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Quiet!” barked Jillian. “I want that ruby Body Bugg and I want it now.”

“I can’t get it off,” answered Dina. “Plus, you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Jillian cackled and flicked on a nearby TV.

“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “I just put a super-secret death spell on your fat ass. You have until this episode of The Biggest Loser is over to figure out how to get that Body Bugg off or you die.”

“Is this the episode where the rest of them kill Tracy?” asked Tricia excitedly.

“Go round up the other monkeys!” Jillian shrieked at Tricia, who sneered back but eventually slowly flew out the window and toward the flying monkey rec room.

“Now,” said Jillian, turning back to Dina. “I’m going to film a product placement segment. I suggest you find some way to give me what I want.”

Jillian slammed the door behind her, and Dina let out a big sigh. She fiddled with the Body Bugg for a few moments, but soon got absorbed in watching The Biggest Loser.

Outside the wicked bitch’s castle, Ton-Man, Carlos and Jack the Sh*tcrow stared down at a long row of guards who were marching in front of the building.

“I’ve got an idea,” said Ton-Man. “We dress up like guards and sneak into the castle.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” said Jack, who was well aware that the story was running long and really needed to be wrapped up soon. “How about we take this AK-47 I found on the ground and shoot all the guards from right here?”

“What kind of sick bastards do you think we are?” asked Ton-Man.

“Give me that,” said Carlos, who clicked off the safety and opened fire on the guards below. In a few grisly moments, it was all over.

“Well that was incredibly easy,” frowned Ton-Man.

“We just didn’t have the budget for a additional guard costumes,” explained Jack as he got up and made his way toward the castle.

A short while later, Rikko led them to the door of the room where Dina was being kept.

“Hurry!” exclaimed Dina from behind the locked door. “They just started the weigh-in.”

“Don’t worry,” said Carlos. “They’ll have a couple of cliffhangers and twenty or thirty commercials. We’ve got plenty of time.”

“We could make a battering ram,” suggested Jack.

“Out of what?” asked Ton-Man.

“Something big and heavy, maybe,” said Jack.

“Hey, Sh*tlock Holmes,” said Carlos. “Did you try the door?”

Jack tried the knob and opened the door. Rikko rushed in and jumped into Dina’s lap.

“Rikko, you’re safe!” exclaimed Dina.

“We’re fine, too,” said Jack.

“Whatever,” replied Dina. “Let’s get out of here. This has just gone on long enough.”

“Not so fast, my lovelies,” sneered an evil voice.

“Ahhh!” screamed Ton-Man. “The wicked b*tch of the West Coast!”

“Jillian?” asked Carlos, dumbfounded. “I figured it would be Camevil. I mean, her name’s got the word ‘evil’ in, for God’s sake.”

“GIVE ME THE RUBY BODY BUGG RIGHT NOW,” shrieked Jillian. “OR ELSE SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM’S GONNA BE IN DEEP SH*T!”

“You got that right, sister!” exclaimed Jack, throwing a giant bucket of warm, brown glop onto the wicked bitch.

“Ewwwwwwww!” said Carlos, Dina and Ton-Man.

“You think I’m afraid of a little sh*t?” laughed Jillian.

“It’s not sh*t,” smiled Jack. “It’s chocolate pudding.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” screamed Jillian, going beserk. “Do you know how much fat, sugar and calories are in chocolate pudding?”

Screaming like a banshee, Jillian leapt out the window and crashed hard into the courtyard below.

“Don’t worry about her,” said Ton-Man. “She’s too mean to die. But that should put her out of commission for a while.”

The next day, the group was again standing before the Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

You did a halfway decent fantastic job destroying all the bitches of Miz,” she told them. “Now what can I do for you?”

“I’d like some hair,” spoke up Tony.

“Where I come from,” said the Mizard. “Men with hair are constantly worried about it falling out, developing bald spots and turning grey. So here’s this instead…”

“A new hoodie,” smiled Ton-Man. “Thanks, Mizard.”

“A guess a little mojo is out of the question,” asked Carlos.

“Carlos, where I come from there are people who have mojo coming out of their ears, but there’s one thing they don’t have…” said the Mizard, pulling out a silver dish from behind her back.

“A BBQ sandwich and a beer,” laughed Carlos. “You rock, Mizard!”

“What about the fact that I’m full of sh*t?” asked Jack.

“Where I come from, there are a lot of people who are full of sh*t, Jack,” explained the Mizard. “But they have one thing you don’t have. A blog.”

“Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit?” said Jack. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you’re going to be very busy from here on out,” replied the Mizard.

“And what about me?” asked Dina. “I just want to get the hell out of here.”

“You gotta talk to my podcast partner,” smiled the Mizard, and suddenly the Dietgirl floated down from above in her magic bubble.

