Remember...

Thanksgiving Survival Guide

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.

Tips to Get Through Thanksgiving Dinner

• Sneeze in the bowl when somebody passes you the candied yams
• 
In honor of Native American traditions, skip Thanksgiving dinner and go play penny slots at the casino


  
  
• Fake a coma
• 
Tell family you're on hunger strike until network brings back “Fly Girls”
• Read a brochure about diabetes while eating
• Cover your teeth with Play-Doh
• Chew each bite 200 times
• Go to the kitchen and get a new fork every time you take a bite
• Secretly feed half the food on your plate to your dog under the table (if you don’t have a dog, ask a friend to sit under the table and eat scraps)
• 
Do the ol' yank-the-tablecloth-off-the-table trick
• 
Suddenly remember that you forgot to fill out the warranty card on the new vacuum cleaner you just bought and run out of the house screaming
• 
Glue a bunch of rice cakes together, then carve a turkey out of it
• 
Instead of eating your mom's cooking, try eating my mom's cooking
• 
Recreate John Belushi's famous "I'm a zit!" mashed potato bit from Animal House
• 
Instead of having a big slice of homemade pumpkin pie with freshly whipped cream on top, why not try going to a back bedroom and weeping 
inconsolably?

.

My Secret Plan for the Holiday...

Actually, I was just gonna leave today's post at that, but the marvelous MizFit inspired me to work up a list of memorized phrases to help people get through Thanksgiving dinner without overdoing it:

• “Sorry, my tapeworm won’t allow me to eat pumpkin pie.”
• “My religion forbids cranberry sauce.”
• “No thanks. I happen to know that Cousin Jimmy licked all the rolls before dinner.”
• “My doctor informed me that even one slice of pecan pie will make my spleen explode.”
• “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”
• “That stuffing looks delicious but it brings back hurtful memories of that fraternity hazing incident that’s too painful for me to talk about…”
• “I’m allergic to second helpings.”
• “I don’t think so. Dad always buys his turkeys from some dude who sells them out of the trunk of his Grand Am along with bootleg DVDs…”
• “I yam not gonna have any of those marshmallowy sweet potatoes, thank you very much.”
• “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…”
• “Do you have any diet wine?”
• “No thanks… I had giblets for breakfast this morning.”
• “No green bean casserole for me this year; I’m showing my support for the plight of Chillean green bean farmers.”
• “No thanks. I saw Grandma spit into the mashed potatoes while she was making them.”

Happy holidays from the entire Sh*t family.

The Real First Thanksgiving

A long, long time ago the Pilgrims caused quite a commotion,

By telling England to kiss their ass and sailing across the ocean.

Their ship was called the “Mayflower.” They called it that because

It was a better name that “Miserable Dank Smelly Deathtrap” was.

The group had been out a’sailin’ for around ten months or so,

But decided to make for land when their snacks were runnin’ low.

They made land in a spot they voted to call Plymouth Rock

(because an old Plymouth was parked there, one tire on a block).

They had been persecuted heavily in the land that they had departed,

But here in this brave new world, a new life they all started.

The Pilgrims were intent on making a home out of this little patch they carved out.

But after a few weeks their supplies were gone, and they were nearly starved out.

Yes, the Pilgrims were eating nothing more than dirt and sand and fescue.

But then some friendly Indians (ahem, Native Americans) came running to their rescue.

A pact between these native folks and the hungry Pilgrims was born.

That Spring they even helped in clearing land and planting corn.

They taught them how to cook real well; they shared their recipes

(unfortunately most of the dishes were fried and smothered in melted cheese).

By Autumn, all the Pilgrims’waistlines had seen a big increase.

They found that almost all of them had grown to be obese.

Soon the Pilgrims were so fat that their Pilgrim clothes no longer fit.

Luckily, they met an Indian that wanted to help: his name was Samosh*t.

“I once big and fat like you,” Samosh*t told the Pilgrim crew.

“But me lost 80 pounds,” he said. “And you can do it, too.”

He showed them ways to exercise, he helped them plan good meals.

He tried to share with them the way that healthy living feels.

And when he left to go back home to check on Dip, his dog.

He made them all promise to follow his weight-loss smoke signal blog.

The Pilgrims got their act together and started eating less.

They kept at it for months and saw considerable success.

They invited Samosh*t back so they could have a celebration,

To pay him back for helping them on their road to salvation.

They all got dressed up in their formal black suits and skirts

They had plenty of healthy dishes, as well as tasty low-fat desserts.

They all ate well, but by “ate well,” I mean they didn’t stuff their faces.

And after the meal, they jumped and played and ran some relay races.

Since they were giving thanks, they decided to call this day “Thanksgiving.”

Because as names go, it made for a better one than “Healthyliving.”