Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen Rides Again


The room was pitch black dark.

“I’m gonna need a raise if I’m gonna keep working for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen,” came Tricia’s voice from the blackness. “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this sh*t.”

“Speaking of sh*t,” said Fat Daddy. “I think somebody needs a new pair of britches.”

“He who smelt it, dealt it,” said Jack Sh*t. “Besides, we have bigger problems. Apparently whoever…”

“Whomever,” said Tricia.

“No,” corrected Fat Daddy. “I’m pretty sure it’s ‘whoever’.”

“Whoever or whomever is trying to destroy the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemenm,” said Jack. “Has come here to destroy us.”

The lights suddenly crackled back on.

“That’s correct,” boomed a voice at the door.

“Blogher?” exclaimed Fat Daddy.

“It’s a male, dumbass,” sneered Tricia.

“My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge,” said the lab-coated figure in the doorway. “And I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, which now includes over 2,000 of the Web's leading health bloggers!”

“Dr. Geoff!” smiled Jack. “Of course. It all makes perfect sense now…”

“As a member of the HealthBlogger Network,” said Dr. Geoff, “You'll enjoy the greatly expanded reach and exposure to Wellsphere's more than 5 million monthly visitors, innovative special features and functionality for your blog, and an exclusive badge to recognize you as a leading health blogger. Once you join, we'll begin promoting you and your blog as a great source of health knowledge and support, featuring you in rotation on our homepage (, republishing your posts on Wellsphere, giving you special status on Wellsphere and linking back to your blog from your articles and from your profile.”

“Never!” yelled Jack.

“Let me tell you a bit about me and about Wellsphere. I'm a physician who has taught and practiced Internal and Emergency Medicine for over 25 years at Harvard and Stanford medical schools, and am passionate about helping people get the information and support they need to be healthier.”

With that, Dr. Geoff pulled out an UZI and aimed it at Jack, FD and Tricia.

“I'm now the Chief Medical Information Officer at, where I manage the HealthBlogger Network. Wellsphere, the fastest-growing consumer health website, is revolutionizing the way people find and share health and healthy living information and support. We've recently merged with The HealthCentral Network, Inc. (, and together we're now serving more than 10 million people a month!”

“Well this is it,” said Jack. “The end of the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Nah,” said Tricia. “I bet it’s another cliffhanger ending.”

Dr. Geoff raised his weapon, a murderous smile on his face. He clicked off the safety and took aim.

Jack Sh*t smiled a knowing smile.

“I’ll take that bet,” he said. “Dr. Geoff… say hello to my little fat friends.”

“POM’S AWAY!” came a chorus of wild raging voices from the back of the room.

Suddenly, Dr. Geoff was pummeled mercilessly with miniature bottles of POM pomegranate juice.

Tony the Anti-Jared, Carlos, Pink Panda Tony, Sean and Stephen were gathered at the far end of the table. They were pulling out bottles of POM from a stack of boxes, unscrewing the tops and firing them at the Wellsphere doctor. Pink Panda Tony nailed Dr. Geoff in the throat with a fast-ball special.

“Ha!” laughed Tony. “It’s pretty ironic that I’m the only one of us that doesn’t throw like a little girl.”

“Shut up and keep throwing,” said Carlos. “I’ve got some of my famous beans on the stove and I need to get back to them before they scorch.”

Splattered with juice from the barrage of POM bombs, Dr. Geoff swore under his breath and rushed away, leaving a purple trail behind him.

“Should we go after him?” asked Sean.

“You just want to interview him,” said Stephen.

“Let him go,” said Tony P. “I haven’t told the rest of you this yet, but… that man is my father.”

“Good news,” said Fat Daddy. “TOM just called and he’s feeling a ton better. He’s staying with his Aunt Dot and Aunt Flo until he’s completely recovered.”

“Well, all’s well that ends well,” said Jack, shaking hands with the other League members. “Tricia, somebody needs to mop up all this pomegranate juice before it stains the floor.”

“I hate this job,” she said, taking a mop from the closet.

“Please, Tricia,” said Jack. “Save it for the blog.”

Starting to mop up the huge puddle of purple juice as the League members celebrated, Tricia muttered under her breath: “Worst. Ending. Ever.”



