After I ticked off the POM Wonderful people (personally, I think they took the phrase “purple urine” completely out of context), I figured I was out of the product-review business for the foreseeable future. It was disappointing because… hey, who doesn’t want free stuff sent to their house?
So I read the reviews other bloggers did and I died a little bit inside each time. Why, oh, why did I boot my chance to score free swag and get softball topics for blog posts at the same time? All it would have taken for me to get on the freebie gravy train was an “Oh, this product is wonderful!” and “Oh, that product is the greatest thing since sliced beer.”
Then, I got an email for somebody wanting to send me something for nothing and then let me write anything I want about it. Bwahahahaha! Suckers! Fools! Nitwits! The fine folks at Nutra-Trim shipped a huge packet of appetite suppressant gum for me to review.
I sharpened up my carving knives and sat down to type…
Then I sat back and thought about it. First, was it fair for me to savage a product merely for entertainment purposes? Was it right to blast it with both barrels just to get a laugh? Was it fair to write a review without even trying the product?
Okay, hmmmm, we have some appetite suppressin’ gum from Nutri-Trim here, which I surmise from the name is “nutritional” (or perhaps “nutrim-tional”). It’s purpose is to help you lower cravings for food. Infused with Green Tea Extract, L- Carnitine and Chromium Picolinate (natural and naturally-occurring elements that increase and regulate metabolism), I found Nutra -Trim to be incredibly green-teaful, very l-carnitinish and just a wee bit chromium picolinatey.
I bit into a couple of pieces and strapped myself in for the rush, waiting for my metabolism to reach max G-force velocity. Then I noticed the oddest sensation: I wasn’t the least bit hungry. Then I came to a sudden realization: I wasn’t hungry because I was in the middle of lunch. I made a note to postpone my gum-testing until later in the afternoon.
As I resumed the test, I took note that Nutri-Trim comes in three flavors: Berry, Spearmint and Trout (may have imagined that last one). These little babies come in at 2.5 calories per piece and are SUGAR FREE! They're also CAFFEINE-FREE (except for the caffeine that’s naturally in green tea) and contain no EPHEDRA (which is good because side effects of EPHEDRA include nausea, headache, dizziness, stomach irritation, diarrhea, anxiety, psychosis, kidney stones, tremors, dry mouth, irregular or rapid heart rhythms, heart damage, high blood pressure, restlessness; nervousness, sleeping problems, flushing, sweating, increased urination and decreased appetite. I know, you’re like me: you read that mile-long list of side effects and came away thinking “Decreased appetite, huh?”).
So let’s examine what makes Nutri-Trim so super-fantastic. Hmmmmm, Chromium. I read somewhere that chromium picolinate complex causes chromosome damage in hamster cells, but I don’t have any hamster cells (that I know of), so no harm there.
There’s also L-Carnitine, and I read somewhere else that L-Carnitine and supplements listing L-Carnitine are banned from sale in Canada, but I’m not Canadian, so that’s okay for me, too. It’s a “quaternary ammonium compound synthesized from the amino acids lysine and methionine and is responsible for the transport of fatty acids from the cytosol into the mitochondria.” I’m going to go ahead and assume that that’s something really good for you, just like I always assume all that fine print gibberish on my credit card statement is good news.
Here’s the thing: I’m a big believer in gum… any ol’ gum… as an appetite suppressant. Truthfully, I eat smaller meals throughout the day, so I rarely get too awfully hungry. On those occasions that I do… when I’m driving home from work, when I’m stuck in an extra-long meeting, when I’m at the movies… I’ll chew a couple of pieces of sugar-free gum. I keep a variety of flavors at my desk and in my car, and chewing a few pieces always seems to take the edge off my hunger.
There’s nothing terribly wrong or even particularly ineffective about this Nutra-Trim gum, but I don’t need it and I can't imagine that you really need it either. I’m sorry to say that because I really like free stuff in my mailbox, but I think you can get the same effect by putting your game face on and digging into a buck-fifty pack of Dentyne.
Thanks for the gum, Nutri-Trim lady.
Good luck finding another job.