Monday, September 21, 2009

A Sequel With No Equal

“I hate this job,” muttered Tricia.

“For the ten thousandth time,” said Jack Sh*t, standing beside the secretarial desk. “Please wait until I leave the room before saying that out loud. Better yet, why don’t you just blog about it on Fight Fat Phobia.”

“Because you had Stephen lock down the firewall,” sneered Tricia, turning back to her computer. “No blogs in, no blogs out.”

“That’s not exactly true,” smiled Jack.

“Oh yeah, I forgot,” frowned Tricia. “We can still get Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.”

“Well, what more could you ask for than that?” asked Jack.

“How about giving us our instant messaging back?” pleaded Tricia. “Poor Dina died from loneliness because I couldn’t IM her during the day.”

“C’mon,” laughed Jack. “We both know Dina died of tequila poisoning.”

“To-may-to, ta-mah-to,” replied Tricia.

“Well, since you’re the secretary for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen, you don’t need to be wasting time farting around on the internet,” exclaimed Jack. “Now what’s the status of the next meeting…?”

Tricia consulted her notepad. “Ummm, Gay Tony’s busy redecorating his blog again, Not-Gay Tony is out hoodie-shopping, Stephen is still training for his big 5K. Carlos said… wait, I wrote it down… oh, here it is. Ummmm… can’t read my own writing. It either says ‘f*ck off and die’ or ‘f*ck off and diet.’”

“Hmmmmm, it’s gonna be a light meeting, I guess,” said Jack. “Well, not a ‘light’ meeting, but you know what I mean.”

“By the way, I’ve got to leave early today for trivia.”

“For what?” asked Jack.

“Ummmmmm… dentist appointment,” replied Tricia.

Well, before you leave, what’s the status of all those applications we received?” asked Jack. “Keeven, Phil, Doug, Joe, Ron, Josh, Roder, Foolsfitness, Stages of Change, Big in Okinawa. I saw all their paperwork sitting on your desk this morning.”

“I… ummm… filed them,” smiled Tricia. “That’s showing some initiative and spunk, huh?”

“Yeah,” replied Jack. “Especially considering we don’t have any file cabinets. Where did you file them?”

“In my mind, Jack. In my mind.”

Suddenly, Fat Daddy entered the room, completely drenched in sweat. It took several minutes of heavy panting before he was able to speak.

“Still… don’t… know… why the elevator… doesn’t work… without special key,” panted Fat Daddy.

“C’mon, FD,” said Jack. “It’s just 25 floors.”

“When am I…,” wheezed Fat Daddy. “Gonna get a key?”

“This is about the transformational power of exercise,” smiled Jack, putting a friendly hand on Fat Daddy’s shoulder.

“Well,” exclaimed FD. “There’s something you’re really want to see down on the first floor in the conference room.”

“You head on back then,” said Jack. “I need to tell Tricia something that, quite frankly, is beyond your security clearance level.”

“Well, at least it’s down the stairs this time,” sighed Fat Daddy. “But hurry… it’s quite urgent.”

“Okay, okay,” nodded Jack. “I’ll probably beat you down there anyway.”

Fat Daddy shrugged, gathered himself then slowly headed toward the stairwell.

“What’s so important that you gotta tell me in private,” asked Tricia. “That you got the hots for me?”

“No, I need you to go fetch me my elevator key that’s in my desk drawer,” said Jack.

“The snack drawer?” asked Tricia.

“The left drawer,” answered Jack.

“The candy drawer?”

“The lower left drawer,” said Jack.

“Gotcha,” winked Tricia, and hurried into Jack’s executive office for the key.

A few minutes later, they met Fat Daddy in the League conference room.

“Now what’s so important that you had to…” started Jack, but he immediately clammed up when he saw the scene in front of him.

TOM was laid out on the table, completely soaked in blood.

“Is he dead?” asked Jack.

“I don’t think so,” said Fat Daddy. “I’ve got Downsizing Doc’s number on my cell phone, but I left it upstairs.”

“Well, hurry up and call,” commanded Jack. “This could be life or death.”

