Jack's Product Ruff-views

 I don't know of anybody who's more of a multi-tasking multi-tasker than me. Yet somehow I get farther and farther behind in reviewing products that companies send me to review. So I'm taking time out of my busy, busy, busy day to do some reviewing. I hope you appreciate it!

I will be using the patent-pending Jack Sh*t Ruff-view Pup-O-Meter™ to rate these products. It's really pretty simple: I use a sliding scale of one to five puppies. Something that is rated one puppy is simply horrible...

Such as plain yogurt...

...or anything prepared with cilantro.

And five puppies represents the perfect foodstuff. Such as.... hmmmmm... come to think of it, I don't think I've ever had a five-puppy food. Maybe today's the day! 

 A few weeks ago, Kobaya sent me a few bags of their roasted-in-the-shell almonds, along with a sheet of all the health benefits. At least I seem to remember a sheet of health benefits...

 Kobaya starts with California almonds, then ships them to Japan and does some kabuki-style magic to boost their flavor (they come in wasabi, black pepper or almond flavor), and then ship them back to me in the USA. These are some ocean-crossin' nuts! 

The Kobaya process involves coating each almond with premium rice flour, applied by hand, so that the roasted almonds can be produced with new flavors and seasonings. Hey Kobaya, while you're at it can you go ahead and shell them for me?

 They provide nutritional information on the back of the package, just like every other foodstuff sold everywhere you look. 

 Not bad! The Wasabi flavor could have been a little more wasabi-y, but these don't have that chemically taste of some flavored almonds I could name.

I give Kobaya Roasted-in-Shell Wasabi Flavor Almonds a solid three-puppy rating. Great job!

Did you know Vitatops are coming out with a new Wild Blueberry flavor? Probably, because it's been at least six weeks since they sent me a "snack peek" at the new flavor. You guys rock, Vitatop!

I've seen these in stores now, so my procrastination pays off for you; I won't get you all worked up over a product you can't get yet. Dammit, that would have been really fun!

All Vitalicious products are Kosher certified and all natural with no artificial additives or preservatives. At least I'm assuming that's true since I just cut and pasted the sentence from their web site. 

Ingredients and nutritional info on back? Check!

Nice blueberry muffiny taste and texture and helps me take my mind off all the spider webs up in that corner. Need to quit being so lazy and write a note to the housekeeper to take care of that. 

Vitatops Wild Blueberry snacks rate a stellar four puppies! 

 Next up are a bevvy of frozen desserts from the good folks at Arctic Zero. To be honest, I had picked up a carton at the grocery store awhile back and had tossed most of it in the trash after everyone in the family gave it a thumbs down. I didn't recognize the name on the email query and was surprised when the large box showed up on my doorstep.

Arctic Zero's goal was to create "a low calorie dessert that would allow families to indulge in their frozen sweet tooth cravings without sacrificing a healthy lifestyle." 

 First up: chocolate mint. It has a very... what's the word I'm looking for?... oh yeah... atrocious flavor.

Chocolate peanut butter? 

 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I have never been so sad. My eyes say I'm eating ice cream but my brain is screaming "Why are you punishing me?"

Pretty sure this is what utter despair tastes like.

Toss my Cookies and Cream.

 

Ummmm...Strawberry isn't half bad. Reminds me of that Nestle Quik drink I liked as a kid...

Hmmmm... usually I prefer food on a stick, but this is highly disappointing.

 The back asks if I "can resist the urge to eat the entire pint"

Ummmmm... yeah. 

 I seriously considered only giving the Arctic Zero frozen dessert line one puppy, but they also sent a bag of dry ice which seriously rocks. Thanks, Arctic Zero!

Disclaimers: I was not paid for reviewing these products, and hardly any puppies were harmed in the making of this post.

Product Review: Nutra-Trim Gum

After I ticked off the POM Wonderful people (personally, I think they took the phrase “purple urine” completely out of context), I figured I was out of the product-review business for the foreseeable future. It was disappointing because… hey, who doesn’t want free stuff sent to their house?