“Shaunda the Good?” frowned Dina. “Are you gotta be kiddin’ me?”

“That’s right, Dina,” smiled Shaunda. “Didn’t see that coming, did you?”

“It’s the ruby Body Bugg, right?” asked Dina.

“Of course,” replied Shaunda. “Just press the button there that says ‘HOME’ and say ‘There’s no place like Pseduogout. There’s no place like Pseudogout.’

When she opened her eyes, Dina was back in the store where a surly cashier was telling her that the Blue Light Special had expired and the ferret shampoo was now back at full price.

“Well, Rikko” said Dina. “I think we learned a valuable lesson on this mad-cap adventure: K-Mart sucks!”

- THE END -

The Mizard of Miz (Part 5 of 6)

After a two-week hiatus in the Poppy Fields, the gang (Dina Gail, Ton-Man, Jack the Sh*tcrow and Carlos the Cowardly Liar) finally made their way into the city of Miz. They knew that they were in the city of Miz because of the song the inhabitants were singing to them…

Ah - ah - ah, Ow - ow - ow -
And a little wah – wah - whiz.
That's how we exercise the day away,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Run – run – run, jog- jog- jog -
And a glass of low-cal fizz.
That's how the misfits all get fit,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

We get up at six and work out til half past one.
And make sure and do some stretching when we’re done.
Jolly good fun!

Ah - ah - ah, Ow - ow - ow -
And a little wah – wah - whiz.
That's how we exercise the day away,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Veg, veg here, fruit, fruit there,
And a little protein like this.
That's how we keep so young and fair
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

Work out here, work out there,
No matter where you is.
That's how we keep you in good shape
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

We can turn your love handles into nice lean mass.
Can you even take the dimples off my ass? Uh-huh!
Jolly good lass!

Poke, poke here, rub, rub there,
We’ll work you into a tizz.
Your whole entourage can get a massage,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Ah - ah - ah, Ow - ow - ow -
And a little wah – wah - whiz.
That's how we exercise the day away,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Run – run – run, jog- jog- jog -
And a glass of low-cal fizz.
That's how the misfits all get fit,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

“Look,” said Carlos. “I love me a good gay sing-song as much as the next guy, but I’ve got places to be…”

“The Cowardly Liar is right,” said Sh*tcrow Jack. “We really ought to see about seeing the Miz.

“I swear,” exclaimed Carlos, turning on Jack. “If you call me the Cowardly Liar again, I’m going to kick the sh*t outta you.”

“Look,” said the Ton-Man. “This looks like it might be it.”

“Halt! said the Royal Guard at the door, who just happened to be Alan from Foolsfitness. “Who goes there?”

“We came to see the Mizard,” said Dina.

“Well, Foolsfitness reminds you that ‘life’ itself is the buffet table. It’s all you can eat…and…”

“Alan, we talked about this,” whispered Jack. “You said if I gave you a part in this thing, you wouldn’t go rogue on me.”

“You didn’t tell me it was such a small part,” sneered Alan.

“There are no small parts,” said Jack. “Only small actors.”

“Ha, ha,” laughed Carlos. “You’ve got a small part.”

“Okay, Chunky-Style!” said Alan, getting up in Carlos’ face. “Why don’t you and your pals go see the Mizard right now? I’m gonna love seeing this… she’s gonna run you folks ragged.”

With a slight feeling of trepidation, the travelers walked down the long corridor towards the throne room.

“You okay, Jack?” asked the Ton-Man. “You smell even worse than usual.”

“I might have crapped myself a little,” admitted Jack.

“C’mon,” urged Dina. “The sooner we find the Mizard, the sooner we can get back to our lives.”

“Yeah, I need to get back to the gym,” said the Ton-Man. “I’ve only done two workouts today.”

“Freak!” muttered Carlos and Jack together.

Suddenly, they encountered a ginormous glowing head that spoke with a loud and stern voice.

“WHO DARES DISTURB THE FIT AND TERRIBLE MIZ?”

“Okay,” said Dina. “I guess we really should have expected something like this…”

“BOW BEFORE THE GREAT AND MARVELOUS MIZ.”

“I ain’t bowing to a big fat, glowing head,” said Carlos.

“BOW, DUMBASS.”

Everyone, looking a little uncomfortable and out of place, eventually bowed before the floating image.

“NOW… HOW ABOUT A FEW JUMPING JACKS?”

Ton-Man immediately started doing jumping jacks, and soon the entire group was working up a sweat.

“ALRIGHT, NOW LET’S RUN IN PLACE FOR A FEW MINUTES.”

“We… shoulda… stayed…. in… poppy… field,” grunted Carlos.

“NOW SOME PUSH-UPS… THAT’S IT… NO, JACK, NOT GIRL PUSH-UPS.”

