Monday, September 28, 2009

Honest Crap

Honestly, I’ve been trying to quietly ignore this award, but I’ve gotten it over and over, enough so that I suppose I just need to man up and accept it, along with the heavy dose of honesty that it demands.

What is the Honest Scrap Award anyway? According to the Internets:

This award is about bloggers who post from their heart, who oftentimes put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.

The crux of this award, which was sent my way by Shmologna, screwdestiny, VRaz60 and Jogging Auburn (and possibly a couple of others), is that you have to relate ten things that are both honest and unknown to readers.

So here’s my ten things you probably didn’t know about me, and as much as I’m tempted to do another silly list of ridiculousness, I swear that all this is absolutely true.

1. I’m an awesome juggler. I can give you a Cascade, Reverse Cascade, Juggler's Tennis, Behind the Back, 3-Ball Flash, Boston Mess, and bring it home with a Cherry Picker. Hell, I can even eat an apple and keep the balls flying. Seriously, it’s the most impressive item on my resumé.

2. My daughter Holly was born at home in the bathtub. The home part was planned…the bath tub, not so much. It was a pretty peaceful process, just us and the midwives, up until the actual event. She wasn’t breathing when she was born, just completely blue. They called 911 and started recessitating her; never before, and never since have I been so frightened. They got her going about the time the paramedics, fire department and police showed up in my bathroom. I rode along in the ambulance because, apparently (my memory is a bit fuzzy), I told them that they didn’t bring enough guys to keep me outta that vehicle. It’s a long story, but it all turned out fine in the end. She had to spend a few lo-o-ong days in the NICU (newborn intensive care unit), but it was obvious that she was fine. She was a really big baby, and we were a little concerned that she was going to eat one of the preemies. After such a dramatic start, it’s little wonder that Holly has always been a stage performer.

3. When my wife Anita and youngest daughter Pisa were away on a month-long trip to Mexico, the rest of the family were put in charge of the care and feeding of Pisa’s corn snake Dominga. I don’t want to get into details, but suffice it to say “mistakes were made.” We tore the house up looking for the missing snake, but it was just nowhere to be found. One of my co-workers shuddered at the thought of a snake loose in the house. I said to her: “I’d rather wake up in the middle of the night with that b*tch wrapped around my neck than have to tell my daughter we lost her snake.” We emailed the crazy uncle who gave her the snake to begin with and he replied, “Don’t worry, just give me your FedEx account number and I’ll take care of everything.” The next day, a package arrived which contained an old Cool Whip tub. Inside the container: five baby corn snakes. When I was clearing up the FedEx charge with my company’s bookkeeper, I explained that it was for “emergency snake replacement.” “I don’t think you can send snakes via FedEx,” she told me. “Oh, I beg to differ,” I replied. “You just need access to Cool Whip technology and then you’re good to go.” We wound up giving away three of the new snakes, and still have two.

4. I once pissed off an NFL Hall of Fame quarterback. Here’s the thing: I’ve got no desire whatsoever for autographs. In fact, I think they’re kind of dumb and semi-pointless. Anyway, I was working on a project in New York City where we had Boomer Esiason as a spokesperson. He was a very nice, very personable guy and after we wrapped things up, somebody brought him some footballs to sign. He autographed each one of them personally to each individual. When he got to the last one, he said “Who do I make this out to?” and everyone turned to me. My reply? “Ummmm… the highest Ebay bidder?”

5. On a trip overseas to Crete to meet up the rest of my family for vacation, I let my 4-year-old daughter pack her own luggage. She brought an American Girl doll, galashes, four shirts, no pants, eleven pair of underwear and a flashlight.

6. One of my mom Shirley’s Mississippi kinfolk killed his father in an argument over a cigarette lighter.

7. If you watch any University of Memphis basketball home games on TV, chances are you’ll see me in courtside seats wearing a Mexican wrestling mask with a gold M on the forehead.

8. I have an uncle (again, on Shirley’s side of the family) who got drunk and ran into a train… in the middle.

9. I think about being old a lot. Not getting old, just being old. I see old people and I can feel the aches and pains of age in their eyes. I don’t know if it’s an entirely bad thing, because I feel a sense of urgency about life as well. Carpe diem and all that.

