Sunday, November 22, 2009
I'm Mad And I'm Not Gonna Eat It Anymore!
Weekly weigh-in: 208.0
Total loss: 83.5 lbs.
Well, I’M MAD.
I worked out like A MADMAN this week. Like a FURIOUS VISIGOTH under Alaric I who SACKED Rome in the year 410. WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? Well, I’ll tell you what… I DON’T KNOW! Why am I hollering so much? BECAUSE I’M SO DAMN MAD!
Anyway, I worked out like a CRAZY PERSON, even doubling up a couple of days. I ate on plan like a CRAZY PERSON who eats REALLY WELL. I was trying to put a good week together in anticipation of a disruptive holiday week. I wanted a solid loss so that if I gave a little back the next week, I wouldn’t feel too bad about it.
So I was chugging along, being a poster child for AWESOME, blasting out intense workouts and even cutting back some of my calories. Maybe I’ve got ONE MORE SURPRISING WEIGH-IN left in me, I thought as I peeked at the scale mid-week.
Then came Friday night and going to a college basketball after a lovely dinner at Hooter’s. I mean, HOOTERS! I checked out the menu online beforehand and saw that a lot of the items weren’t too bad diet-wise, as long as you put in a “SPECIAL REQUEST” for the cooks to prepare the dish COMPLETELY UNLIKE HE NORMALLY DOES. I’m sorry, but I’ve eaten at Hooter’s quite a few times and I’m pretty sure that if you’re a man and you actually tried to ORDER A BUN PREPARED WITH NO BUTTER or any other of the other silly “SPECIAL REQUESTS”, your big-topped waitress would SLAP THE SH*T out of you.
So I ordered a half pound of steamed shrimp, which the online guide lists at 300 calories as long as you don’t factor in the cocktail sauce or the tub of drawn butter (ONE MILLION CALORIES). I dumped HALF A SHAKER’S worth of black pepper on the suckers and they still tasted like tasteless lumps of SILLY PUTTY.
Luckily I had an ice cold Amstel Light to wash it down, and then another. Drinking Amstel Light always reminds me of a trip my family took to Crete a dozen years or so. Every day at lunch, I’d drink the biggest bottle you’ve ever laid your eyes on of Amstel, Amstel Light’s smarter and better-looking big brother. I’d have a big lunch, accompanied by a big bottle of Amstel, and later take a nap. I never felt so civilized (I’m so calm just thinking about it that I’ve ceased typing in capitalized letters).
Then I got back from the two-week vacation and realized that, somehow, someway, I HAD GAINED THIRTY POUNDS. That didn’t stop me from searching high and low for regular Amstel beer, but the distributor (yes, I took my quest all the way to the distribution company) said that nobody carried Amstel for some, strange reason. F*CK A DUCK!
So I had a few Amstel Lights and reminisced about fatter, carefree-er times. I guess what I’d really like to do is find some way to marry that nice easy feeling with my new healthier lifestyle. I want it to become easier and not be such a chore. I’ve made strides in that direction, but it’s still tough sledding during college basketball season.
We’ll see how it goes through the holidays, but if I were you, I’D EXPECT TO SEE MORE CAPITAL LETTERS NEXT WEEK!!!!!