“Not… girl… pushups,” groaned Jack. “They’re…lady…pushups.”

“NO, NO, NO… I WANT TO SEE YOU… OMG… IS THAT A RAT?

“Rikko?” exclaimed Dina, calling for her pet ferret. “Where are you, Rikko?”

“Somebody get this hairy bastard adorable pet off my leg!” said a fit woman wearing workout togs and a brightly-colored doo-rag and kicking at Rikko.

“That’s the damdest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Carlos. “How’d she say that cross-through thing?”

“Why did you bring a crazy rat up in herre and… hey, you’re the crazy chick that dropped a house on Bitch Cakes, aren’t you?”

“Excuse me,” said Dina, rolling her eyes. “It was a K-Mart.”

“Yeah, yeah,” smiled the Mizard. “Whatever it was, nice work snuffing out that crazy bitch notable blogging star.”

“Don't mention it,” said Dina.

“Well, you did me a solid,” said the Mizard. “If there’s ever anything I can do to return the favor, just say the word. ”

“Well, since you did mention it,” said Dina. “We’ve all got some special requests…”

“Okay, look,” said the Mizard. “I’ve got a deal for you. I can get you all what you want, but you gotta do one big little thing for me…”

x

The Mizard of Miz (Part 4 of 6)

Early the next morning, Dina, Jack and the Ton-Man were making fairly good time as they made their way down the Yellow Fit Road.

“I said to get downwind from me, you smelly sh*tcrow!” yelled the Ton-Man, shoving Jack back.

“Well, you don’t have to be so mean, you mean meanie,” exclaimed Jack. “What is it, Dina?”

“Do you hear crying?” asked Dina.

“Weren’t we supposed to do the ‘Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My’ song?” asked Ton-Man.

“We’ve gone way over budget,” said Jack. “Look, over there. A giant hairy dude crying like a baby.”

“Yeah, I heard he lived around here,” said the Ton-Man, nodding his head. “It’s the Cowardly Liar.”

“Oh hell no!” said Carlos, drying his eyes. “I let you rag on me in that League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen series, but I’m not participating in this travesty. No way. No how.”

“So you say you’re looking for some mojo?” asked Dina.

“What?” asked Carlos, a confused expression on his face. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Well,” said Ton-Man. “Maybe the Miz can give you some mojo and get your weight-loss journey back on track.”

“What the f*ck are you talking about?” asked Carlos. “Is that you, Dina? I had a fantasy about you in a Dorothy costume one time, but now you’re gone and ruined it forever.”

“I’m sure the Miz could help find your lost mojo,” smiled Jack.

“Look, stinkwad,” barked Carlos, poking the sh*tcrow in the chest with his finger. “I said I’m not a part of this, and I meant it.”

“We’ve just got to cross the Poppy Fields and we’ll be there,” said Jack.

“Poppy fields?” smiled Carlos. “Okay, I’m in.”

We’re off to see the Mizard,
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.
We’ll find she is a fitness whiz.
Yes, that’s the kind of a whiz she is.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there is,
The Mizard of Miz is the best one there is.
She is, she is, she is, she is, she is.
Because she’s simply the best in the biz.
We’re off to see the Mizard.
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

x

The Mizard of Miz (Part 3 of 6)

Dina Gail and Jack the Sh*tcrow were in reasonably good spirits until they found themselves in The Incredibly Creepy Forest.

“There’s something about this place that stinks worse than you do, Jack,” said Dina apprehensively.

“Oh, there’s nothing to worry about until it gets dark,” smiled Jack. “That’s when the killer vampire bats come out.”

“It’s already dark, dumbass!” shouted Dina.

“DON’T YELL!” screamed Jack. “THAT’S HOW THEY FIND YOU.”

Suddenly, the night air was filled with the beating of leathery wings. Hundreds of killer vampire bats circled above the travelers.

“DON’T WORRY!” yelled Jack. THEY WON’T BITE US. THEY DON’T LIKE THE TASTE OF POO!”

“I’m not full of crap like you, Sh*t-for-brains,” said Dina, swinging her basket of empty burger wrappers and juice boxes to fend off the rabid bats.

Then, a blinding white light flooded the forest. The intense flash spooked the hoard of bats and sent them scurrying away.

As Dina, Rikko and Jack stood in the road, trembling, a short, clanking figure slowly moved toward them.

“Five bucks says he’s made of tin,” said Dina.

“Hi,” said the hoodie-clad bodybuilder. “Some people call me the Anti-Jared, but you can just call me the Ton-Man.”

“Ton-Man?” asked Jack.

“Yeah, short for Tony. Sorry about that light. I accidentally shined my flashlight off my head.”