10. Whatever you get out of this blog (and I hope you do get something positive out of it from time to time), I get a great deal more. It’s my North Star on this weight loss journey. It keeps me aiming straight and helps me hold my course even when it would be a very simple thing to lose my way.

Most of the folks I would pass this award on to have already been pinged with it. But truthfully… and we’re still being honest here, right?... I really like all the blogs I follow, usually for a variety of different reasons. Some are funny, some are honest, some are homey, some are way out there… but they all make me smile for one reason or another.

Thanks again to everyone who singled me out for this distinction (I think).


  1. You totally deserved that award, and I'm glad you took the time to tell us ten things about you!

    My favorite: The baby born in the bathtub story. I'm glad she was fine, and now she has a great story to tell!

  2. Okay, I am completely creeped out by #3 because it means you never found that snake. BTW, your list is still funny even if it's not "another silly list of ridiculousness."

  3. I absolutely loved this post. I bet Boomer was upset, huh? That was hilarious!!
    He skipped you after that right?
    Love learning more about you---You're very interesting!! Thank you for this glimpse into your life!!

    My best always

  4. So, how is it that your real life is even funnier than your blogs?

  5. Thank you for this post. You are a very humorous North Star for many of us.
    P.S. I'm glad that the Holly story had a good ending.
    P.P.S. Did you ever find Dominga? (or rather, what was Dominga)

  6. I'm now going to look for you come basketball season! Great post - as always

  7. cool post Jack but I was wondering what happened to the snake that went missing?

  8. awe....your so sweeet!

    i like your blog too ;)

    love random facts....

  9. I have a hard time believing all of what you posted was honest and true....especially you thanking everyone who sent that award to you. lol Glad it wasn't me!

  10. The snake that went missing never turned up again. Our guess is that she slipped outside somehow. Corn snakes aren't really very scary (Pisa handles them all the time), so we were more concerned for Dominga's safety than our own.

  11. One of my fav posts of yours man.

    Keep it up, you are obviously far from the only person who benefits from your blog.

  12. Great post, now I'm going to try to learn to juggle lol.

    I didn't have Marie in the bathtub but she did come out purple, glad Holly and Anita were ok.

    I don't watch basketball but now it makes me tempted.

    No snakes for my kids EVER. Now if I ever get a cool whip container in the mail I'll know where it came from lol.

    I loved the Pisa packing story sounds like how Marie packs to go to grannie's.

    I'm glad you started blogging it makes my day brighter, thanks.

  13. Very interesting...and nice to find out more about the mysterious Mr. Sh*t. :)

  14. You're a crafty one...Mr. Sh*t. You threw out enough good stuff that hardly anyone noticed you broke the rules...

  15. Video please of apple in mouth and balls flying.
    I will pay for that.

    Congrats on the Scrappy!

  16. Even your "real" life is funny as sh*t!

  17. Loved your list, my friend. Your humor and truth are intermixed ... even when you're being silly ... I think that's why your posts are so endearing.

    I now know, too, to never let my future children pack for themselves. :)

  18. Love the baby in the bathtub story. So jealous, I could never have any of mine at home for med. reasons. Not cool about the NICU. Two of mine ended up there for brief stays. One of them, my biggest baby, stayed 2 weeks with RSV, and during that time earned the distinction of most impressive gas-passer in the NICU.

    Your list is truly Scrap-worthy because you went out on a limb to share a Family White Trash story. Everyone has a trashy relative like Shirley Sh*t's Mississippi kinfolk, white or not. (No offense! Like I said, we all have 'em).

    As for the snake story, that one really hits home. The last pet snake we had ("Snakey"), slithered between the boards of the deck while my son was holding his tail. The snake wrapped onto something below the deck and would not let go. No way to get under the deck to free Snakey. So the choice was either try to pull it out and risk retrieving just half a snake, or let it go and lose Snakey forever. I finally convinced DS to let it go, and he cried for days.

  19. LOL at the autograph...I go through this from time to time here in Vegas, and feel the same way about autographs as you do!

    May my list of ten things be just as cool :D

  20. smiles? you're the ultimate smile distributor! plus a lot of good 'ole belly laughes as well. very healthy to laugh, you know? :) thanks jack!

