Monday, September 14, 2009

IM Over You, Beer

(6:47:36 PM) Beer: what’s your danm problum?
(6:59:35 PM) JackSh*t: pls leave me alone
(6:59:51 PM) Beer: what r u doin 2nite?
(7:01:06 PM) JackSh*t: not hanging out with you
(7:02:08 PM) Beer: u used 2 like hanging out wit me
(7:08:10 PM) JackSh*t: I used to melt cheese on corn chips, too
(7:08:36 PM) Beer: I’d be good with that, wouldn’t i?
(7:08:41 PM) JackSh*t: I’m trying to get some work done
(7:08:53 PM) Beer: u kno what else I’m good with? pissa!
(7:09:21 PM) JackSh*t: Pisa?
(7:10:20 PM) Beer: Pissa
(7:10:22 PM) Beer: u know… pissa!
(7:10:24 PM) JackSh*t: Pisa?
(7:10:29 PM) Beer: u know… like paparoni pissa
(7:10:51 PM) JackSh*t: you’re a moron
(7:10:58 PM) Beer: your more a mornon that I R
(7:11:09 PM) JackSh*t: Don’t you have a frat party to go to?
(7:11:13 PM) Beer: PARTAY! PARTAY!
(7:11:14 PM) Beer: We used 2 be BBFs
(7:11:18 PM) JackSh*t: BBFs?
(7:11:23 PM Beer: Best beer friends
(7:11:36 PM) JackSh*t: It’s over
(7:11:38 PM) Beer: That’s the sobriety talking, dude
(7:11:55 PM) Beer: let’s get ripped, juz 4 old tims sake
(7:13:30 PM) JackSh*t: Who’s Old Tim?
(7:13:48 PM) Beer: not funny
(7:13:52 PM) Beer: u r funnier after u have had a few
(7:13:55 PM) Beer: c’mon… just 1 or 2
(7:13:59 PM) Beer: pleez
(7:14:28 PM) JackSh*t: Sorry… I’m having some green tea.
(7:14:39 PM) Beer: I dont even know u anymore
(7:14:43 PM) JackSh*t: Look at this: moderate drinking (2-3 drinks) can result in depleted aerobic capacity and negative impact on endurance for up to 48 hours after the last drink has been consumed
(7:14:45 PM) Beer: that is stopid
(7:14:58 PM) JackSh*t: no, what’s “stopid” is consuming a lot of empty calories
(7:15:13 PM) Beer: empty “fun” calories, u have 2 admit
(7:15:45 PM) JackSh*t: seriously, I’ve got some work to do tonight
(7:15:57 PM) Beer: you know what would help you think?
(7:16:00 PM) Beer: a cold frosty 1
(7:17:34 PM) JackSh*t: I think I’m gonna stick with this yogurt
(7:17:46 PM) Beer: yogurt? gaaaah!
(7:17:49 PM) Beer: I just threw up in my own bottle
(7:19:41 PM) JackSh*t: Do you think I want that beer belly back?
(7:19:56 PM) Beer: chicks dig da beer belly
(7:20:56 PM) JackSh*t: I can’t believe we used to hang out together every night
(7:21:01 PM) JackSh*t: I was such an idiot
(7:21:12 PM) Beer: and u can b an idiot again
(7:21:46 PM) JackSh*t: Look, I’m just really trying to be more healthy, okay?
(7:22:09 PM) Beer: that iz the dumbist thing I have ever hurd
(7:23:27 PM) JackSh*t: It’s not you; it’s me.
(7:24:01 PM) Beer: of course its you… im awsome
(7:25:07 PM) JackSh*t: damn
(7:25:30 PM) Beer: what?
(7:25:41 PM) Beer: whats da matter?
(7:25:43 PM) JackSh*t: Getting another message
(7:25:49 PM) Beer: who iz it?
(7:33:44 PM) JackSh*t: this idiot dude keeps bugging me, but I don’t want anything to do with him
(7:34:00 PM) JackSh*t: what should I do?
(7:43:56 PM) Beer: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
(7:44:23 PM) JackSh*t: good idea
(7:44:29 PM) Beer: Me am full of good idears.
(7:44:48 PM) JackSh*t: hey… i have to go
(7:44:58 PM) Beer: why 4?
(7:45:10 PM) JackSh*t: my mom is kicking me off
(7:45:17 PM) JackSh*t: bye
(7:45:58 PM) Beer: come back l8ter, ok?


