Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A League of Their Own

“Damn, but I hate flying!” boomed the voice in the foyer.

“Yes we all know it’s one of your ‘not-so-private hells,’ but I appreciate you coming, Fat Daddy,” said Jack Sh*t, leading the larger-than-life blogger towards a set of oak double doors. “I know this is a long way from your home at Fat Daddy Rants, but this is a grave emergency.”

“This,” said Jack, swinging the doors open wide, “is the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Oh my God,” exclaimed Fat Daddy. “I’d always assumed that there was some sort of alliance of male weight loss bloggers…”

“We’re it,” remarked Tony “The Anti-Jared” Posnanski, sitting at a large conference room table and curling a 90-lb barbell as he spoke. “The Leauge of…”

“Yeah, I got it the first time,” said Fat Daddy. “How’d they get you down here, Carlos?”

“I came for strippers and barbecue,” replied Carlos of You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat. “They told me it was Tony’s bachelor party.”

“I’m married, dumbass,” snapped the Anti-Jared, on his 175th rep.

“The other Tony,” said Carlos.

“I’m gay, dumbass,” piped up Tony from I Don't Want to Die of a Heart Attack When I'm 25.

“Hey,” said Jack, rapping on the surface of the long table. “What’s going on back there in the back?”

“Oh,” said Stephen from Who Ate My Blog? “Sean is interviewing me for his audio widget on his blog.”

“This is Sean Anderson from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser,” said Sean Anderson from The Daily Diary of a Winner Loser, “and I’m talking to one of the most fascinating weight loss bloggers out there…”

“Stop that!” commanded Jack. “We’ve got serious business here.”

“Serious business?” said gay Tony. “Since when are you ever serious?”

“Yeah,” said Sean, clicking off his tape recorder. “And how come you’re even in this group? What have you contributed to the weight loss community?”

“Are you kidding me?” asked Jack, shaking his head incredulously. “Who named this group ‘The League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen’ anyway? You guys used to be called ‘Who Gives a Big Fat Flying F*ck!’.”

“I liked that name,” smiled Carlos.

“That’s because you came up with it,” argued Jack. “Look, this petty infighting is getting us nowhere. Somebody wants to do in all of us male weight loss bloggers. I got this email saying we’re all in danger.”

“He may be my arch-nemesis,” said not-gay Tony, “but Mister Sh*t does have a point.”

“What do you suggest we do, Jack?” asked Sean. “Interview everyone in the blogging world? I’ll take on that assignment…”

“Give it a rest, Sean,” snapped Jack. “Stephen, you’re good with computers. Can you hack into the CIA’s mainframe and trace the source of the email I got?”

“I could, but I don’t have to,” said Stephen, studying the printout.

“Why not?” asked Jack.

“Well, it says who it’s from right there on the email.”

“Where?” asked Jack, a confused expression on his face.

“Right there,” pointed Stephen. “In the ‘From’ box.”

“Blogher?” said Jack.

“Blogher?” repeated both Tonys in unison.

“Blogher?” echoed Carlos, Sean, Stephen and Fat Daddy.

The double doors swung open, and a large woman entered the room, laughing. She had the face of a million female weight loss bloggers morphed together and the body of… well, let’s just say she wasn’t shopping in “Petites”…

“That’s right,” she bellowed ferociously. “Blogher!”

“I don’t get it,” said Fat Daddy. “I thought Blogher was a group blog and online community.

“It’s also an annual blogging conference for women,” explained Sean. “You know, I’d really love to interview you, Blogher.”

“I’m here to destroy your little band of blubbers,” laughed Blogher with extreme menace in her voice. “Your big losses demoralize the legion of female bloggers.”

“Obviously you haven’t read my blog,” remarked Carlos.

“Band of blubbers,” chuckled Jack. “That’s pretty good. Can I use that?”

“I harness the power of every female weight loss blogger in the entire blogosphere,” she boomed. She raised her arms and hurricane-force winds began tearing through the room. “There is nothing that can stop me.”

“Could this be the end of the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen?” exclaimed Jack dramatically. The rest gripped the handles of their chairs and braced themselves for whatever would come next.

