Monday, September 21, 2009

Choose Your Own Weight Loss Adventure


Welcome to Jack Sh*t’s Choose Your Own Weight-Loss Adventure. Simply read along and follow the instructions. Just like real life, you get to make decisions along the way the affect your journey.

Chapter One

You’ve made up your mind. This is it! You’re finally going to do something about that excess weight you’ve been carrying around for as long as you can remember. Good for you! This journey is all about making good choices, so this will be a good exercise to explore the consequences of your individual approach to losing weight.

If you decide to start today, scroll down Chapter Two
If you decide to start next Monday, scroll down to Chapter Four

Chapter Two
Starting right off, are we? I like the way you think! You know there’s no time like the present. After all, you’ve spent quite enough time saddled with that excess baggage. A word to the wise: don’t let your current enthusiasm get the better of you. Don’t think you’ve got to eat nothing but lettuce and run ten miles a day. You’re in this for the long haul, so the important thing is to ease into a program you can both build on and live with. Sparklers look pretty for a minute or so, but we’re looking for a big bang here.

If you take to my good advice, scroll down to Chapter Six
If you take the “sparkler” approach, scroll down to Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Well, that was impressive. You came out of the gates like a racehorse. You ate like Tweety Bird. You lost weight. Congratulations. What was it? 15 lbs or so. Outstanding. What’s that? You’ve already started skipping workouts? You’re already sacking the diet because it’s making you miserable. Damn–if only there was some way for you to have known.

If you want to try again, scroll up to Chapter One
If you’re sick and tired of the whole mess, scroll down to Chapter Five

Chapter Four

You spend between now and the end of the weekend gorging yourself like nobody’s business, convincing yourself that THIS.IS.THE.LAST.TIME. Hey, whatever you gotta tell yourself to get in the right frame of mind. At this point, does it even matter?

If on Monday, you decide to do right, scroll down to Chapter Six
If Monday comes by and you forget your pledge, scroll down to Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Well, it was a pipe dream anyway, this idea that you could eat right and exercise, that you’d stick with it long enough to see any real progress. You like yourself well enough, and maybe one day down the road you’ll do something but for right now… well, everything’s just so damn delicious. I don’t even know why I’m reading this. I think I’ll go grab a snack and take a nap.

If you rediscover your missing mojo, go to Chapter Six
If you slide further into your funk, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Six

Wow, it’s so tough to get the ball rolling. Hunger pains that grip you like talons. Temptations everywhere you turn. And that underlying feeling that you just don’t have it in you to succeed on such a difficult journey. It’s really tough for you… but guess what, Chuckles? It’s tough for everyone at this point. Stay the course!

If you stay the path, scroll down to Chapter Seven
If you have a couple of cheat meals in there, scroll down to Chapter Eight

Chapter Seven

A few weeks in, and you’re starting to find your groove. The hard part is over. I tell people over and over that if instead of merely dipping a toe in the water, you DIVE IN, well, it’s a whole different adventure. And you’re proving me right!

You continue proving me right. Scroll down to Chapter Nine
You prove me wrong. Scroll down to Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

Look, a slip-up can happen to anybody, even at this stage of the game. Fight through it and forget about it. This journey is about learning to live a more healthy lifestyle, and that means making a lot of choices in a lot of different situations. You aren’t perfect, and every choice isn’t going to be the right one. Screw being perfect… be the best possible you you can be.

You stay on a roll. Scroll down to Chapter Nine
You come to a crashing halt. Scroll down to Chapter Ten

Chapter Nine

Look at you! Those losses that you thought were so miniscule at the time have really added up, haven’t they? You’ve dropped a couple of pants sizes, too. And isn’t it great how this whole process gets easier when you’ve had a few months of success under your (ever-shrinking) belt? You’ve got this!

You do have this. Scroll down to Chapter Eleven
You don’t quite have this. Scroll down to Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

No, no, no. You’ve come too far to mess this up now. Look at where you started and what it took to get you where you are today. Don’t throw away all that dedication and hard work. Don’t make all that sweat mean nothing. Get yourself straight and finish this like you started… strong and with a deep-rooted commitment to succeed.

You get yourself straight. Scroll down to Chapter Eleven
You careen a bit. Scroll down to Chapter Twelve

Chapter Eleven

You’re doing so great. It’s hard but it’s the kind of hard work that you know is going to pay off in the end. You’re proud of yourself for sticking with the program and you’re rewarded with another awesome weigh-in. Talk about motivation.

If you stay the path, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen
If you stray a little, scroll down to Chapter Twelve
If you stray a lot, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Twelve

Well, setbacks happen to just about everybody. Luckily, you’re in this for the long haul this time and you’re committed to not letting a mistake here or there knock you off track. If anything, these little setbacks are steeling your will even more, because you can see the impact they’re having on your weigh-ins.

