Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Chapter Without a Clever Title


“Well?” asked Fat Daddy the next morning at the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen’s headquarters in Obese City.

Jack Sh*t, still decked out in his Sherlock Holmes outfit, was examining the conference room table with his magnifying glass.

“Well what, Fatson?” asked Jack. “Do you have a question for Sh*tlock Holmes?”

“Ummmmm, you said you know who tried to do in TOM.”

“That is correct, Fatson. I have used my powers of deduction to deduce the identity of the perpetrator in question.”

“You gonna keep calling me ‘Fatson’ until this whole adventure is over, aren’t you?” sighed Fat Daddy.

“Indubitably,” remarked Sh*tlock. “Now… who wants to destroy TOM forever?”

“Ummmmm,” answered Fat Daddy. “Every woman on earth?”


“Okay,” said Fat Daddy. “So you’ve narrowed our suspects down to every woman on earth…”

“Don’t make it sound so crappy,” said the detective. “I’ve cut the suspects down by roughly 50%.”

Tricia approached them with a handful of phone messages.

“Carlos called and said somebody just blew up his commuter train,” said Tricia. “Luckily, he just talked about riding the train and never actually rode it.”

“Probably just a coincidence,” said Jack.

“Probably,” said Tricia. “Also Tony Pos.. Pasnon… Picklenancy…ummm… Anti-Jared called to say some mysteriously clad dude who was supposed to be spotting him at the gym dropped a 400-lb weights on his neck.”

“Ouch,” said Jack.

“Yeah,” agreed Tricia. “Apparently, it left quite a bruise. And Stephen just tweeted that somebody just tried to run him down while he was training for his 5K.”

“Hmmmmm,” said Fat Daddy.

“And Pink Panda Tony got fired at from somebody with a crossbow…” said Tricia.

“Really?” asked Jack

“No,” replied Tricia. “But somebody did leave a really nasty anonymous comment on his blog, and Irene called to say somebody tried to take Sean’s tape recorder away from him last night.”

“I’m beginning to think that there’s more to this than we first thought,” said Jack.

“No sh*t, Sherlock,” said Fat Daddy. “I mean, Sh*tlock.”

“Apparently,” said Jack. “Someone is out to do away with the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

Suddenly, the lights all went off. A little girl’s blood-curdling scream filled the room.

“I’m sorry,” said Jack. “That was me.”

“This is another cliffhanger ending, right?” asked Fat Daddy.

“This job sucks,” said Tricia.



  1. I love this!
    Don't keep me in suspense too long - haha!

  2. “No sh*t, Sherlock,” said Fat Daddy. “I mean, Sh*tlock.”

    "Suddenly, the lights all went off. A little girl’s blood-curdling scream filled the room."

    “I’m sorry,” said Jack. “That was me.”

    Ok...those are the funniest lines in this entire...thing....

  3. OK, when did you say your back was going to get better??? Just kidding! You are too funny!

  4. Not to worry... I'm back in the gym tomorrow. This madness will all be over soon.

  5. Oh JS, you have waaaaaaaaaay too much time on your hands lol.

  6. How many chapters are in this story? It's torture all this waiting......especially when I already confessed. :)

  7. I'm actually thinking about foregoing an advanced screening of Zombieland tonight to catch the end of this magnificent train wreck.

  8. TOM seems like one of those gross things that shudders and throbs on the table in a sci-fi flick that either eventually a) explodes in a nasty concoction of juices and meaty chunks and unnatural high-pitched squeals, or b) controls the mind of the nearest weakling close-by just when you thought it was good and dead and communicates that There Will Be No Peace. And then is shot. Either way, things don't look good...

  9. Can't wait till tomorrow's installment.

  10. impatiently waiting for more. =)

  11. who could it be sh*tlock, who could it be? Perhaps fatson knows...lol.
    looking forward to the end...indubitably.

  12. or is that indubidably....probably.

  13. I am concerned that Tricia is unhappy with her job with us. She was begging to be in, yet she is not happy.

    Maybe she should get a promotion of sorts?

    By the way, very nice saga!

  14. This league is truly extraordinary.

  15. You know, if you could bottle that imagination and sell it, you'd be a millionaire by now.

  16. Ungay Tony is the only one that cares about me!



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