The Mizard of Miz (Part 3 of 6)

Dina Gail and Jack the Sh*tcrow were in reasonably good spirits until they found themselves in The Incredibly Creepy Forest.

“There’s something about this place that stinks worse than you do, Jack,” said Dina apprehensively.

“Oh, there’s nothing to worry about until it gets dark,” smiled Jack. “That’s when the killer vampire bats come out.”

“It’s already dark, dumbass!” shouted Dina.

“DON’T YELL!” screamed Jack. “THAT’S HOW THEY FIND YOU.”

Suddenly, the night air was filled with the beating of leathery wings. Hundreds of killer vampire bats circled above the travelers.

“DON’T WORRY!” yelled Jack. THEY WON’T BITE US. THEY DON’T LIKE THE TASTE OF POO!”

“I’m not full of crap like you, Sh*t-for-brains,” said Dina, swinging her basket of empty burger wrappers and juice boxes to fend off the rabid bats.

Then, a blinding white light flooded the forest. The intense flash spooked the hoard of bats and sent them scurrying away.

As Dina, Rikko and Jack stood in the road, trembling, a short, clanking figure slowly moved toward them.

“Five bucks says he’s made of tin,” said Dina.

“Hi,” said the hoodie-clad bodybuilder. “Some people call me the Anti-Jared, but you can just call me the Ton-Man.”

“Ton-Man?” asked Jack.

“Yeah, short for Tony. Sorry about that light. I accidentally shined my flashlight off my head.”

The Ton-Man pushed back the top of his hoodie to reveal a completely bald head. He noticed Dina and Jack’s uncomfortable looks and proceeded to burst out in song…

When a man's an empty hoodie,
He shouldn’t be uneasy, should he?
And yet I just don’t care.
I wouldn’t be such a screwball.
Wouldn’t look just like a cueball,
If I only had some hair.

I'd be tender, I'd be easy.
Never let it get all greasy.
I’d see a stylist named Pierre.
I wouldn’t pull, dye or dull it.
Wouldn’t wear it in a mullet,
If I only had some hair.

Picture me a balcony,
Below a voice sings well.

(Prince)
Throw down your hair, Rapunzel.

(Ton-Man)
I have long locks… that rocks!

I would be on a true mission,
I’d shampoo and I’d condition,
And live my life with flair.
I wouldn’t take any mo’ flack.
Co-workers wouldn’t call me Kojak,
If I only had some hair.


“Miz?” Dina asked Jack.

“Miz!” smiled Jack. “The Miz can totally get you some hair, dude.”

“You’re full of sh*t,” said the Ton-Man.

“It’s true,” confirmed Dina. “She’s very powerful.”

“No, I mean he really smells bad.”

“Yeah, just keep him downwind,” said Dina.

We’re off to see the Mizard,
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.
We’ll find she is a fitness whiz.
Yes, that’s the kind of a whiz she is.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there is,
The Mizard of Miz is the best one there is.
She is, she is, she is, she is, she is.
Because she’s simply the best in the biz.
We’re off to see the Mizard.
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

“That was kinda short,” complained Dina.

“Hmmmmmm,” replied Jack. “Well, we’ll go ahead and do Part 4 this afternoon.”

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