Friday, November 6, 2009

The Mizard of Miz (Part 6 of 6)

“Well, my pretty,” squealed Jillian. “I want to know when you’re going to give me that ruby Body Bugg?”

“Ummm,” said Dina, a confused expression on her face. “I'd like to know why we skipped ahead to this part.”

Jack said we were running long,” came a voice in the corner. “We’ve got to pick up the pace.”

Tricia?” exclaimed Dina.

“Hiya, pal,” said Tricia.

“You’re a…. you’re a…”

“Yeah, I’m a flying monkey,” said Tricia. “But hey… it’s more prestigious and pays better than being a secretary for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Quiet!” barked Jillian. “I want that ruby Body Bugg and I want it now.”

“I can’t get it off,” answered Dina. “Plus, you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Jillian cackled and flicked on a nearby TV.

“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “I just put a super-secret death spell on your fat ass. You have until this episode of The Biggest Loser is over to figure out how to get that Body Bugg off or you die.”

“Is this the episode where the rest of them kill Tracy?” asked Tricia excitedly.

“Go round up the other monkeys!” Jillian shrieked at Tricia, who sneered back but eventually slowly flew out the window and toward the flying monkey rec room.

“Now,” said Jillian, turning back to Dina. “I’m going to film a product placement segment. I suggest you find some way to give me what I want.”

Jillian slammed the door behind her, and Dina let out a big sigh. She fiddled with the Body Bugg for a few moments, but soon got absorbed in watching The Biggest Loser.

Outside the wicked bitch’s castle, Ton-Man, Carlos and Jack the Sh*tcrow stared down at a long row of guards who were marching in front of the building.

“I’ve got an idea,” said Ton-Man. “We dress up like guards and sneak into the castle.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” said Jack, who was well aware that the story was running long and really needed to be wrapped up soon. “How about we take this AK-47 I found on the ground and shoot all the guards from right here?”

“What kind of sick bastards do you think we are?” asked Ton-Man.

“Give me that,” said Carlos, who clicked off the safety and opened fire on the guards below. In a few grisly moments, it was all over.

“Well that was incredibly easy,” frowned Ton-Man.

“We just didn’t have the budget for a additional guard costumes,” explained Jack as he got up and made his way toward the castle.

A short while later, Rikko led them to the door of the room where Dina was being kept.

“Hurry!” exclaimed Dina from behind the locked door. “They just started the weigh-in.”

“Don’t worry,” said Carlos. “They’ll have a couple of cliffhangers and twenty or thirty commercials. We’ve got plenty of time.”

“We could make a battering ram,” suggested Jack.

“Out of what?” asked Ton-Man.

“Something big and heavy, maybe,” said Jack.

“Hey, Sh*tlock Holmes,” said Carlos. “Did you try the door?”

Jack tried the knob and opened the door. Rikko rushed in and jumped into Dina’s lap.

“Rikko, you’re safe!” exclaimed Dina.

“We’re fine, too,” said Jack.

“Whatever,” replied Dina. “Let’s get out of here. This has just gone on long enough.”

“Not so fast, my lovelies,” sneered an evil voice.

“Ahhh!” screamed Ton-Man. “The wicked b*tch of the West Coast!”

“Jillian?” asked Carlos, dumbfounded. “I figured it would be Camevil. I mean, her name’s got the word ‘evil’ in, for God’s sake.”


“You got that right, sister!” exclaimed Jack, throwing a giant bucket of warm, brown glop onto the wicked bitch.

“Ewwwwwwww!” said Carlos, Dina and Ton-Man.

“You think I’m afraid of a little sh*t?” laughed Jillian.

“It’s not sh*t,” smiled Jack. “It’s chocolate pudding.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” screamed Jillian, going beserk. “Do you know how much fat, sugar and calories are in chocolate pudding?”

Screaming like a banshee, Jillian leapt out the window and crashed hard into the courtyard below.

“Don’t worry about her,” said Ton-Man. “She’s too mean to die. But that should put her out of commission for a while.”

The next day, the group was again standing before the Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

You did a halfway decent fantastic job destroying all the bitches of Miz,” she told them. “Now what can I do for you?”

“I’d like some hair,” spoke up Tony.

“Where I come from,” said the Mizard. “Men with hair are constantly worried about it falling out, developing bald spots and turning grey. So here’s this instead…”

“A new hoodie,” smiled Ton-Man. “Thanks, Mizard.”

“A guess a little mojo is out of the question,” asked Carlos.

“Carlos, where I come from there are people who have mojo coming out of their ears, but there’s one thing they don’t have…” said the Mizard, pulling out a silver dish from behind her back.

“A BBQ sandwich and a beer,” laughed Carlos. “You rock, Mizard!”

“What about the fact that I’m full of sh*t?” asked Jack.

“Where I come from, there are a lot of people who are full of sh*t, Jack,” explained the Mizard. “But they have one thing you don’t have. A blog.”

Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit?” said Jack. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you’re going to be very busy from here on out,” replied the Mizard.

“And what about me?” asked Dina. “I just want to get the hell out of here.”

“You gotta talk to my podcast partner,” smiled the Mizard, and suddenly the Dietgirl floated down from above in her magic bubble.

“Shaunda the Good?” frowned Dina. “Are you gotta be kiddin’ me?”

“That’s right, Dina,” smiled Shaunda. “Didn’t see that coming, did you?”

“It’s the ruby Body Bugg, right?” asked Dina.

“Of course,” replied Shaunda. “Just press the button there that says ‘HOME’ and say ‘There’s no place like Pseduogout. There’s no place like Pseudogout.’

When she opened her eyes, Dina was back in the store where a surly cashier was telling her that the Blue Light Special had expired and the ferret shampoo was now back at full price.

“Well, Rikko” said Dina. “I think we learned a valuable lesson on this mad-cap adventure: K-Mart sucks!”



  1. I said "Ewwwwwwwwww" right along with everyone else & then lol at the chocolate pudding.

    Fabulous ending...good job skipping past the boring sh*t. ;)

    Thanks for sharing.

    Enjoy the weekend!

  2. Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

  3. What a great story!!! Great job Jack! Can't wait till the next blog tale.

  4. Well done. Absolutely loved.

  5. What a great lil tale! :) Thanks for making this a great week Jack! :)

  6. Oh my, this is bringing the lolz. And I love the moral of this tale: Guns solve everything.

    Trish has a sweet new job...I always wondered what it would be like to be a flying monkey. The power.

    And for the record, I'm the wicked b***h of the North coast.

  7. Hee hee! Can't wait for the next story! (There will be more, right?)

  8. So an ak is cheaper than guard costumes? LOL Great finish, Jack.

  9. What, no ruby body bugg giveaway?????!!! ;-) You are toooooooooooooooooooooooo much!

  10. Im with Lainey. cuz you have nothing else going on--right?


  11. Awesome. And being on week 3 of the 30 day shred I totally have some pent up rage at Ms. Jillian right now. Chocolate pudding = glee! :)

  12. More stories! It's better than eatin'!

  13. K-Mart does, indeed, suck.

    But this story did not. Entertaining as always.

  14. I have 50 hoodies.

    She could not give me any God-Da*n hair?

  15. Oh what a wonderful wiz you iz!
    I enjoyed that!
    But what were they REALLY doing in the poppy field so long? Did it have anything to do with Pink Floyd?

  16. Where else would we work our sh*t out, but on this thing we call a blog. I love the moral of this tale, when all else fails, bring on the chocolate pudding and the ak's.

  17. I'm just discovering your site but you must write books! Lots and lots of books! Oh, and seeing the Star of David as a Superman Insignia? I must have this shirt!



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