  1. Hhaah, great post! No beer belly campaign unite! Good work.

  2. I recently had that same conversation with beer and had to tell him who is boss. He is such a d*ckhead!

  3. had this same fight with the wine bottle this weekend!

  4. Yur funny! I want that there story done up about whine and chocolute :)

  5. Jack, there is a video on You Tube you would LOVE called Party in the Stomach. Maybe this link will work:


  6. Very funny. I was kicking around a similar post - after breaking up with wine a while back, I was left with my husband, some friends, amazing college football, AND a case of ice cold Coors Light. I fell off the wagon BIG TIME, and not even for a GOOD beer! I was drinking like a frat boy!

    So, today is all about pushing the water and doing a huge Last Chance Workout before my weigh in tomorrow. Ugh.

    Great post!

  7. Dang. This is getting taped up on my fridge. Better yet, on the beer fridge. Yes, we have a beer fridge in my husband's shop! Brutal temptation.

  8. I have that same conversation with ice cream... lol Too funny. You are VERY funny...

  9. u r freakin' hilarious. ttyl. ;0)

  10. Crazy. Kettle Corn sent me the same kind of message.

  11. I had to do this with chocolate - especially during the first few weeks of my journey.

    If I had had this back then, maybe I could have laughed my way to the produce section instead of crying when I passed the candy aisle!

  12. You're funny. I can relate. This is me and cheese. I'm glad you're winning. :)

    I tried to reply to your comment to my post in an email but couldn't. What did you do, like read the first two lines of my post only? lol Re-read. I made it quite clear that my friend was paddling the canoe and the dog was swimming behind him. :P

  13. Hmmmm...lucky for me, I've never liked the taste of beer, but this sounds very similar to a chat I've had with a bottle of wine lately...hmmmmm....

  14. Nice...

    BTW... they do have those. Its called a 5K!! Run one!!

  15. great post jack. beer leaves me alone these days, but his buddies, cornbread & butter hound me almost daily.

    some days its almost a chorus of junkfood ghosts wrestling to get back into my grocery cart and back on my hips.

    tell that beer to back off!

  16. I think when you kicked Beer to the curb, he came and camped out in my fridge!! I'm fighting him off like a trooper, tho'.

    Great post, as usual.

  17. thanks for the laugh, but in all seriousness, you conquered a big "devil" when you say no day after day! CONGRATS

  18. I had many alcoholic drinks this weekend for the first time in MONTHS! To some extent I did ween my points throughout the day so I could drink. Not sure how the results may end up...

  19. That was a great dialogue! Loved it.

  20. Beer always leads you to his sleazy friends, chips, dip and anything else you can get your hands on.

  21. Very funny! Beer, alcohol.. not my thing. I had to say good bye to my beloved bagels when the age hormones caught up with me. I was eating 1 per day along with all my great whole grain, really well made breads that have protein & fiber. The bagels, just calories & yummy goodness so banished to once per week at if I get there. I love my healthy breads though so I am lucky there!

  22. your beer and my chocolate must be closely related... they talk the same sh*t for sure...

  23. love it! especially the ending haha

  24. Haha, loved it! And really, you taking the time to right out all the exact times of the IMs was impressive.

  25. I just loved this one, Mr. Shit.

  26. Clever, clever, clever... as always! I loved the line, "I just threw up in my own bottle." lol

  27. Beer is such an obnoxious jerk!

  28. I just found your site and will be back. You have a great take on weight loss with wonderful humor.

  29. You are so witty and creative!

  30. Beer is like a 5th food group to me. I have not had one since May 4. I have since switched to Bloody Mary's once in a while.

    But I must admit it...I miss beer.

  31. OMG I miss beer!!!! Excellent, excellent post....very had me giggling all the way through it...and craving a Killian's...thanks a lot Jack. ;)

  32. LOL I've had that conversation with coffee when I gave up caffeine.

  33. I have had to give up wine recently-these conversations are ringing bells

  34. Love it!! very good as always...miss reading you, but I miss beer more...lmao...

  35. I can't even tell you the last time I had a beer. Damn. Now I want one.

  36. Ooooh, how I remember these conversations with Ben & Jerry. Good times.

  37. I've had similar conversations with Keebler Coconut Deluxe cookies.

    Creative as always.

  38. I've limited myself to one or two drinks, once or twice a week. I don't like the calories, don't like the buzz (I like very mild buzz, anything more than that makes me queasy and sleepy). Also I just quit cigarettes and drinking is not safe for me around them.



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