  1. OMG! To come home after a long day and be rewarded with the entire story without having to wait at the end of each cliffhanger! I laughed out loud TMTC (Too Many Times to Count)
    Absolutely loved "Miss O'Gynnie"
    Flattered to be mentioned in the sequel....but hey I've got many, many more pain-inducing tricks in my medical bag - most that won't leave marks to the naked eye WEG. Since TOM, FLO and DOT don't come 'round anymore I'll killed them suckers off! But I still remember how to handle them - secrets every woman knows - Divine Secrets. Divine Secrets of the Fat Fat Sisterhood. Those wishing to join the Sisterhood leave a comment on my blog. Jack provided the sequel.....and now the Spinoff!

  2. I think you need to ease up on the pain meds!

  3. lmao...typical, it ends with a woman cleaning. ;-)

  4. Genius! Loved it! But I think you should keep going!!!!

  5. I gave you a blog award today. After this, I may take it back ;-)

  6. excellent.. i love it when i wait for the series to be available on Blueray, and can watch all the episodes at once! :)

    I'm wondering... IS Dr. Rutledge TOM in disguise?? He seems to appear on your blog about once a month or so... hrmmmmmmmmm

  7. I think that you have created a new genre of fan fiction - fat fantasy fiction! Way to go! What an innovator! :-)

  8. I would never have cleaned up that crap that the men did!!!! I would rub it in there fat faces!!!! Only kidding on the rub it in part, not the part about me not cleaning! :-)

  9. I wouldn't have mopped up either. lol Tricia is a real trooper.

  10. Since you made her mop up the place, Tricia is going to want to be in the club "officially" now.

    I'd like to known how much the pain meds contributed to this story.

  11. Oh, I'm almost sad that it's over.

    Although I am disappointed in Tricia. She should have told you where to stick that mop.

  12. Perhaps you need the hand of another superhero... say "foolsfitness"?

    Ok, it was a shameless ploy to get in the group on my part. I'm so jealous man! Just remember shunned superheroes tend to turn to evil and become the most powerful supervillians!!!


    Maybe you've got an opening for a sidekick?

    Afterall Foolsfitness is all about being "bigger" than life!-Alan

  13. Thanks for throwing in the fart joke, Jack. And I loved the POM bombs.

    But ending with Tricia cleaning up after the Fat Guys? Maybe you are the floor-cleaner at home, so I am going to conclude that you were just fantasizing about a woman taking orders like that.

  14. I knew POM would eventually save the world. Best episode ever.

  15. Quality stuff all; very enjoyable read.

    Love the LEFG.

    And glad you got my app.

    Thank you in advance for your time, and I look forward to the opportunity to join your fine organization and contribute to all the valuable work you do in the community.

  16. Yeah, I've gotta say I'm with screwdestiny. Tricia really should have told you where that mop could have gone.
    I would say that I'm jealous for not having my own personal nemesis. But then I remembered that I'm home all day with my, never mind!
    Great post as always! I really needed that laugh at the end of today-thank you!!

  17. Great story. Thanks Jack!

  18. Jack:
    The "Fat Fat Sisterhood" is not an exclusive club. We'll take anyone - any size, any gender.

    I'm not sure we can say the same for the ultra exclusive (?by invitation only?) League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.

    Shall I add you to the list of "Keepers of the Divine Secrets of Fat Fat Sisterhood?" You scream like girl so.......

  19. These chapters might be over but I smell a sequal!!!! Now, which celebs could play the LOEFG???

  20. Can't believe Tricia mopped up after you guys. Next up, Twenty Thousand Leagues of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen Under the Sea?

  21. I knew Dr. Geoff had to do something other than annoy people with spam mail...good to know. lmao. poms away.

  22. part 5! part 5!

    ok its official, jack is not a blogger, jack is a trance channeler! lol

  23. The only reason Tricia didn't say "shove it Jack" was because you wrote the ending lol. Great job!!!

  24. I take a little break, and I miss this terrific shit? If I would've known I was missing more than knock knock jokes, I would have read you a long time ago!

  25. How do you come up with this stuff? That was very funny!



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