“Ahem,” said Fat Daddy. “Could I have the elevator key?”

“What part of ‘the transformational power of exercise’ did you not understand, Fat Daddy?” snapped Jack.

Sighing, Fat Daddy limped off towards the stairs.

“What we have here is a mystery,” said Tricia.

“What we have here,” corrected Jack, rubbing his chin slowly with his fingers. “Is a cliffhanger ending...”

this afternoon


  1. I am staying tuned...when's the next installment?

  2. You'd think that a guy willing to wear a unitard for the cause could get a higher security clearance than Tricia. Afterall...she's a "sheila", and our onetime nemesis!

  3. TOM is like a zombie that never dies, reanimating each month. Even shooting it in the head has no effect.

    And that's "administrative assistant," not secretary. *rolls eyes*

  4. This was terrific Jack but I must say I'm shocked you have a snack and candy drawer and took the elevator, isn't this about leading by example? lol FD's going to beat your butt in the weight loss department this week mister lol.

    I love a good mystery too can't wait till the next installment.

  5. Ahh The dreaded TOM! He is over here right now...not so hopeful on the scale today :(

    Loved that Tricia made an appearance...even though she was the secretary. :)

  6. I think it's hilarious you have more TOM references in your blog than I do in mine. Because I will never mention or blog about TOM!

  7. Seriously, Jack, what is the hangup about TOM? And how can TOM be male? TOM's nickname is Aunt Flo! I want to enjoy this, but the misogyny (yes, whipping out the big words), is just too annoying. Like a constant joke with a black or gay punch line.

    Not everyone hates TOM, just so you know. Those of us who love(d) having babies know TOM is a welcome sign of robust fertility. Those childbearing hips most guys dig would be man-hips without the estrogen that feeds TOM!

    Nobody gonna kill my TOM before its time! Especially not a bunch of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.

  8. I read a sh*tload of weight loss blogs, Gen, and TOM seems to be a recurring character in many of them, usually referred to as "that bastard TOM is responsible for my gain."

    Hang around; TOM actually plays only a minor role in this story, a "red herring" if you will.

    However, Miss O'Ginnie would be a fine character to introduce at some point. ;)

  9. Sorry Jack, I was a little harsh there. (Not TOM-related harshness either. I think I'm still mad about DH refusing to get a vasectomy).

    "Red herring," lol.

    I am of the "keep your TOM stories to yourself" blogging persuasion, but you are right, TOM shows up as the culprit for weight gain on a sh*tload of blogs.

    Can't wait to hear the ending...

  10. The League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen 2 lacks the charm and heart of the original, a failing the auteur tries to make up with a bloated special effects budget. The plot suffers from the absence of several cast members who refused to sign onto the sequel, as well as the clear lack of resolution at the end. Despite dismal reviews, the retention of two key stars and the Extraordinarily Fat brand name should be enough to give Sh*tty studios a hit.

    (I actually loved it, but writing a snotty review was way more fun. I'll be tuned in for the threequel)

  11. Hey, I'm new around here but I think I'm in love. A murder mystery starring some of my favorite characters! Fabulous. And I don't want to give away the ending or anything, but I did it. I wrung Tom's neck, accidentally popped his jugular and then laughed in his blood soaked face. I then hightailed it up the stairs and just left him splayed out on the conference table.

    Whaddya mean I don't even work there?

  12. I wish to gently point out that, although I loved having my babies (and adore my children), please count me as one woman who does not look at our old friend TOM as a sign of robust fertility but instead, considering TOM's ill-usage of my hospitality (hanging around for 22 days? REALLY now TOM...), I am more than happy to see him get the axe on a regular basis.

    Then again, I'm also of the "all about TOM" bloggerly persuasion ;)

    Keep it up, Jack -- I'm on pins and needles! Or the edge of a cliff.

    Something like that.

  13. I wouldn't be too upset if TOM was dead

  14. Isn't it afternoon yet? *waiting impatiently*

  15. I heart this League!!!! Fat girl wants more, more, more!

  16. AAAAHHHHHHH!!! You know how impatient I am. Damn cliffhangers!



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