  21. Pisa sounds quite fashionable. Sounds like the way I used to dress myself. At least she remembered the American Girl doll! Very important :)

  22. University of Memphis? I've held a grudge against them ever since they couldn't hit a free throw to beat KU (god i hate KU) in the National Championship game. Yeah, I had to go there.
    That said, I still like the blog.

  23. I so enjoy your blog, Jack. You deserve this award and many others, I'm sure. I love how you write, your honesty, your insight, and your humor. It keeps me coming back! Thanks for being you and for sharing that with all of us!


  24. I LOVED this as usual! You are one very interesting & amazing guy! Adventures galore!

    Honestly, I doubt I am even brave enough to do this challenge! I loved them all but 4&5 got me laughing big time!!!!

    #9, I am with you. Being a fit fanatic & also watching loved members die younger than I thought they ever would, UI do think about aging & how it will effect me. HONEST, it scares the sh*t out of me.. really!

    #10, you are awesome!

    OK, how do I get my pic in that little box? As much as I hate pics, I see everyone ales & now I want my pic there too. I feel left out! :-)

    Jack, thx again!

  25. I loved your honest list Jack! Your always personable, but this shows us another side of you. My moms name is Shirley too. I always thought it was an odd name for a woman.....great name for a drink though!
    You inspire us all!

  26. i'm glad you posted your 10 things:)


  27. Awww Jack...I feel like I know you now :) #4 made me pee my pants. Thanks! Also, congrats on your most recent weigh in. 70 pounds rocks. So does the .3

  28. I'm SO glad you didn't misunderstand my lesbian comment with the Not Me Mondays!

  29. haha I love #4! Way to be honest!!

  30. I think the thing I'm most amazed by is that you let a 4-year-old pack her own bag. I'm not sure I believe you...really? Wish I could've seem Boomer's face.

  31. Great blog! I enjoyed reading your 10 things...I just posted a 25 things you didn't know about me post too!

  32. Love this post.

    PS: Cornsnakes are not the kind of snakes you need to fear in your sleep. No lie. My hubby had one get loose when he was very very young, the little bastard was missing for 7 months before being found, still alive no less. His name is Lucky and he's still in our basement.

    If you ever want to meet some big constricting type snakes, you're welcome to my house anytime. I've got a 7 ft boa. Now I'd be afraid of falling asleep with her around my neck lol.

  33. Great job on all the weight you've lost so far. You've got a great attitude.

  34. Whaaaat is a cornsnake?! And....soooo many questions.

    I also find autographs pointless! To me it seems most people want them for bragging rights, like, "SEE! I really DID meet Vanilla Ice!"

    I want to learn how to juggle but more so with life and not so much with objects.

    Ok, Im out!

  35. First of glad Holly ended up okay. What a blessing.

    Major snake phobia here...I would have moved out of the house that very minute until someone found that snake. Period.

    I am still laughing out loud at the 4 yr old's list of what to pack for an overseas trip, lmao...4 shirts, no pants, 11 pair of undies and a flashlight, lmao. My mom found a suitcase the other day that my 4 year old niece packed all of her new school clothes in, along with some of her favorite stuffed animals. Mom asked her why she did that. She said she packed it for her trip to Africa. ???? lol I love 4 year olds. :)

    So far, I've managed to keep my Georgia kinfolk out of my blog, lol...I have a feeling we have some of the same stories. :)

  36. The highest eBay bidder? OMG, ROFLMAO! I would think think that and do that, but I wouldn't have had the pair to say it! lol You are amazing.

    I love the family history. =)

  37. Thanks Jack Sh*t you are an inspiration to me on my journey, and you can always make me smile. I appreciate you even stopping by my blog....

    you are truly a wonderful part to the weight loss blogger world!

  38. LOL. #5 sounds like my youngest grand daughter's packing. Gotta love 4 year olds!

  39. Thank you for another entertaining post. I'm a bit freaked out about the snakes though...

  40. Awesome blog, one that I made time to read before I head out to my classes and now will be late for but it was worth the read! Now I want to read more... I hope all of your days are positive, blessed days and from the sounds of it... you do deserve that award!

  41. 11 pair of underwear? The girl had the important stuff packed...who needs pants when you have lots of underwear & your American Girl doll? lol

    Thanks for sharing.
    Have a great week.


  42. It was nice of you to share bits of your life with us. Thank you.



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