Suddenly, the door cracked open and a lone figure walked in.

Blogher turned and looked at the newcomer, then screamed in horror.

“No, it can’t be,” she wailed. “Not YOU, you bloody bastard!!”

“Am I late?” asked TOM.

“No, you’re right on schedule,” smiled Jack, as Blogher fled the scene, wailing and crying.

“You’re right on time.”

73 comments:

  1. Jack...you have outdone yourself!! Hilarious...thank you for including me...it was a lot of fun.

    Oh and I wish you had named Blogher...Frau Blogher...followed by the obligatory horse's neighing.

    Now that we have TOM on our side, we will be able to rule the world!!!

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  2. You have to realize though TOM really isn't on your side, she's the b*tch from hell that will chew your head off lol. Great parody though Jack, you always know how to get me laughing in the morning.

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  3. That is too funny! Damn TOM for ruining our super villian! bwahhhhaaaahhhhaa.

    Just remember, if it bleeds for a week and doesn't die....

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  4. I'm not sure if you guys are strong enough to handle TOM!! And what about childbirth? Who's next?

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  5. WOW great job as always...laughed my ass off!!!
    Truly wonderful!!
    Love,
    Irene

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  6. Fantastic post as usual Jack.

    Great, now the CIA will be investigating me again...

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  7. Hey, some of us BlogHERS have managed to rid ourselves permanently of TOM so you'd better watch out Mr. Blogger Who Thinks His Sh*t Don't Stink...

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  8. Very funny, Jack, but don't make me give this a feminist analysis....Powerful woman, feared by many men, reduced to nothing by her reproductive status....blah blah blah....Sorry, I went to a Women's College, can't help myself ;)

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  9. Oh for fuck sake...you've outdone yourself this time Jack. You're lucky you're cute. :P

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  10. This is pretty funny, a movie version would do well.

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  11. This was absolutely brilliant! I love how you caricatured everybody!

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  12. ...LMAO! I would love to see the movie version...This is great, I loved every minute of it. :)

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  13. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't wait for the next installment! Is this going to be a series? And when does it come out on DVD?

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  14. Ha! Can't wait for the next chapter....

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  15. this post made me laugh the hardest of all your posts. maybe because i'm so relaxed on vacation??? I know you hate me. It's ok. I can handle it right now... because I'm vacationing. On the lake. in the permasun.

    Oh jack.. you made me laugh this morning. beautiful post. I really enjoyed reading it - on my laptop - sitting on the deck - overlooking the lake - on my vacation.

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  16. If only I were a better illustrator, I would turn that into a comic book. When TOM entered the room, I started laughing hysterically at my desk. It's very quiet in here this morning but I couldn't help it. Genius Mr. Sh*t.

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  17. TOM is not to be taken lightly. Ever. Or until my hormones straighten out, whichever comes first.

    Great post. I haven't read some of the bloggers you mentioned, and I'm looking forward to it.

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  18. oh good gravy..thanks for the laugh Jack!

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  19. TOOO funny! Oh my gosh. I dont know how you come up with all your stuff but keep going. You are great!

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  20. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

    You are one of the most hilarious people out there. I can't wait to read the next installment of 'the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentleman' :)

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  21. This would have been great as a comic book- drawings and all. Great post!

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  22. but ya know what is missing...all of those guys have pictures, showing us the real person...(well maybe lol) But yet you remain in the dark. lol

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  23. I couldn't figure out who TOM was. *laugh* I thought it was another blogger who I didn't know....*laugh*
    You had me giggling Mr. Shit my fiance had to ask what I was laughing at. You are a funny man!
    Cindie

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  24. another classic one Jack. Fun seeing all my favorite guys in on this.

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  25. Yeah, you can be like Bosley from Charley's Angels. Or the villain in Inspector Gadget.

    For so few guy bloggers, so many are named Tony!

    I tired to read it but the tears of laughter got in the way. Have Sean send me an audio version please!

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  26. Too funny! Loved it...more, please!

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  27. Very funny, as is usually the case. However, as a former TOM recipient, make fun at your own risk!!!

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  28. Hahaha! How did you thought of this. It just gets better and better.