So I read the reviews other bloggers did and I died a little bit inside each time. Why, oh, why did I boot my chance to score free swag and get softball topics for blog posts at the same time? All it would have taken for me to get on the freebie gravy train was an “Oh, this product is wonderful!” and “Oh, that product is the greatest thing since sliced beer.”

Then, I got an email for somebody wanting to send me something for nothing and then let me write anything I want about it. Bwahahahaha! Suckers! Fools! Nitwits! The fine folks at Nutra-Trim shipped a huge packet of appetite suppressant gum for me to review.

I sharpened up my carving knives and sat down to type…

Then I sat back and thought about it. First, was it fair for me to savage a product merely for entertainment purposes? Was it right to blast it with both barrels just to get a laugh? Was it fair to write a review without even trying the product?

Okay, hmmmm, we have some appetite suppressin’ gum from Nutri-Trim here, which I surmise from the name is “nutritional” (or perhaps “nutrim-tional”). It’s purpose is to help you lower cravings for food. Infused with Green Tea Extract, L- Carnitine and Chromium Picolinate (natural and naturally-occurring elements that increase and regulate metabolism), I found Nutra -Trim to be incredibly green-teaful, very l-carnitinish and just a wee bit chromium picolinatey.

I bit into a couple of pieces and strapped myself in for the rush, waiting for my metabolism to reach max G-force velocity. Then I noticed the oddest sensation: I wasn’t the least bit hungry. Then I came to a sudden realization: I wasn’t hungry because I was in the middle of lunch. I made a note to postpone my gum-testing until later in the afternoon.

As I resumed the test, I took note that Nutri-Trim comes in three flavors: Berry, Spearmint and Trout (may have imagined that last one). These little babies come in at 2.5 calories per piece and are SUGAR FREE! They're also CAFFEINE-FREE (except for the caffeine that’s naturally in green tea) and contain no EPHEDRA (which is good because side effects of EPHEDRA include nausea, headache, dizziness, stomach irritation, diarrhea, anxiety, psychosis, kidney stones, tremors, dry mouth, irregular or rapid heart rhythms, heart damage, high blood pressure, restlessness; nervousness, sleeping problems, flushing, sweating, increased urination and decreased appetite. I know, you’re like me: you read that mile-long list of side effects and came away thinking “Decreased appetite, huh?”).

So let’s examine what makes Nutri-Trim so super-fantastic. Hmmmmm, Chromium. I read somewhere that chromium picolinate complex causes chromosome damage in hamster cells, but I don’t have any hamster cells (that I know of), so no harm there.

There’s also L-Carnitine, and I read somewhere else that L-Carnitine and supplements listing L-Carnitine are banned from sale in Canada, but I’m not Canadian, so that’s okay for me, too. It’s a “quaternary ammonium compound synthesized from the amino acids lysine and methionine and is responsible for the transport of fatty acids from the cytosol into the mitochondria.” I’m going to go ahead and assume that that’s something really good for you, just like I always assume all that fine print gibberish on my credit card statement is good news.

Here’s the thing: I’m a big believer in gum… any ol’ gum… as an appetite suppressant. Truthfully, I eat smaller meals throughout the day, so I rarely get too awfully hungry. On those occasions that I do… when I’m driving home from work, when I’m stuck in an extra-long meeting, when I’m at the movies… I’ll chew a couple of pieces of sugar-free gum. I keep a variety of flavors at my desk and in my car, and chewing a few pieces always seems to take the edge off my hunger.

There’s nothing terribly wrong or even particularly ineffective about this Nutra-Trim gum, but I don’t need it and I can't imagine that you really need it either. I’m sorry to say that because I really like free stuff in my mailbox, but I think you can get the same effect by putting your game face on and digging into a buck-fifty pack of Dentyne.

Thanks for the gum, Nutri-Trim lady.

Good luck finding another job.