If you get it back together, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen
If you lose it altogether, scroll down to Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Thirteen

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! You’re really rolling now, eating sensibly and exercising with purpose. It’s such a simple code you’d think anybody could crack it. Eat healthier. Eat less. Exercise more. It seemed difficult at the beginning, but now it’s becoming second nature to you. And you don’t even need the rock-solid weigh-ins to prove it; you can feel your clothes getting looser and you’ve even dug some of those hidden jeans out of the back of the closet. What part of this isn’t fun?

Scroll down to Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fourteen

Uh oh. Why do you do this to yourself? You know what you need to do to have success on this journey and you’re just getting in your own way. And who are you cheating, really? Yourself, that’s who. It’s time to get a handle on this self-destructive behavior and put this weight-loss journey into high gear.

You put it in high gear, scroll up to Chapter Nine
You fail. Scroll up to Chapter Five

Chapter Fifteen

You’ve hit a plateau, a few-week period when you can’t seem to make the scale budge. It’s frustrating, disappointing, maddening. You’re doing the right things, eating the right foods. You’re doing everything you’ve been doing up to this point and it’s all been working like a charm. Well, it sure as hell isn’t working like a charm right now.

If you power through it, scroll down to Chapter Seventeen
You get frustrated and cheat some, scroll down to Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

Well, you found the thing that’s worse than the dreaded plateau: the weight gain. You let impatience and irritation get the better of you and now you have to do one of the most bothersome tasks in this whole weight loss business: re-lose pounds that you’ve already lost. It’s like going shopping at the grocery store and realizing you’ve left your wallet at home when you get to the check-out line. Well, let’s get going.

You get going, scroll down to Chapter Seventeen
You get stuck, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Seventeen

It took longer than you wanted, but you finally smashed through that dratted plateau. You took a long hard look at what you were doing and realized that some of the eating and exercise behaviors had slipped backwards a bit. Nothing too bad unless it went unchecked, but you’ve set a course correction and are back on track!

If you stay on track, scroll down to Chapter Eighteen
If you lose your way, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Eighteen

You’re right there, close enough to your goals that you can just about taste it. You’re feeling so much better, have so much more energy than you used to that it’s difficult to believe. This doesn’t feel anything like dieting anymore, doesn’t feel anything like work. It’s become your lifestyle. It’s become your life.

If you’ve got this, scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Three
If you stumble a little, scroll down to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

It’s hard to understand exactly why you sabotage yourself. I mean, you understand that you’re just digging the hole you’re in that much deeper, but somehow you just can’t help yourself. Because you don’t want this time to be like those other times that you just couldn’t keep the momentum going, you screw up your determination and decide to power through this tough time and blast away every temptation.

You get back on track, scroll up to Chapter Eighteen
You miss a beat (again), scroll down to Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Another week, another fail. It’s hard to understand. You want it so badly, but it’s just not happening. It seems like the whole world is conspiring to block your success. That’s nonsense, by the way. You’re the only one that can stop you from achieving your dreams. You say you want it. It’s time to start acting like you want it. It’s time to get serious, and I mean SERIOUS.

You get serious, scroll up to Chapter Thirteen
You don’t get serious, scroll down to Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One

You suck. I really don’t know if I, or anyone else, can help you. Here’s my suggestion: get away from everyone have a nice long talk with yourself. Ask yourself if you’re happy, if you’re willing to settle for a life that’s less than you deserve. Ask yourself just why it is that you’re unwilling to do what it takes to make yourself a better, happier, healthier person. If you’re right here, right now, then you’ve got a lot of thinking to do and a lot of work ahead of you.

You FINALLY get serious, scroll down to Chapter Thirteen
You give up. Scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two

Melted cheese on corn chips is really good, isn’t it?

- THE END -

Chapter Twenty-Three

It’s a good feeling, isn’t it? You’ve taken on this journey with a sense of purpose and pride, and you’re doing it. You’re really doing it. Last week’s weigh-in was solid if not spectacular. Next week you’re forecasting more of the same (well, maybe we’ll shoot for “spectacular” this week). You’re on your way!

You stay the course. Scroll down to Chapter Twenty-Four
You slip up. Scroll up to Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty-Four

You make your goal. Congratulations! It’s been a long hard road, but look at you! You’re amazing. Your friends and family can’t get over the changes you’ve made in yourself, but the person who’s most proud is staring back at you from the mirror.

By the way, there is no end to this journey. Where you go from here is completely up to you.

46 comments:

  1. Clever! The very last line is my favourite.
    -Kate

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  2. The beginning chapters are so very true. Coming out pf the gate like a racehorse and then skipping vital workouts? Done it. Not anymore my friend! Healthy train now.

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  3. Oh my goodness- the amount of work that went into this post is crazy! You really are laid up, huh?!

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  4. It's good Jack. The bouncing around happened to me all the time.

    There is no end, because if you quit doing what made you healthier, then you end up repeating the book again and again.

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  5. The work that you put into these posts is mind-blowing. Awesome job, Jack!

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  6. Thanks for the roller-coaster so early in the morning - hope I can make it to chapter 24.