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  29. That I understood this whole post disturbs me not a little. Good job, very funny..screw tom.
    Chris

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  30. I am waiting for the sequel. Make it happen, please!

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  31. Hahaha hahaha... That was just fantastic!
    Thanks and here's hoping for a sequel.

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  32. awesome... i hate when tom is late but always glad when he comes...

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  33. My jaw hit the floor when I read *Fitcetera*'s blog this morning, and the comments mentioned you...so I hopped over...laughing my ass off now...BRILLIANT work Jack....just effing hilarious...and I'm loving Karen's reaction, lol. :)

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  34. OMG!!! Most Hilarious post yet!!! Laughing so hard in my office staff came to check up on me.

    Please please a sequel please!

    And I'm so old Uncle TOM and Aunt FLO never come to visit anymore... .YEAH!!!

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  35. OMG!
    I am sitting at work laughing with tears streaming down my face.
    You are the best!!!

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  36. LOL! OMG! That was hilarious! The best post yet!

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  37. Finally figured out who Tom is...too funny.

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  38. LOL! That was great! Totally made up for having to read pig latin.

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  39. OK, what is really going on in that mind of yours???? Too much!

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  40. Wow, was about a day late on this one lol. I'm pretty much speechless...in a good way :).

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  41. GENIUS. That was way too funny.

    And to be fair boys do cheat by losing weight more quickly and being tall and other such nonsense.

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  42. Bwahahahaha

    Thank you Jack.
    I needed a good laugh & you served it up. :)

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  43. Absolutely fabulous! I was riveted. Can't wait for the next episode.

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  44. you rock my world! i'm not sure how you will ever top this one! :-)

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  45. May I pledge and join such a noble group?

    Back Big in Okinawa

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  46. Hilarious! That is all. (And really, what more do you need?!)

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  47. I am so glad this didn't head the way of Penthouse Forum.

    Seriously, this is damn funny stuff!!!

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  48. Love it, LOVE it, LOVE IT!!! I do admit that it took me a few minutes to figure out TOM. LOL Maybe it's because TOM doesn't come around my house any more.

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  49. Oh my gosh! YOU ARE FREAKING HYSTERICAL! I don't know if your name is really "Jack" and I don't know what you do for a living, but I would say you should definitely be a writer!

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  50. OMG....

    Good old TOM.

    Thanks for the great laugh!

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  51. Dude, I made the mistake of drinking my coffee whilst exploring your blog -- and I sprayed Duncan decaf all over my computer monitor and desk! Yikes, where's the windex?

    Anyway, you are funny as hell and I am now following your blog. I have already lost 100 and need to lose an additional 100. I am working my a*s off, literally!

    I love my inspiration served with a little wit so your blog will certainly be one of my favorites!

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  52. Hey! I bet there are a few guys out there who just got their feelings hurt because they weren't put on your "popular" list. They might never admit it...

    Maybe you should do a Part II...??

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  53. Wow... thanks a bunch and a bundle for all the fantastic comments. It's overwhelming!

    And I didn't choose these six to be founding members of the League just because they're popular (tho they're pretty popular in the circles I run). I've just been following most of them longer than any others and felt I could make their characters come through in this venue. I certainly didn't to slight any of the other fine male weight loss bloggers out there.

    And lastly, I didn't write this with a sequel in mind, but I've already started jotting down notes, so stranger things have happened...

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  54. LMAO ok so I officially want to be a man and be a part of your club. To hell with Blogher yours sounds like so much more fun ;)

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  55. Notice I don't bring "TOM" into my blogs. This may sound, er, stupid, but my mother taught me not to discuss such things in mixed company. And to always wear good underwear.

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  56. I don't know how I missed this, but like Chris, I am deeply disturbed that I have lurked enough to follow almost all of this. Wow, Jack!

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  57. Sure ! Welcome TOM into your circle ! However , realize that she will eventually replace herself with her "Godzilla on Steroids" evil sister, MENOPAUSE. And that chick has the power to bring small nations to a place where they will willingly invest in 50's era bomb shelters ! ( Seriously though, hilarious post !)

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  58. LM-PHAT-AO very creative to say the least. And, that's for guiding me to some new blogs too! Loves it!

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