The Ton-Man pushed back the top of his hoodie to reveal a completely bald head. He noticed Dina and Jack’s uncomfortable looks and proceeded to burst out in song…

When a man's an empty hoodie,
He shouldn’t be uneasy, should he?
And yet I just don’t care.
I wouldn’t be such a screwball.
Wouldn’t look just like a cueball,
If I only had some hair.

I'd be tender, I'd be easy.
Never let it get all greasy.
I’d see a stylist named Pierre.
I wouldn’t pull, dye or dull it.
Wouldn’t wear it in a mullet,
If I only had some hair.

Picture me a balcony,
Below a voice sings well.

(Prince)
Throw down your hair, Rapunzel.

(Ton-Man)
I have long locks… that rocks!

I would be on a true mission,
I’d shampoo and I’d condition,
And live my life with flair.
I wouldn’t take any mo’ flack.
Co-workers wouldn’t call me Kojak,
If I only had some hair.


“Miz?” Dina asked Jack.

“Miz!” smiled Jack. “The Miz can totally get you some hair, dude.”

“You’re full of sh*t,” said the Ton-Man.

“It’s true,” confirmed Dina. “She’s very powerful.”

“No, I mean he really smells bad.”

“Yeah, just keep him downwind,” said Dina.

We’re off to see the Mizard,
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.
We’ll find she is a fitness whiz.
Yes, that’s the kind of a whiz she is.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there is,
The Mizard of Miz is the best one there is.
She is, she is, she is, she is, she is.
Because she’s simply the best in the biz.
We’re off to see the Mizard.
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

“That was kinda short,” complained Dina.

“Hmmmmmm,” replied Jack. “Well, we’ll go ahead and do Part 4 this afternoon.”

x

The Mizard of Miz (Part 2 of 6)

Dina was slogging (slow-ass jogging) along the Yellow Fit Road when she was stopped dead by the foul aroma of defecation. Rikko her ferret began gagging and choking.

“Why, hello there!” said a tall scarecrow hanging by the side of the road. “Sorry about the stench. The brainless farmer that owns this field didn’t have any straw when he stuffed me.”

“So you’re full of sh*t?” asked Dina.

“That’s what everybody tells me,” he replied.

“So does that keep the crows away?”

“It keeps everybody away,” he answered. “Hi, I’m Jack the Sh*tcrow.”

“So," said Dina. “Do many folks journey down this Yellow Fit Road?”

“Well,” replied Jack. “A lot of people start off on it, then get discouraged or have setbacks and wander off course.”

“I can’t imagine why,” sneered Dina.

“I try to encourage them,” smiled Jack. “I tell ‘em that it may be long and tortuous and it may be a constant uphill climb, but at least they’ll be doing it for the rest of their lives.”

“And that doesn’t cheer them up? Go figure…”

“You know,” said Jack. “I can tell just by looking at you that you’ve put up with a lot of sh*t in your life…”

“And how...”

“So,” continued Jack. “Maybe you wouldn’t mind helping me down from up here…”

Holding her breath, Dina unhooked Jack from the post he was hanging on.

“I’ve got a really bad idea,” said Dina once she had the scarecrow down. “Why don’t you come see the Mizard with me?”

“The Mizard?” asked Jack, a puzzled expression on his face.

“Yeah, female wizard,” nodded Dina. “Queer, I know.”

“Can she give me some straw?” asked Jack.

“I hear she can do anything,” answered Dina, picking up Rikko and stroking his back.

“Damn,” said Jack. “I’m so excited I’m going to have to get my sing on…”

Jack: I wouldn’t while away the hours,
Maybe stop and smell the flowers
Or good deeds I’d commit.
Maybe people would stop yellin’
every time they were a smellin’
If I wasn’t so full of sh*t.

Dina: Big thoughts you could be thinkin'
If you weren’t so busy stinkin’
Cuz you’re really full of sh*t.

Jack: Oh, I.........
Wouldn’t be so shy.
Wouldn’t be unsure anymore.
My own aroma I think I could ignore,
Because I'd sit, and stink no more.
I could earn a couple of degrees
If my head weren’t full of feces,
My heart all full of grit.
I would give a big shoutout,
Wouldn’t smell just like an outhouse,
If I wasn’t full of sh*t.


“Well,” said Dina, picking up her basket of supplies and setting the ferret back on the Yellow Fit Road. “You can come with us as long as you stay downwind from me and Rikko.”

“You got it, Dina!” smiled Jack.

So….

We’re off to see the Mizard,
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.
We’ll find she is a fitness whiz.
Yes, that’s the kind of a whiz she is.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there is,
The Mizard of Miz is the best one there is.
She is, she is, she is, she is, she is.
Because she’s simply the best in the biz.
We’re off to see the Mizard.
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

“Downwind,” yelled Dina. “Downwind!”