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  7. WOW Jack, I have missed you sooo much...Thank you for this...So glad I had the opprotunity to read you today!! Amazing as always!!
    Love,
    irene

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  8. Long read but a good one and so very true, great way to start a monday!

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  9. Bloody fantastic post! Especially since, I feel like I can genuinely say I'm on about Chapter 23! Whooop!

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  10. I like the grocery store with a missing wallet thing. The real trick is resisting the urge to fill up the cart with Doritos and Ben & Jerry's on the return trip because you're so pissed about having to shop all over again.

    "guess what, Chuckles..." made me laugh the most.

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  11. Oh well done ! Just the whole thing is amazingly well put together -- and I've had more than one of those mental "talks" with myself, of both types.

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  12. I will have to wait until lunch to read this!! Looks good already :-)

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  13. When you said you'd be posting some BIG stuff, I didn't think it would be this... epic! Awesome post :)

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  14. Holy crap, you must have a lot of time on your hands. But that means good stuff for us to read, so yay!

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  15. keep 'em coming jack! excellent insight and true to life inner dialogss.

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  16. Awesomesauce. I loved those books as a kid - always got smoked by an avalanche or shot by goblin patrols!

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  17. Just made my whole day. Thanks!

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  18. lol...took me awhile to read this one! Loved it.

    My son loves those books--that made me smile. Oh, I wish I had some of your creative smarts!

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  19. Wow that must have been a lot of work. I had to read each one though so I wouldn't miss anything lol.

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  20. I loved it so much I am printing it out! Clever, very clever!! :)

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  21. Dude, I so hope you've got a book deal in the works. Seriously, you've got something special going on here. There are few, if any, books like this from the man's perspective. Hie thee to an agent. But please, oh please, keep sharing with us!

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  22. Brilliant! No need to say another word.

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  23. I should have been reading this book this morning instead of our lousy little newspaper. Great post.....as usual.

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  24. Oh, this brings back memories!!! I use to love these books as a kid- This is a great post- and so true to this journey. It is so great to read the routes... so much good stuff. Thanks for posting!

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  25. You're amazing! :]

    Keep em' comin.. your posts are thoroughly enjoyable & enlightening!

    Keep up the great work! You're an inspiration to us all.

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  26. I love choose your own adventure. Haha. Good post. Very motivating.

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  27. This time I've skipped the racehorse approach and just learning to make it part of my life. It makes a big difference and I'm noticing I'm not beating myself up for an occasional bad choice -- it doesn't defeat me as it may have in the past.

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  28. Crap, what chapter should I be reading now??? Loved this post & I can see that back injury is giving you more time! ;-)

    Stay the course.. YES! We all have slip ups. Anyone that says they have not is either lying to you or fooling themselves & who knows what chapter they are on!

    I just like the start NOW & not any particular day of the week & I also like if you mess up a bit, just get back to it right away.. those are key for me!

    And yes, by the way, your last statement is OH SO TRUE!!!

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  29. guess what chuckles...lmao....
    I.am.chuckles...I am getting a t shirt

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  30. One of my dvds [the fitness kind] says: Life is an adventure, train for it. So, it's a great reward.

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  31. Someone has way too much time on his hands!!!

    But I am grateful. This was so much fun to read/play. My son used to love these books and we would read them together over and over with every possible scenario.

    You're just so smart!!

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  32. That was a lot of fun on this rainy, gray day. Thanks for taking the time to right this. Hope you are feeling better.

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  33. wow that was amazing! how long did it take you to do all that? haha well no matter what I'm glad you took the time :-)

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  34. I did not read this yet. i will call off from work tomorrow so I can do so.

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  35. Oh my goodness, you put A TON of work into this! Incredible.

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  36. Great post. Lots of thought and work went into this one, thanks.

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  37. "Weight Loss: The Step by Step Guide"

    "The How To Guide to Getting in Shape"

    "This is Your Brain: Getting Fit"

    "Twenty-something steps to a better you"

    "Jack Sh*t's Ultimate guide to kicking the scales ass"

    These are just a few possible titles to your brand new book, You know? the one you just posted.

    That was awesome Jack, keep 'em coming.

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  38. "Melted cheese on corn chips"....I love it!!! What an ending!!!

    HILARIOUS!!!!!

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  39. You are freakin talented.

    I loved those books as a kid and cracked the hell up at your post.

    in melted cheese awe,

    Miz.

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  40. Jack, this is my FAV post so far! Your imagination still holds me in awe.......that or you really do have TOO much time on your hands at the moment lol

    Thank you though for inspiring us!

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  41. Holy Crap!

    This is so funny! You really are my hero.

    I'm so glad they invented cyber stalking!

    -jafg

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  42. Wow man...I think you really outdid yourself this time...this has to be the most brilliant, amazing post you've ever done. Total awesomeness. (And thanks for the comment on my last post...made me laugh out loud...I sent her packin' tonight.) :)

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