Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What I Learned When I Started Lifting Weights Again

  • Apparently it’s “improper form” to crap your pants during a bench press.
  • Muscle dudes don’t like it when you ask to borrow “a cup of testosterone.”
  • Weights are heavier now then they used to be; I think it may have something to do with the metric system.
  • Apparently, I was the only one who thought it was awesome to name my biceps “Thing One” and “Thing Two.”
  • There’s always some dude that wants to stand there and impatiently wait for the machine you just got on; for your information, I am that dude.
  • No, I can’t squat thrust as much weight as you can, but you can’t yodel as loudly as I can. I’d say we’re even.
  • Not everybody wants to be your workout buddy, even if you ask them over and over and over.
  • Working out in a wool turtleneck sweater isn’t so much of a good idea.
  • They’re not “girl pushups,” dumbass; they’re “lady pushups.”
  • Apparently, you’re not supposed to have your feet on the ground when doing a chin-up (and I was going for the all-time record, dammit!).
  • Quit singing along with your iPod (apparently somebody’s not a big Sound of Music fan).
  • Working until your triceps burn: good. Asking dude to blow on your burning triceps: not so good.
  • Gluteus Maximus!” is not a synonym for “Good Morning!”
  • Don’t make the mistake of using a fire extinguisher to hose off sweat from the machines after use. Excuse me for cleaning the equipment!
  • Steroid-water leaves a nasty aftertaste.
  • IcyHot + spandex rash = Ai yah yaiiiiii!
  • If you accept the responsibility of “spotting” someone, you really need to not let the weights drop on their neck because then everybody’s gonna shoot you dirty looks the rest of your workout.

34 comments:

  1. Ha...love the "don't sing along to your iPod" one! There is a girl at my gym who not only sings along to her iPod, but also dances to it...while walking on the treadmill. She's a winner!

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  2. Hmm. Interesting. My husband loves it when I blow on his triceps.

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  3. I like the first one - improper form to crap yourself during a bench press. HA! Reminds me of a Pilates class I took with my DH. During one ridiculous pose in an otherwise totally silent class, he managed to make a sound on the mat that sounded suspiciously like a fart. Rather than ignore it and act like nothing ever happened -- the proper thing to do -- he started pleading his case to the class, "it was not me, I did not fart!" Very bad form.

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  4. Heehee, those are some wonderful weight room guidelines :)

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  5. love the lady pushups! This post made my day as usual..thanks!

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  6. The hills are alive with the sound of Jack Sh*t grunting while lifting, and then he tosses his dumbbells in the air to achieve the loudest thud in the gym. YEA!

    Beefcake, BEEFCAKE!

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  7. Oh Mr. Shit!

    I want to thank you for today's post. I needed a laugh this morning.

    The 1st will have me laughing out loud all day.

    You are a truly inspired.

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  8. oh my gosh #5! why is that!? and some even have the nerve to ask if you can take turns...

    uhm. no. go look at yourself in the mirror for 5 mins!

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  9. Sound of Music while working out?! That is crazy. Totally agree with you on the spotter. They better have their job under control! Great post.

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  10. Yes, We could always share the machine.

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  11. omg...the first one....serioulsy lol

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  12. ROFL... I didnt even get past the first one before I spewed my coffee. I am coming back LATER when I am NOT eating or drinking anything to finish this post!!! Will I never learn?

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  13. Love it times a thousand! Same goes for every other post you have ever written.

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  14. I like that the weights are heavier now than they used to be. I can relate that to a lot of things in my life. . .

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  15. I wanna be your workout buddy!! :-D

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  16. OMGOsh. #1 made me pee a little I was laughing so hard. lol~!!!!

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  17. SCREAMING LAUGHING at the first one!!!! Especially funny since I was just at the gym today and picturing it!

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  18. There are lots of men on the down low at the gym, Jack caca. Asking them to "blow" anything is just asking for a pounding.

    Uh, yeah. A pounding...

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  19. Being a totally weight person, LOVED THIS!!!! Really liked the chin-up one since my new goal since having accomplished my clap push-up goal is to do a full body weight wide grip pull-up & also close grip chins as well! Darn, pour feet can't touch the ground!!!! ;-)

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  20. Since this is copyrighted material, I just have one question:

    May I please print it out to post on my gym's wall?

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  21. Thanks for the heads-up on not crapping your pants (even if they are your new skinny jeans). I'll know better next time I hit the bench press!

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  22. Glad you're on my team Jack *smile*.

    Everyone is always stealing my machine too.

    We have a few dancers in our gym.

    I've dropped the bar on myself before I'm to chicken to ask for a spotter, all those he-men would laugh at my almost empty bar benching lol.

    Glad to hear you're lifting though mr. "only cardio" *grin*.

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  23. This is very timely for me, as I will be making debut in the weight room next week. Now I know how to conduct myself! Thanks!

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  24. Don't set weights on something they can roll off of is an important lesson, too. :)

    Entertaining, Jack!

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  25. I totally think it's a good idea to name your biceps thing one and thing two!

    Hilarious post, Jack.

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  26. "Working until your triceps burn: good. Asking dude to blow on your burning triceps: not so good."

    *still giggling*

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  27. priceless giggles!

    hey jack, the best time to yodel is WHILE you're squat thrusting. take it from me, you'll double your gains in weeks!

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  28. Thanks for the wonderful comments. And Helen... feel free to post this at your gym (if you're looking to get kicked out).

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  29. lmao at every single one of them...such a talent Jack, just such a talent. :)

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  30. LOVELOVELOVE

    especially your thing 1 and thing 2.
    :)

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  31. OOO I am SO guilty of singing along with the iPod. But I'm more of a song-mouther (like a lipsych artist but you can't hear the song only I can) than acutally SINGING.

    But sometimes a little too much air comes out of my throat and you'll hear a breathy word or two from, "Du Hast" or "SuperBad"

    :)
    -1/2 Girl

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  32. Totally unrelated...I like the gopher/groundhog addition to the blog award.

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  33. So glad I wasn't eating or drinking anything while reading this. ;-) You rock, Jack!

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  34. Jack, you go ahead and rock your Sound of Music! XD Lord knows I sing along with Moulin Rouge.

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