The Mizard of Miz (Part 1 of 6)

Dina Gail was in the Home section of K-Mart, shopping for a new bathroom scale (she’d accidentally-on purpose shattered the old one with a cinder block). She caught a reflection of herself in the Mirror aisle and noted two troubling observations: (1) she wasn’t doing so hot on her weight-loss journey and (2) everything she saw seemed to be in black and white. She debated calling the optometrist for an eye exam when suddenly she felt the sudden urge to burst out into song…

Somewhere, over the rainbow, I understand.
There's a place that I heard of: folks call it Onederland.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, life’s less exhausting.
And the dreams that you dream
Aren’t all about butter-cream frosting.
Someday I'll shake things up and wake up
To find that clothes no longer bind me.
I’ll develop a taste for food that’s fresh,
And quit seeing quite so much flesh
When I look behind me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow,
Some peeps diet. Peeps diet and find Onederland.
Why, then - oh, why won’t I try it?
If happy little people diet right to Onederland
Why, oh, why won’t I try it?

“ATTENTION, K-MART SHOPPERS,” boomed a voice over the loudspeakers. “FOR THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES, WE’RE OFFERING A BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL ON FERRET SHAMPOO.”

“Ohh,” exclaimed Dina excitedly, opening her purse slightly to speak to her pet ferret Rikko she had squirreled away in there. “Didja hear that? A special on ferret shampoo!”

Rikko squealed with excitement as Dina clasped the purse back shut and turned her cart back toward Pet Supplies.

“ALSO,” continued the voice. “THIS AREA IS UNDER A SEVERE TORNADO WATCH FOR THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES. ALL SHOPPERS ARE ADVISED TO MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE STORE FOR THEIR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY.”

“Ha!” laughed Dina as she watched a hoard of panicked shoppers rush past her. “More ferret shampoo for me!”

A few minutes later, she was greedily piling bottles into her cart when her purse started banging wildly at her side.

“Geez!” Dina frowned. “Calm down. I’m not getting you any ferret treats this trip. We’re just…”

But Dina suddenly realized that the lights just went dark and the entire store had just been lifted up into the air and was spinning wildly. She held on tightly to the handle of the cart with one hand and continued grabbing at value-priced pet shampoo with the other.

“Gotta… hurry,” exclaimed Dina breathlessly. “Blue… light… special… over… in… ten… minutes.”

Suddenly the ground shook violently and Dina made her way to the front of the store to see what exactly had happened.

As she exited the store, she was somewhat surprised to find that she was seeing in Technicolor and that the parking lot had been replaced with a strange little colorful village filled with tiny huts and miniature versions of Burger King, McDonald’s and Taco Bell.

“Rikko,” said Dina breathlessly. “I don’t think we’re in K-Mart anymore.”

She let Rikko out of her handbag, and he flopped to the ground and sniffed at the air.

“Yeah, I know,” said Dina excitedly. “French fries!”

Then she heard strange tittering, along with the sound of noisy chewing.

“Who’s there?” called out Dina.

Rikko looked up into the sky and starting sneering and spitting. Dina gazed up to witness a giant bubble floating gently to earth. Inside the orb was a smiling woman holding a wand and wearing a sparkly white dress.

“Tricia?” asked Dina, squinting into the sun.

“G`day, my dear,” said the red-headed woman who emerged from the bubble. “Some people call me Dietgirl, but my name is Shaunda the Good.”

“The good what?” asked Dina.

“The good witch,” replied the smiling Shaunda. “You’ve saved all the good people of Munchin’ville.”

“Munchin’ville?” asked Dina, perplexed.

“You’re kinda slow on the uptick aren’t you, dearie,” chirped Shaunda. “Muchin’ville is the home of the Munchins.”

“Are those the little creeps chowing down on all the fast food?” asked Dina.

“Oh course, my dear,” smiled Shaunda.

“I guess they don’t like me,” remarked Dina. “Or else they don’t like you.”

“They’re afraid of you, dearie,” laughed Shaunda. “After all, you killed the woman who terrorized them for years.”

“Say what?”

“That’s right,” said Shaunda. “You dropped your house on the evil Bitch Cakes.”

“First off, it’s not my house, it’s a K-Mart,” snapped Dina. “And second, I have no idea who this Bitchface person is.”

“Bitch Cakes, the wicked bitch of the East Coast,” explained Shaunda. “She also has a famous weight-loss blog.”

“Oh, I have a famous weight-loss blog called Pseudogout,” remarked Dina. “Only it’s not very famous and it’s hardly ever about weight loss.”

Shaunda turned and began singing loudly…

Come out, come out.
Put down your milkshakes.
And meet the young lady,
Who crushed ol’ Bitch Cakes.

She fell from the sky,
She fell like a log.
And Pseudogout, she says,
Is the name of her blog.
Pseudogout, she says,
Is the name of her blog.
She brings you good news.
Tidings unsurpassed.
Did she bitchslap Miss Bitch Cakes?
You bet your sweet ass.

As a whole slew of roly-poly little people slowly made their way out of hiding, carrying with them sacks of greasy fried food, Dina backtracked to the fallen K-Mart and noticed a twisted arm sticking out of the wreckage.

“Yes, you definitely killed Bitch Cakes,” said Shaunda. “She had a ton of followers, too.”

“Look at that sparkly ruby Body Bugg strapped to her arm,” noted Dina appreciatively. “That was one stylin’ bitch.”

“Yes, she was,” agreed Shaunda, kneeling to take the armband.

“Ummmm,” commented Dina. “Should you be taking that?”

“Well,” laughed Shaunda. “I think her step-counting days are ovah, sister.”

Suddenly an evil laugh filled the air and a hard, grating voice could be heard from above.

The Munchins all dropped their lunches and ran screaming for cover. Rikko ran up under Dina’s legs and started quivering with fear.

“Who’s that?” asked Dina.

“Oh,” said Shaunda. “That’s the wicked bitch.”

“Hold on,” sneered Dina. “You said the wicked bitch was dead.”

“That was the other wicked bitch.”

“Bitch of the East, bitch of the West,” frowned Dina. “Just how many bitches are up in this crackhouse anyway?”

“Just one now,” smiled Shaunda. “But she’s the really, really bad one.”

“Damn, I wish this cold medicine would wear off…” said Dina, shaking her head.

“You killed Bitch Cakes,” cackled Jillian. “And I’m about to tear into you like you brought a sack of gummi bears to a Last Chance Workout. I’m gonna… wait! What’s that you’ve got on your arm?”

“What?” said Dina, looking down at herself. There, strapped to her left bicep was the ruby red Body Bugg.

“That’s my Body Bugg!” screamed Jillian. “Give it to me!”

Dina tugged at the armband. “Ummmm, I can’t seem to get it off.”

“I’ve got a good idea,” smiled Jillian cruelly. “How about I just rip your arm out of the socket and…”

A cellphone buzzed and Jillian stopped to answer it.

“What is it , Bob?” she shrieked. “They’re starting the weigh-in without me? Oh, I don’t think so…”

Jillian hung up and turned to face Dina again. “Okay, little missy,” she yelled. “This sh*t ain’t over. I’ll get you and your little… what in the name of holy f*ck is that thing anyway?”

“He’s my ferret, bitch,” sneered Dina.

“Well, I’m gonna get you and your little … ferret, too,” cackled Jillian. “Man, that just doesn’t sound quite right.”

Still shaking her head, Jillian got on her broomstick and flew off.

“You really don’t want to antagonize her, my dear,” noted Shaunda. “She’s very powerful.”

“Well, I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you?” asked Dina.

“If I were you, I’d head to Miz,” suggested Shaunda.

“To Miz?”

“Yes, to see the marvelous Mizard of Miz.”

“What’s a ‘mizard’?” asked Dina.

“Female wizard,” answered Shaunda.

“Of course it is,” sighed Dina, shaking her head. “Okay, I suppose that’s the only way I’m ever getting home. So I do I find this marvelous mizard?”

“Why, you follow the Yellow Fit Road,” smiled Shaunda.

“Follow the Yellow Fit Road?” asked Dina.

“Did I stutter?” laughed Shaunda. “Just follow the Yellow Fit Road and it will take you all the way to the Land of Miz. Be be forewarned: you will meet many strange characters and have many adventures along the way.”

“Kill me dead,” muttered Dina.

“Don’t forget to set the ruby Body Bugg,” said Shaunda. “And it wouldn’t hurt you to jog some of the way.”

On her way down the brick jogging path, various Munchins offered her Pringles, beef jerky and juice boxes for the trip, placing them in a small basket.

“I guess there’s no chance of getting some Tequila?” asked Dina.

The Munchins tittered, waved goodbye and began singing to Dina...

Follow the Yellow Fit Road.
Follow the Yellow Fit Road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the Yellow Fit Road.
Follow the Yellow Fit, Follow the Yellow Fit,
Follow the the Yellow Fit Road…

You’re off to see the Mizard,
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.
You'll find she is a fitness whiz,
Yes, that’s the kind of a whiz she is.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there is
The Mizard of Miz is the best one there is
She is, she is, she is, she is, she is.
Because she’s simply the best in the biz.
You’re off to see the Mizard.
The Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

“I swear,” muttered Dina, starting to jog down the brick pathway. “This is gonna be a long-ass week.”